New Beginnings
by Big-bird-8674
Summary: When Naruto wakes up in an alternate timeline several decades before he is even born, obviously, he is confused. Of course, when he wakes up in someone else's body, naturally, there aren't even words to describe how he feels. AU, Time travel, OOC-ness... a lot. M-rated for Hidan's swearing and violence and whatnot.
1. Prologue

**DISCLAIMER: I do not and probably will not ever own Naruto or anything related to it... I do own my OC's though :)**

PROLOGUE**  
**_Black Holes And Revelations_

Sometimes, knowing something doesn't change can be comforting Naruto decided. Eyes closed, lying flat on his back, Naruto knew instantly where he was. He could feel the cool murky water on his back as he floated on the surface in silence, could smell the acrid salty scent of the sea and the woody odours of the forest. So at peace was the blonde jinchuuriki, he could swear he heard the slow pounding of his own heart beat over his breathing and the incessant dripping of water off in the distance as it hit the vast surface of water covering the floor of the large cavern, just as it always had.

However, this peace Naruto felt could not last forever.

Remembering exactly what events had exceeded the impromptu trip into his own mind, Naruto felt a rare sense of numbness enter his body. He felt nothing as his mind caught up with him and processed the fact that he had, in all likelihood, just died.

It may not have seemed like much but Naruto could remember, quite vividly mind you, his last days on earth. How he'd entered the war with Killer Bee after facing down the fourth Raikage; fought off Edō Tensai zombies and Zetsu clones alike by the droves and finally come upon the resurrected forms of the other jinchuuriki with Bee, Kakashi, Gai and later Kurama at his side. The ensuing battle between the couple of remaining jinchuuriki and the enslaved bijuu began only to end in another battle with Tobi, who'd they'd found out was actually Obito Uchiha, Kakashi's former supposedly dead teammate. By the time the Edō Tensai of Madara Uchiha had finally bothered to show up, Naruto, Bee, Kakashi and Gai were all just about dead on their feet.

Everything had gone downhill from there.

Naruto with the help of the newly befriended nine tailed fox, Kurama, had attempted to attack first the resurrected Uchiha and then later the still living and much more annoying living Uchiha but to the dismay of both, every tactic attempted inevitably failed. Naruto could remember the growing sense of hopelessness that had plagued him as Kakashi and Gai were batted away like flies and Bee's wound from his earlier skirmish with Kokuo, the five tailed bijuu, had begun to reopen and pain him greatly.

When Gai used the final inner gate of death and took out Obito, it had been both a relief and a tragedy since Gai had later died due to the strain the technique had had on the spandex wearing jonin's body.

After that, Naruto had thrown himself at Madara, tossing everything from Rasenshurikens to bijuu bombs in an attempt to at least pin the monster down. In turn, the Uchiha patriarch shrugged it all off and came for Naruto like an unstoppable force of nature. It was after that bloody battle that Naruto, completely exhausted and without an inch of his body that didn't scream out in pain, finally collapsed. However, even in his exhausted state, he had been conscious enough to feel Kakashi pick him up and flee the battlefield, all the while muttering something about not dying yet.

Naruto had been sent back through to Konohagakure as far as he could tell. In and out of consciousness as he had been, the details were a little fuzzy. He knew though that he had somehow ended up in a medical tent set up deep in the Nara Forest, one of the outer regions of Konoha that hadn't been as badly affected by Pein's earlier invasion on Konoha. After that, Naruto could only remember vague voices muttering medical terms he couldn't even hope to comprehend. The last thing he could remember was screaming and a loud BANG followed by a strange tingling sensation all over his body…

"YOU!" Kurama sudden screams of fury suddenly broke Naruto from his musings. Pushing his body up into a crouched position on the water – never noticing that the lightning speed he used in the manoeuvre should be impossible without the use of Sage Mode – Naruto immediately turned his attention to the nine tailed fox. The great creature was once again trapped behind the bars of its cage, its slitted red eyes filled with a fiery hatred as it clawed and attacked the interior of its prison.

Naruto in response to the bijuu's distress and rage spun on his heels, crouched into a defensive position, ready to intercept the apparent enemy should he decide to attack. So imagine Naruto's surprise when he saw… no one. Feeling confused, Naruto turned back around to the giant growling fox, about to tell it off for scaring him, when movement in his peripheral vision caught his attention.

However, it was not a person exactly as Naruto had expected. It was a reflection.

In that reflection was a man around Ero-Sannin's height, the jinchuuriki estimated. He looked lean and well-muscled with smooth pale alabaster skin, long silky silver hair pulled back into a ponytail that cascaded down to his mid-back and distinctive purple eyes. Strangely enough, the man wore a black cloak with red lining and a high collar though from what Naruto could see he wore no shirt underneath, only dark pants. It reminded Naruto of the Akatsuki cloak just without the red cloud pattern on it. Black shinobi sandals adorned the reflection's feet, his ankles wrapped tightly with bandages for extra support. Around his neck were a round pendent with a triangle in the centre, a Jashin amulet, and a forehead protector with three parallel diagonal lines etched into the metal, the symbol of Yugakure. He also wore dark green nail polish and on his back was a Triple-Bladed Scythe.

Naruto noted that the three crimson blades got smaller from top to bottom, giving the scythe a larger range, despite decreasing its lethality. The scythe was attached to a long metal cable, wound around two spools on the man's left hip.

Altogether the man looked rather imposing and Naruto recognised him instantly, regardless of the slight variations in his appearance. Hidan the Immortal, former Akatsuki member, stood in all of his glory. He was alive and judging from the position of the reflection he was…

He was also standing exactly where Naruto should be.

Now Naruto would be the first to admit that he wasn't exactly the sharpest knife in the draw but even then, it didn't take a genius to figure out that the reflection of a possibly younger Hidan the Immortal now belonged to him. Looking down at himself to confirm the theory, and silently dreading the results, Naruto instead came face to face with a black and red cloak and an extra several inches of height, not to mention the ungodly amount of chakra currently circulating his body and the unfamiliar fractured memories similarly swirling about his mind, images of events and people that Naruto knew he had never seen before.

Trying to stay calm, Naruto decided to take a page out of Shikamaru's book and go about this logically… especially when he looked like an old enemy with Kurama only a few yards away, unaware that he was actually Naruto and not a crazy sadomasochistic psycho with dreams of mass murder. Shit. Okay, maybe it was time to go with the basics.

"Kurama, it's me. Naruto." Naruto interrupted the fox's ranting; noting absently that his voice had changed along with his appearance. Kurama was looking way too happy the idea of vivisecting him for Naruto's comfort though the pause in the bijuu's ranting gave Naruto some hope for the future.

Or maybe he'd just spoken too soon.

"Ha! Yeah right! I wasn't born yesterday, you little shit! Now come over here so I can TEAR YOU TO SHREDS AND PISS ON THE PIECES!" Kurama bellowed at the top of its lungs, creating ripples in the watery surface they both stood upon.

"No, I am Naruto." The jinchuuriki disagreed. "I don't know how but I kind of look like Hidan even while I'm in my own mind somehow. I am not him though. I am Naruto Uzumaki."

"Tell me something only Naruto would know." Kurama replied cautiously after a moment of painful silence.

"Er, Mizuki-teme first told me about you when I was twelve after he tried to trick me into stealing the Forbidden Scroll–"

"You mean he succeeded in duping you into doing something that was so obviously stupid even an idiot would have known something was up and–"

"Okay, yes, yes, I was an idiot. We get it." Naruto grumbled before sternly reminding himself to stay on track. "Um, what else is there? Oh, I've got it! The names of the nine bijuu are Shukaku, Matatabi, Isobu, Son Goku, Kokuo, Saiken, Chomei, Gyuki and yours is Kurama. You call the Rikudo Sennin 'Old Man' kind of like I do with Old Man Third Hokage and Old Man Tsuchikage. Although, technically–"

"Okay, I get it. Damn, even that immortal bastard isn't as annoying as you are!" Kurama grumbled, though Naruto liked to think that the fox looked a little sheepish at having been proven wrong and was trying to cover it up.

"So, any ideas of how or why I look like Hidan?" Naruto asked the bijuu.

"No though it might have something to do with the fact that we aren't in Konoha anymore." Kurama replied.

"Wait what! What do you mean we're not in Konoha anymore? How can you tell?" Naruto

"Simple. Unlike you, I still have access to your outward senses and I cannot sense a single familiar chakra system. So, given your obvious change of identity and a lack of any familiar life forms for a few miles in any direction, my theory is that we have either, a) been trapped in a rather elaborate jutsu near the power of Tsukuyomi, b) lost our minds or c) travelled through the very fabric of space and time into another prior timeline." The giant fox stated quite seriously leaving Naruto at a loss. "My money's on option c."

"Time travel? You're serious! How would time travel even work? What the hell does that mean for me? Does this mean I'm stuck like this?!" Naruto exclaimed in a panic, his new voice founding foreign to his ears.

"It's simple idiot. You were sent back in time, to what period we do not know yet and for what purpose we, again, do not know. However, I do know the logistics of time travel and what you should expect." Kurama said, attempting to placate the panicking ninja.

"Okay, but how will this affect me?" Naruto asked.

"Finally, an intelligent question," Kurama exclaimed only to receive a rather sour look from the now silver haired jinchuuriki. "Anyway," The bijuu continued, "since you've merged with, er, Hidan was his name right? Anyway since you've merged with Hidan, it's more than likely you've taken up his place in history and whatever future we knew is now null and void. That means Naruto Uzumaki as we knew him will not be born in order to avoid a paradox. In fact, you're becoming Hidan _and _Naruto as far as the universe is concerned is probably the only reason you and I currently exist as more than figments of the imagination or something like that.

"Now, I'm going to be honest with you here brat. It is very likely that you will gain a few… personality traits that were particularly strong in Hidan. So, off the top of my head, it's probably safe to say that you're going to be a little more… violent when you fight. You'll probably swear a lot too." Kurama explained.

"What? But I don't swear and I'm not that violent." Naruto frowned.

"Yeah, _you_ as in Naruto wouldn't but, Hidan… Yeah, you'll swear. You'll become a mass murdering psycho given the right circumstances and you'll kill a lot of people because that was such an integral part of Hidan's being. Of course we won't know to what extent Hidan's personality and memories will affect you. All we can do is take note of the changes and learn to make them work for us." Kurama replied.

"Alright, I get it." Naruto sighed, unhappy but accepting of the possible changes. There wasn't anything he could do about it so there was no use fussing over it. "What else is there? What about the timeline? You mentioned paradoxes before…" Naruto added.

"Well, the timeline isn't as rigid as most people would think but since we're both here but we don't remember ever hearing anything about it in our own timeline, I'd say that the timeline we were in has been wiped from existence. That means we have a fresh start beginning at wherever we are now." Kurama said before letting out a loud sigh, looking troubled. "Naruto, some things in history will have to happen like my attack on Konoha or the Uchiha massacre. Some of these fixed points will involve you and you, as Hidan, will have to let them play out, maybe even participate. You may not be aware of it at the time: you may do something that makes complete sense one day but at any other time it would be unthinkable. For example, Hidan may have to be a missing Nin at some point for another major event to occur so you in turn will have to become a missing nin somehow. Just do me a favour and remember that not everything is your fault."

Naruto stared up at his friend, his brow furrowed as he thought over what the bijuu had told him. And though he didn't like it, again, what was there that he could do about it? If what Kurama said was true, then this was nature's way of keeping balance and even if he didn't like it, nor did he want to admit it, Naruto knew that death was a natural process and everyone had to die somehow in some way.

"Okay," Naruto nodded in acceptance.

"What?" Kurama asked, obviously confused by Naruto's attitude.

"I understand that sometimes things just aren't in my control. What is in my control is this new future. Maybe we can stop the war or at least win it quicker this time. We could destroy Akatsuki or stop Orochimaru. There are so many possibilities." Naruto said in a rush, his mind racing. "I know that I'll change a little but if the major parts of Hidan are a part of me now, then shouldn't the most important parts of Naruto stay the same too?"

"Yes," Kurama nodded carefully, seeing the logic in this idea, "I agree with your reasoning."

"So what do I do now then Kurama?" Naruto asked, wanting to know what was first on the agenda.

"First on our list of things to do should be training, testing the limits of our power and then finding out when and where we are. I think we should stick as close to Hidan's identity as possible, that means you will use his name, his jutsu and his weapons. Obviously we'll adjust any fighting styles or techniques to suit Naruto too and vice versa until we won't be too suspicious. Just don't go around using things like Rasengan until we figure out a way to explain them to anyone curious enough to ask." Kurama replied sagely.

"Okay, you've got it Kurama." Naruto grinned.

"Good, now wake up brat." Kurama grinned back.

**Author's**** Note:**

**Well, that went well. Tell me if you like it or not and if I should continue it. I've managed to write a fair bit before getting internet back to post but criticism - within reason - is very welcome :)**

**Bu-bye!**


	2. Part 1 - Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto.**

PART I  
CHAPTER ONE**  
**_A Day In The Life Of A Time Travelling Shinobi_

It had been four years since Naruto had first woken up in this timeline. Since then both Kurama and Naruto had gone over every stray memory of Hidan's that Naruto now possessed though most of it contained only basic knowledge such as how to wield the Triple-Bladed Scythe Naruto now kept sealed on his person at all times or what Hidan's favourite food was. Most interesting were the memories pertaining to Hidan's life as first travelling priest then later a mercenary and a shinobi.

Most surprising however, was the knowledge that even by the time Naruto and Kurama had travelled to, Hidan was already a _very _old man at the ripe old age of nine hundred and eighty four. This was most shocking to Kurama however because according to Hidan's memories, he outdated even the Rikkudo Sennin by about a hundred years making Naruto, technically, now older than Kurama. The bijuu had reacted to this by constantly referring to Naruto as the Old Man in place of the Rikkudo Sennin since he was apparently the elder of the two now.

Upon arriving in the timeline, Naruto had first set about doing as Kurama had suggested and began finding out everything he could about the time he had landed himself in. He had learnt that he was in the era of the Shodaime Hokage's reign and that Hiruzen Sarutobi, Naruto's once surrogate grandfather was now likely an academy student in a far younger Konoha. Naruto had, of course, done nothing about this, reasoning that he should stay well away from Konoha until his own lifetime came up as to avoid temptation. Because Naruto knew what would happen if he were faced with Jiraiya or his father or even someone he knew in passing, like Anko. He'd spill his guts and ruin everything which was a big no-no. He didn't even want to know what he'd do if he ran into Orochimaru or Danzo.

So Naruto retreated into the forests surrounding Hi no Kuni and trained. He built up his jutsu repertoire and delighted in the fact that he had retained his wind elemental chakra as well as a new affinity for fire which he began training in extensively. From there he had decided to experiment, trying to recreate any and all fire jutsu he could remember Sasuke, Itachi or Kakashi using and even one he remembered the Edo Tensai Madara using in the Fourth War while stealing a few others.

Then he began to train his taijutsu. It was then that Kurama convinced Naruto that he should overhaul his old street fighter style and create a new one more suited for his love of creating shadow clones while incorporating his new weapons and his new body's apparent inability to die in the style.

In order to do this, Naruto had been forced to examine his new knowledge and skills. While testing his new body, Naruto had found that he was extremely agile, having tremendous acrobatic prowess and dexterity in avoiding attacks, able to nimbly evade while skilfully manipulating his scythe in mid-air just as Hidan had once done. In fact, both Naruto and Hidan had had a high proficiency in evasion making it difficult for opponents to land blows on them using taijutsu. Also, after going through Hidan's old memories, Naruto had found that his newly acquired immortality gave him a tremendous level of durability, stamina and endurance, more so than even he'd once had in his old body. He found he could go on for considerable periods of time without ever showing signs of fatigue and moreover, his immortal body's durability was so great that it could withstand virtually any form of damage and still function properly. In fact, according to Hidan's memories, only dismemberment via cutting had been able to incapacitate him and even then, he'd still been a threat.

Given this newfound information, Naruto decided that since the new scythe he now wielded could be used as a short and long-range weapon and was thus, incredibly unpredictable, he should make his style just as unpredictable as he had once been in a fight. After training his body in both speed and strength until he was satisfied that he could keep up with jonin of Kakashi's calibre even while wielding his heavy scythe, Naruto began modifying the frog kata he'd learnt from Fukasaku until he could easily incorporate his weapon of choice as well as the use of the retractable metal spears he also kept on his person.

Naruto soon found that he was rather fond of his weapons though whether that was Hidan's influence or not was unknown to the jinchuriki. Despite its large and dangerous sharp edge, Naruto quickly found that the scythe was intended to draw blood, instead of inflicting fatal damage. Upon realising this, Naruto began to work on Hidan's old jutsu or more specifically, his 'curse'.

It had taken some time and careful consideration and studying of Hidan's memories but both Naruto and Kurama eventually came to understand the technique and how to employ it in battle, adjusting it to again suit Naruto's style of fighting.

For the technique, either using his weapon or not, Naruto would have to acquire his opponent's blood, where upon consuming it he would then draw the Jashin symbol on the ground to somehow "link" his body with his opponent's, just as Hidan had. Once this link was established, Naruto's new body would take on a Grim Reaper-like appearance, with black skin and white bone-like markings and then he would essentially become a living voodoo doll for his opponent; any damage done to him would also be inflicted on the opponent.

Surprisingly enough though, what scared Naruto most about the technique was not the gruesome nature of it but the fact that he found he was fond of the idea of toying with his victims by inflicting non-fatal injuries with his retractable spears and taking pleasure in their shared pain. Yes, Naruto found that he now liked certain kinds of pain, such as the kind found when stabbing himself in non-lethal areas to see his opponents' reaction. He had quickly deduced that this sadomasochist reaction was one he had inherited from Hidan and was now his own reaction too.

However, despite its effectiveness, the Curse Jutsu as Naruto had nicknamed it, had many requirements. The main one of these was the fact that the link between Naruto and his opponent could be broken prematurely if Naruto was removed from the drawn symbol, even though Naruto would remain in his transformed state, allowing the curse to be easily re-established by him simply entering the symbol's borders once more.

To rectify this, Naruto had theorised that if a bigger circle was drawn around a large area by say, shadow clones, while the original fought and distracted the enemy, then removal from the symbol would be highly unlikely and hard to achieve. With some experimentation, this idea became a reality and even though Naruto had minimised one of the techniques weaknesses, it was still a slow technique to employ so it was decided by Kurama that it would be a trump card or a battle ender.

From there, Naruto had focused all of his attention on two last areas of battle he himself had only just mastered in his last life: Senjutsu and Jinchuriki Transformations.

It soon became apparent to both Kurama and Naruto that even though Kurama was still inside Naruto's body and mind, he wasn't technically sealed inside of him. After much speculation, Kurama had explained that the seal probably didn't exist yet and hadn't followed them into the past because it was too detrimental that Minato Namikaze created it which led them both to believe that the Kyuubi attack was indeed a fixed point in time. Understandably, Naruto had been upset and it had taken Kurama an hour to convince its only friend that even if he did save his family, they weren't his family anymore. He was Hidan the Immortal now, not Naruto Uzumaki.

Further experimentation and a modified summoning jutsu later, Naruto found to his delight that he could summon Kurama just like a summoning animal and when Kurama dispersed, he was pulled back inside Naruto's body. However, like any jinchuriki, Naruto felt the loss of Kurama's chakra acutely for several minutes leaving him vulnerable until his immortal body could adapt to the loss, something other jinchuriki died from. From there, Naruto practised his transformation but found that it was impossible. While he could easily withstand and control a bijuu's chakra, he couldn't manifest his old golden chakra shroud and resorted to simply pumping Kurama's purified chakra through his own system in short bursts throughout his body internally allowing him to use techniques like the tailed beast bomb. It also enabled Naruto to create a technique he called Flash Step or Shunpo, allowing Naruto to move in sudden bursts of speed rivalling that of the Hiraishan and the fourth Raikage's lightning armour. Similarly, Naruto could use the chakra much like Tsunade and Sakura had without the need for control, giving him an incredible boost of strength.

Naruto constantly used this last technique in an attempt to make it second nature. By this point, wielding his scythe felt more like tossing kunai around than the heavy weapon that it was.

Of course, when it came to his senjutsu, Naruto had the shock of his life – besides waking up in someone else's body in another time period – when he felt a sudden tugging in his stomach and was then enshrouded in smoke. As soon as Naruto had attempted to collect nature energy, he had been reverse-summoned to the land of the toads, Mt Myōboku.

It was just the same as he remembered it, giant plant life and all. Naruto was just steadying himself and reasserting in his mind that yes, he was indeed on Mt Myōboku and not dreaming when a familiar aged voice caught his attention. Sitting several feet away on a rock bringing his small stature up to Naruto's hips was Fukasaku looking just as he had in the future.

"Who are you and why are you here?" Fukasaku asked, his tiny green body visibly puffing up in anger at the apparent intrusion. It suddenly occurred to Naruto that Jiraiya hadn't been born yet so Fukasaku had probably not seen a human in a very long time, not since the last summoner which was probably decades ago at this point in time.

"Hm, did you say something?" Naruto spoke automatically as his mind wandered before feeling a little odd that the words had left his mouth before he could formulate a different response. After all, Fukasaku was someone from his past and would probably be the first to have a complete conversation with Naruto besides Kurama since he'd arrived in this timeline. Did he really want his first real conversation outside of his arguments and joking about with Kurama to begin by saying something _Kakashi_ would say?

Turning his attention back to his one-time sensei, Naruto found that his earlier reply seemed to have had the usual effect on Fukasaku as it did everyone else… that is to say; it annoyed the crap out of him.

"I said, who are you and why are you here, outsider?" Fukasaku growled out.

"Oh, well, I'm Hidan and as for why I'm here… I was hoping you could tell me." Naruto said with a lopsided grin on his handsome features, a stray lock of silver hair falling from his ponytail to hang in his face as he tilted his head slightly to the side, enhancing his seemingly innocent expression.

"Why would I tell you-" Fukasaku was cut off by another familiar voice.

"Pa, there you are!" Shima exclaimed as she hopped along, her small body moving rather quickly given her advanced age. Then again, Naruto moved pretty well and he was apparently well and truly over nine hundred years old, even older than the two tiny toad sages before him. "The Elder Sage brought an outsider to us. He wants to talk to him…"

Shima seemed to trail off as she noticed Naruto's presence, her beady little eyes widening as she came to a stop only a few feet away from him. "Look there he is!" She shouted before turning back to Fukasaku who looked rather perplexed and a little embarrassed in light of the situation.

"Pa, the Elder Sage wants to talk to him!" Shima cried out, her voice shrill in her sudden urgency. "Come on, outsider. You have to come… Oh, and you'd better come too, Pa." Shima added as an afterthought. Reaching up to grip Naruto's hand, the elderly toad began to pull Naruto towards a familiar path, towards the Elder Sage.

Naruto remembered quite vividly the Elder Sage and silently wondered if he would know of his predicament. If anyone would, it would be him. Kurama agreed quietly with his deduction through their mental link. Only the other bijuu or the old Sages of the summon clans would be able to tell the truth about Naruto's past or his abilities.

Upon entering the large cave-like structure, Naruto was greeted by a familiar sight, the old Elder Sage in all of his senile glory. True to that last statement, the old toad ordered everyone from the room except Fukasaku, Shima and Naruto whom he only ever addressed as 'that one' throughout the dismissal. Soon all of the other little toads had fled the room, leaving Naruto slightly uncomfortable given the glares he was receiving from Fukasaku and the appraising looks he got from Shima. The Elder Sage just squinted at him thoughtfully before finally speaking.

"Ah, so you are the outsider." He began, seeming to be remarkably attentive given his more senile habits. Then again, Naruto originally met the Elder Sage just under a century from that point in time so maybe… judging by the confusion in Fukasaku and Shima's expressions, Naruto concluded that the behaviour was indeed odd and took comfort in the fact that he wasn't the only one at a loss about it.

"We meet again, Hidan the Immortal." The Elder Sage smiled suddenly, instantly bringing Naruto's attention back to the matter at hand.

"I didn't think we'd met before." Naruto replied cautiously.

"I haven't met you, true, but you have met me. Now tell me, Hidan the Immortal, what is it you want to do? I am prepared to offer you a contract with this clan because I know that you know of our techniques; you are, after all, a Toad Sage yourself. The first human to have fully mastered it I'd wager." The Elder Sage grinned rather mischievously, confusing Fukasaku and Shima who stood beside Naruto.

"What do you mean, Great Sage?" Fukasaku asked, his tone imploring of the elder toad for answers. Naruto noted that Fukasaku and Shima were both much more respectful around the Elder Sage than in his timeline. Then again, a century of being annoying could have changed that by the time Naruto was originally born.

"He is a time traveller, from the future. He was once two shinobi but the process has made them one. He is both older and wiser than me and carries a bijuu with him by choice." The Elder Sage explained, the last sentence confusing all though for different reasons.

"A bijuu!" Shima wailed, panicking.

"Time Travel," Fukasaku asked, his expression intrigued.

"Yes, why don't you explain, Hidan the Immortal?" The Elder Sage enquired, seemingly highly amused by their reactions.

Feeling all eyes turn to him, Naruto refused to be intimidated by the stares and instead turned his attention to what needed to be said, resolving to get back to what had bothered him about what the Elder Sage had said later.

"I was once a shinobi with a different name. Prior to waking in this time, I was a toad summoner and a sage, trained by Fukasaku and Shima in senjutsu. I was also a jinchuriki in that life. The other part of me was an enemy of the first and while I retained the skills, memories and mindset of the first shinobi, I was given the physical body, skills and memories of the second. He was an S-Rank missing nin from Yugakure and as the Elder Sage already mentioned, he was named Hidan the Immortal, the name I am using now." Naruto explained, trying to keep any and all information vague at Kurama's request.

"Immortal?" Fukasaku asked.

"Yes, immortal. Hidan – this body I have right now – is pretty much unkillable. From his memories I can confidently tell you that he's been decapitated, set on fire and buried alive and he was still breathing and cursing afterwards." Naruto nodded.

"What about personality?" Shima asked, seeming to have picked up on the subtle hints Naruto had unintentionally let loose throughout the conversation.

"They merged. As far as I can tell, I'm pleasant enough generally though a little childish and while I'm quite friendly and compassionate with those I love, I have a little more of Hidan's personality then I would like." Naruto grimaced, trying to skirt around the issue though Kurama voiced his disapproval quite loudly as he did. Apparently, Kurama thought it would be better to give them all a heads up in regards to his… 'personality quirks' as Kurama had jokingly called them.

It had become apparent early on that Naruto no longer just 'got angry' anymore. Ironically enough, Hidan and Naruto tended to be easily angered and when angered, they also often exploded in rage. So, it wasn't too far of a stretch to come to the conclusion that Naruto no longer did 'just angry'. No, instead he went into an apocalyptic fury and raged with murderous and particularly psychotic intent. Usually mountains were levelled, words _no one_ should hear were uttered and a _lot _of people in general just didn't survive.

Since coming to this terrifying conclusion, both Kurama and Naruto had resolved to meditate in order to try and keep such murderous impulses to a minimum.

So far they had succeeded and instead, when angered, Naruto merely cursed a lot and only _attempted_ to commit murder on a massive scale instead of automatically succeeding no matter what by flattening anything that tried to stop him. This 'personality quirk' was a disturbing contrast to Naruto's usual behaviour which resembled a cross between Naruto, Kakashi and Jiraiya. In fact, Naruto had even toyed with the idea of steeling Kakashi's tardy habits since he already had Jiraiya's turbulent mood swings down pact. After conversing with Kurama, the two decided that they would in fact attempt to emulate some of the one-eyed jonin's particularly annoying habits and had since gotten into the habit of using his comebacks when not paying attention, as he had when greeting Fukasaku. It was all at first to see whether it was any fun but later Naruto decided that if he was going to be someone else, he was going to be someone interesting and one of the most interesting people Naruto had ever met was his former wayward sensei. After all, no one could call him a copycat. Kakashi hadn't even been born yet so that meant he was, technically, the first to be chronically tardy and use such horrible excuses for that tardiness.

"And the negatives…" Shima pressed, bringing Naruto back to the matter at hand. Looking over to the Ender Sage for help, Naruto received only a sly grin in return. Go figures, the one time he wouldn't have minded the Elder Sage's more senile habits and the bastard decided to be lucid!

"Hidan was, to put it simply, a foul mouthed, sadomasochistic zealot with psychotic tendencies and an apparent love for mass murderer and slaughter. The guy was insane. I am a sadomasochist myself now though I need to be for some of his techniques," Here Naruto shivered though with pleasure or revulsion he wasn't sure, "I've found that I'm rather violent in a fight, I'm way too sadistic in general for my liking and 'anger issues' doesn't even begin to cover what I have. Luckily, mediation helps the last one." Naruto said.

"Explain the bijuu part." Fukasaku demanded, seemingly accepting Naruto's time-travel issues as an unchangeable fact and not dwelling on the matter, much like Naruto had with everything regarding the whole damn situation.

"Show me." The Elder Sage interrupted. Both Fukasaku and Shima sent Naruto confused looks but Naruto was already aware of what the old toad had asked of him. Waiting patiently, Naruto nodded when Kurama stated that the room was too small and it was not a good idea no matter which way you looked at it.

"With all due respect Elder Sage," Naruto said, his eyes suddenly narrowed and his expression stone cold, "Neither I nor my friend think it would be wise to summon the nine tailed fox in such an enclosed space, even if Kurama means peace."

The gobsmacked expressions on Ma and Pa's faces were worth the possible insult the Elder Sage could have taken from the statement.

However, soon the sounds of loud rumbling laughter echoed around the cavern. Turning his attention to the source of the sound, Naruto was graced with the sight of a highly amused Elder Sage almost rolling on the floor with laughter. It seemed Shima and Fukasaku were just as confused as Naruto if the perplexed expressions on their wrinkled faces were anything to go by.

"There is one thing confuses me though," Naruto said as the laughter had quietened down.

"Go on." The Elder Sage encouraged him.

"Earlier, you said that I was older and wiser than you. Can you explain that to me?" Naruto asked, his head tilted slightly to the side as he spoke.

"Indeed. As you know, given you possess both the memories of Hidan and your other counterpart, I would say you possess the knowledge and experience of those years. That would make you, hm; nine hundred and eighty four plus sixteen is… one thousand… Yes, that would mean you have lived over a millennia so you are most definitely older than I, by centuries even. That, and the things you have lived through, seen and done make you just as wise if not far more experienced than I am." The Elder Sage said, grinning down at Naruto with squinted eyes as if evaluating him.

"A-a thousand!" Shima screamed her eyes impossibly wide as she looked up at Naruto in awe, something Naruto found that he was uncomfortable with much to Kurama's amusement.

"Surely you jest Great Sage!" Fukasaku exclaimed.

"No, that sounds about right." Naruto nodded in agreement, having already come to that conclusion before when he had first woken in his new timeline and sorted through Hidan's memories. "I see how you would think that now." Naruto conceded.

"Indeed." The Elder Sage said, "Now, I am still waiting for an answer to my first question, Hidan the Immortal. Would you sign our contract: at which point you too will be considered an Elder Sage of this clan given your advanced age and your knowledge of the Toad Clan and our techniques? Will you re-join our family, Naruto Uzumaki of the Leaf?" The old toad asked.

Naruto stared up at the old toad, tears in his eyes before he nodded his head, Kurama's voice mocking him for the tears annoyingly in the background.

"Okay." Naruto nodded and just like that, Naruto had taken his first step in establishing himself in this new world and changing the future, for the better hopefully.

**Author's Note:**

**Well, here's Chapter 1. Enjoy :)**


	3. Part 1 - Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto.**

PART I  
CHAPTER TWO**  
**_Those Everyday Occurrences_

Naruto or rather Hidan now, turned irritated violet eyes to the one who had dared to awaken him from his slumber. An older man in his late fifties with greying brown hair and wizened blue eyes stood over the silver haired nin with a wry expression on his weathered face. This man was Kamizuki Shigure, the Shodaime Yukage of Yugakure and though Hidan had made it a point of calling him 'Old Man Kamizuki' from the very beginning of his stay in the village to both annoy the man and show his affection for him, he had a very good reason to be wry.

After all, Kamizuki had on multiple occasions been privy to the true horror of the effects of Hidan's particular 'personality quirks' and had been one of the few to have survived more than one angry outburst from the jonin in the two years since he had joined village. Waking up a sleeping Hidan had proven early on to be a potentially fatal endeavour.

"What?" Hidan growled; eyes narrowed at the older looking man with both irritation and contempt. Slowly, he raised his body up to a seated position to better glare at the man. "What possible reason could you have for waltzing on in here and waking me up in the _morning hours _after a night like I just had?" Hidan asked his voice dangerously low and a bit too quiet given how much he wanted to kill someone at that moment.

"Well one reason would be that you're in my office." Kamizuki replied good-naturedly, hiding his unease with professional skill and a lot of practice.

"Huh? How did I get here?" Hidan asked having already started blinking away the sleep in his purple eyes. Once he'd glanced around the room he had quickly come to realise that yes, he was indeed in the old Yukage's office. In fact, he was currently sitting on the man's desk where he had situated his rather tall frame the night before after a night of drinking with both Kurama _and _Gamabunta at Mt Myōboku. Just three words came to mind: NEVER. EVER. AGAIN.

"Wait, don't answer that. I already know the answer." Hidan grumbled while stretching his arms out above his head, his long silver hair no doubt mussed from sleep. He wasn't about to attempt to stand just quite yet though thanks to Kurama's presence in his mind and his own immortality as well as the advanced healing it granted, Hidan was spared from the most likely horrific headache he'd otherwise have had to endure. Okay, maybe it was thanks to Kurama's presence and his own immortality that Hidan was even alive after consuming that much alcohol in one sitting.

"I'm sure I don't want to know." The old Kage agreed with a smile, amused. "However," He continued, "I have another reason for waking you Hidan."

Sometimes it amazed Hidan how patient the man was but then again, he was a Kage. That required patience on a whole other level Hidan had found, something he had accepted when he'd wanted to be Hokage. Now he had long since abandoned the idea and put his efforts towards a new dream, Jiraiya's dream. Peace and a better future for all. That was his goal and now that he was an immortal with what looked like eternity in front of him if all went well, Hidan was determined to see that dream through.

"Okay," Hidan said slowly, now slightly suspicious. He could sense an approaching longwinded lecture – a sixth sense for impending doom Kurama chimed sarcastically in his mind. Getting up from the table, Hidan waited for Kamizuki to take a seat and get to the point.

"Hidan, you have been here for two years. In that time you have made jonin rank quite easily and gone on an impressive amount of highly ranked missions that have brought this village great wealth and helped to create a good professional reputation for us, even with some of your less than charming personality traits and your quite honestly appalling attitude when dealing with certain… situations." Kamizuki said, pausing probably to see Hidan's reaction, possibly even waiting for an indignant outburst in his own defence. However, all Hidan could hear was a 'Here it comes' from Kurama before the Yukage began to speak again having assumed Hidan had nothing to say.

"However, it is your connections with the village or rather, your lack of them that I worry about. You don't have any close friends or family here and your interactions with our shinobi are limited strictly to missions and an occasional visit to a local bar or restaurant. To remedy this, I have decided that you will be taking on a genin team. I don't know everything about your past Hidan and I won't pretend to but I think this will be good for you as a person; to make connections with others, and it will be good for the younger generation. You are an incredibly skilled shinobi and I think you've barely scratched the ice berg of your power and ability around me, so much so I believe you have probably already even surpassed me." Kamizuki stated.

Hidan wanted to grin like a loon, dance, strangle the genial Kage that reminded him so much of Hiruzen Sarutobi and kill something all at the same time. One half of him was excited; a genin team! He would be a teacher and a mentor just as his sensei had all been to him! Meanwhile, the other half of him, the half that was reluctant to as Kamizuki had put it 'make connections', was terrified of losing those he cared about… which left him with a bit of a dilemma. Should he or should he not?

"Graduation finished yesterday and your students will be waiting for you at midday for you to fetch them from the academy. If you want them, go get them. If not I'll have to find someone else. Just think about it Hidan." Kamizuki said. The dismissal in his tone was easily recognisable to Hidan.

Hidan remained silent for only a moment before accepting that he should at least consider what the Yukage was saying, much like he had conceded to at least give everything else that had been thrown headlong at him in his life a go.

"Okay Old Man Kamizuki, I'll think about it." Hidan conceded before turning to collect his black and red cloak off of the floor and cover his otherwise bare chest. Finally, slinging his copy of the overly large summoning contract of the toads that had been gifted to him upon re-joining the clan over his shoulder, Hidan pulled on his shinobi sandals and left the office with a lot on his mind.

"And don't call me 'Old Man' Hidan you bastard!" was shouted by a disgruntled Yukage just as Hidan slammed the door shut behind him.

* * *

The ocean blue eyes of Kamizuki Shigure followed Hidan through the open window as he left the main administration building of the village. Ever since meeting the young man two years ago in the woods, Kamizuki had noticed something… different about the silver haired shinobi. At first he had thought it was the man's appearance; he was tall and lean with that impossibly long silver hair and those deep violet eyes that seemed to have seen the entirety of the world. It could have also been the overly large three-bladed scythe the powerful if not odd shinobi had so easily wielded at his head after accidently waking the silver haired man from his sleep.

When the red and black weapon had then cut clean through a tree in a single slice after Kamizuki had dodged the initial attack, the older man had been shocked at the speed the weapon had been wielded with and the power behind the blow. Upon further inspection, and a tiring game of cat and mouse in which Kamizuki ran and dodged for his life, unable to get a single hit in on the younger man, Kamizuki decided that the silver haired shinobi would be a perfect new addition to his ranks. He had even stated so to the ninja.

Of course, this statement had been earned him a ticked off shinobi cussing him out, using words Kamizuki hadn't even heard of let alone known the meaning of and a rather painful blow to the head with the blunt side of the Triple-Bladed Scythe.

So, Kamizuki had been surprised initially to wake up the next morning and afterwards, find that he was alive and not dead in a ditch somewhere. In the time that preceded his return to Yugakure, the wizened Kage had then learnt three things.

Number One: the equally strange and powerful ninja that had almost killed him the night before with the lethal-looking scythe was a rogue ninja by the name of Hidan.

Number Two: Kamizuki was tonot under _any_ circumstances – outside of an extra ordinary situation in which life as we know it is at risk of complete destruction due to a war between a horribly cliché, hypercritical, and highly unoriginal megalomaniac bent on world domination via hypnotising the population of the world with a genjutsu, a tailed beast and the moon and everyone else – piss Hidan off.

Number Three: There wasn't a snowball's chance in hell of Kamizuki convincing Hidan to join his village.

He, however, said nothing about blackmail.

And so, Kamizuki had bluffed, claiming that he would send armies after Hidan for the attempt on his life the night before unless Hidan agreed to join Yugakure. This of course had led to the utterance of many naughty words, some of which a sailor would blush at, before Hidan agreed, all the while threatening to kill Kamizuki with a carrot of all things should he try anything.

Needless to say, the Yukage had returned to his village with Hidan in tow and from then on, he had found a friend and confident in the younger shinobi, even if the cheeky bastard called him an old man at every turn just to tick him off.

What truly began to worry Kamizuki were some of the whisperings among the council and civilians.

While the council muttered and grumbled over finances, greedy for more money, they had also turned their sights on Hidan, a powerful shinobi but an outsider none the less. Hidan made them and the village a lot of money, much more than most other shinobi amongst Yugakure's ranks and as petty as they were, the council and the yes-men they surrounded themselves with were unhappy about it. Their reasoning was, of course, that as an outsider, Hidan should be a second class citizen in Yugakure. To Kamizuki's great displeasure, the Clans weren't much better.

The civilians, meanwhile, gossiped about change, about different industry and the natural resources surrounding Yugakure. They were, much like the council, greedy. All of this added up to one thing in Kamizuki's mind.

Revolution.

The wizened old Kage had been watching his back for weeks and already, he'd had two attempts on his life in only the last three days. However, Kamizuki was still several steps ahead of his traitorous foes. He still had a secret weapon at his disposal should anyone succeed in killing him off and attempting to do so to those he still held close. He wasn't a Kage for nothing after all.

Five hours had passed since Hidan had left the Yukage's office. Three hours since he had begun cursing Old Man Kamizuki's mother and it had been about two hours ago now that midday had gone by. Hidan tilted his head back and grinned vindictively up at the sky as he wandered carelessly through the streets of Yugakure. Hidan had decided not long after leaving Kamizuki's office that he would take up his offer and become a jonin sensei.

That didn't mean he had to like it. It also didn't mean he couldn't be three hours late arriving at the academy as a little FU to the old Kage for putting him on the spot like that.

* * *

Another hour later Hidan found himself just outside of classroom 4-D at the academy. Unbuttoning his collar a bit so the entirety of his face was visible, Hidan took a deep breath and opened the door. Inside the classroom were his three possible-could-be-future-students, each more annoyed at his tardiness than the last.

Entering the room, Hidan quickly studied his new possible-could-be-future-students with great interest.

Sitting rigidly behind the desk directly in front of Hidan was a twelve year old boy. His hair was a particular shade of red and set in gravity defying spikes, twin green eyes peering up at him from behind a cold, bored demeanour. Beside him looking rather annoyed was another boy a good few inches taller. He had black hair cut short, matching dark eyes and an annoyed pout plastered on his face; atop his head was a green bandana with the Yugakure headband displayed proudly. On the other side of the red haired boy was a girl only a fraction shorter than him; her eyes were brown and large reminding Hidan immediately of a doe. Her hair was straight, at shoulder length and the colour of chocolate. On her left cheek she had a distinctive scar an inch long though where she got it was beyond Hidan.

"Hello there," Hidan grinned, his demeanour cheerful and blasé to any misgivings the three children could have had with him for being as late as he was. "Sorry I'm late but I got arrested by accident and it took a while to clear my name."

"You're lying!" The boy with the bandana and the lone girl screamed. As soon as the words left their lips, Hidan once again thought about exactly why it was Kakashi had done this to just about everyone he'd ever met: it was as amusing as all hell.

"I'll be your new sensei. Meet me outside." Hidan continued ignoring the death glare he was receiving from the red head with a goofy grin plastered upon his face. That said, Hidan made a show of disappearing from their view with a wind-based shunshin.

Appearing outside at the base of a large oak tree, Hidan made sure he was comfortable while he waited for his possible-could-be-future-students to arrive. Unsurprisingly, he didn't have to wait very long until the three came running out of the academy looking rather frantic. Also unsurprisingly, it was the redhead who spotted Hidan first and headed towards him, never once alerting his possible-could-be-future-teammates to his presence.

"Take a seat." Hidan said once all three of his possible-could-be-future-students had assembled.

"Alright," He continued, "why don't you brats introduce yourselves so we can get this show on the road? Start with things like your likes, dislikes, hobbies and dreams." Hidan said, a cheery smile spreading across his pale face, remembering his own introduction into the shinobi world with Kakashi and team seven with both fondness and a profound sense of loss.

"Why don't you go first girly?" he asked, gesturing to the lone girl of the group to talk.

With a nervous smile she spoke up, "Hello, my name is Emi Higurashi and I like my friends, the village and learning new medical jutsu. I dislike those who harm my friends and make assumptions. My hobbies include cooking and practicing my medical jutsu. My dream is to become a medical ninja and heal people."

Nodding his head, Hidan turned to the boy with the green bandana.

"Okay, you with the head gear." Hidan said, indicating the kid in front of him.

"Okay!" he cried, a goofy smile plastered to his face. He was acting sort of like… Naruto or Hidan if that's how you looked at it. "My name is Yukio Sano!" he cried. "I like learning new jutsu and my adoptive brother. I dislike my clan's attitude towards outsiders like Junko and those who judge a book by its cover. My hobbies include learning new jutsu and playing with Junko. My dream is to prove myself to everyone that I'm not a waste of space!" Yukio cried out enthusiastically.

"Okay, you with red hair," Hidan nodded with a never ending grin in place.

"My name is Nanashi Shiro. I don't like a lot things and I dislike many though if I have to mention some, I would say I dislike incompetence and those who do not take things seriously. I enjoy training to become a better tool to my village and learning new jutsu. My dream is to be a good ninja and restore honour to my clan." the red haired boy stated in a monotonous voice, void of any real emotion besides annoyance and boredom.

They were like a mirror image of the old team seven and Hidan decided then and there that fate existed and it wasn't funny. Nope, not one little bit.

"Alright then," Hidan grinned happily, eyeing his victims – possible-could-be-future-students with violet eyes. "I'm Hidan and that's Hidan Sensei to you. I've been told by the head honcho to keep this PG so let's see… I like naughty words, Kurama, toads and killing things that bug me. I dislike those who bug me and pretentious little assholes who think they know all. My hobbies include killing the things that bug me, strip poker and gardening. My dream is to… hm, actually, I never really thought about that one. I had a dream last night though…" Hidan finished thoughtfully.

Glancing around, he noticed that each of his possible-could-be-future-students each wore similar expression of unease and disbelief at his introduction – even Nanashi, the snobby green-eyed one that reminded him of a cross between Sasuke and the stuck-up version of Neji. His grin suddenly turning a little too evil, Hidan decided that it was time for the fun to begin.

"Meet me at training ground nine tomorrow at eight." He said, "Oh, and don't eat breakfast or you'll throw up." Hidan grinned and once again, disappeared into thin air.

**Author's Note:**

**Done! Whoo! I am on a roll! XD**

**Let's see how far I get before I fumble!**

**See ya!**


	4. Part 1 - Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto.**

PART I  
CHAPTER THREE**  
**_Monster Senseis And Life Lessons_

"Three hours late!" Yukio muttered angrily to himself.

He'd been sitting at training ground nine since eight that morning having painstakingly roused himself from bed and forced himself to leave without a bite to eat, just as instructed. It was currently a quarter to eleven and every inch of Yukio's being wanted to throttle his sensei. Yesterday, Yukio had been content to find he was on the same team as Emi, she was at least decent and _not_ a fangirl, only to have those feelings of contentment crushed when that bastard Nanashi had been put on his team as well.

By that point, he'd still naively had hope for an awesome jonin sensei.

That hope had diminished an hour into waiting for him to arrive, especially when all of the other graduates and even their chunin instructor had left! Finally, two hours later, the door had opened and by this point Yukio had been prepared to throw kunai at whoever was on the other side. It was then that he'd first met his sensei.

Standing in the doorway was a man who by appearances alone had almost killed any and all hope for the future that Yukio had retained. He'd been incredibly tall with lean build and pale skin. His hair was incredibly long, hanging to his lower back even when it was pulled up into a ponytail and was a pale silver colour. His eyes were a distinctive violet and seemed way too care-free for a shinobi.

The man wore a black knee length cloak with red lining and a high collar that he had unzipped so that Yukio could make out his straight nose and his high cheekbones. However, Yukio could also tell that the man wore no shirt underneath, only dark grey pants and black shinobi sandals on his feet, his ankles wrapped tightly with bandages. Tied around his neck was a Yugakure headband and what looked like a round pendent with a triangle in the centre. All in all, the guy could have been intimidating if not for the goofy grin he'd had plastered on his face. He even wore black nail polish for god's sake!

Meanwhile, something else about the man had caught Yukio's interest, rekindling his hope. It was the large scroll slung over the man's right shoulder. It was absolutely huge and probably weighed a tonne. Red and white parchment lined with intricate black writing covered the exterior and Yukio could only imagine what kind of cool weapons the man had stored inside!

However, what had preceded the man's initial entrance had belayed any awe Yukio had felt for the man after identifying the scroll. His future sensei had been more childish than his five year old adoptive brother as he grinned at them all with that closed eye smile that seemed to scream innocence and goofiness, even with the man's tall figure and potentially scary appearance. He just wasn't that intimidating with that expression on his face, or when he spoke in such a carefree manor.

And his excuses! He honestly expected them to believe that he was three hours late because he'd gotten _arrested_ by _accident_ and it took a while to clear his name? That was the best he could come up with. He should have just said he couldn't have been bothered to show up on time, it would have saved him the mental strain it obviously took to think up a half-way decent excuse.

And when the introductions came, Yukio was once again let down when his tardy sensei hadn't even taken that seriously. Because, come on! 'Naughty words?' 'Gardening?' What was this guy trying to get at?

By the time Hidan-sensei had left, Yukio had been half tempted to march back to the Academy and demand an actual sensei, not the random loser who had stumbled into their classroom and bumbled through whatever that had just been. Hell, the fact that the guy arrived three hours late should have been telling enough that the guy was incompetent! Even teacher's pet Emi and Nanashi the Bastard extraordinaire thought so too!

"Do you think he'll even show up?" Yukio wondered aloud, his expression sullen.

"I don't know. He was late yesterday; maybe he's just late again." Emi tried to reason.

"Hn," Nanashi muttered though whether he agreed or not was beyond Yukio. He didn't speak Emo.

Suddenly, there was a whooshing sound and like the day before, Hidan-sensei appeared in a gust of wind and smoke, popping into existence from thin air looking exactly as he had the day before, smile and all.

"Hello everyone!" He exclaimed enthusiastically, "Sorry I'm so late but I was busy sealing a tailed beast."

"You lie!" Yukio screamed irritably. His excuses were even worse than yesterday!

"Anyway, gather around so I can tell you the purpose of today's lesson." Hidan said, ignoring Yukio's outburst as if he hadn't said a thing.

Realising that there wasn't any real point in continuing the argument, Yukio, like the others, moved in closer until they stood in a semi-circle around their sensei, waiting.

"Alright, today we'll be doing some survival training." Hidan grinned down at them.

"Survival training?" Yukio asked, perking up slightly at the sound of it. Maybe they were going to run some awesome obstacle course of death or track down some evil rogue ninja and fight them to the death! It may not beat cool ninjutsu but it would be way better than class work and theory.

"Yup. This will be a test." As soon as the word 'test' left Hidan-sensei's mouth, Yukio's excitement immediately deflated. "If you pass, not only will you become genin but you will have also managed to survive, thus survival training!"

"Survive!?" Yukio exclaimed, his eyes dark widening in panic. Did that mean they could literally _die_ during a _test_? Was that even legal?

"Sensei, what do you mean when you said we'd become genin?" Emi chimed in, seemingly unaffected by the fact that she could _die _sometime today. "Aren't we already genin?"

"No, you're not." Hidan said, further shocking poor Yukio and taking great pleasure in it said not-a-genin suspected. "The Academy exams were only really there to weed out the super weak brats and those who couldn't give a damn. The rest of you are only just a little less pathetic so the Genin Exams were created to truly test you."

"What exactly do we have to do?" Nanashi asked in a monotone, finally speaking up for the first time that day. Yukio took a moment to stare at the redhead and Hidan seemed to do the same.

"That's the most you've ever said at once, isn't it Red?" Hidan asked making Yukio and Emi both laugh. Nanashi groused and glared at the silver haired shinobi in response.

"Anyway," Hidan said, calling attention back to him, "to answer Red's question, each of the jonin sensei devise an exam for their teams and since you guys were so lucky as to have me as a sensei, I've decided to take on a more do-or-die approach, a fight for your lives as shinobi so to speak."

"Who will we fight?" Yukio asked, catching onto his sensei's meaning instantly. Maybe this test wouldn't be so bad. "Rogue ninja? The Yukage?"

"Nah, you don't want to fight that old geezer." Hidan replied, shocking Yukio and the others a bit with his callous referral to the village leader. "Instead, you will all be fighting me! Isn't that great?" Hidan asked, his eyes wide with excitement though Yukio felt only disappointment. They were meant to fight this moron? Three to one?

Suddenly puffing up with glee, Yukio realised that this test of theirs would be easy. As far as Yukio had seen, Hidan was a childish idiot who'd made a rank like jonin by luck or something. The most dangerous thing about him was his annoying habit of being late and his stupid excuses.

"Hn." Nanashi grunted.

"Okay then," Hidan grinned. Yukio watched as the silver haired jonin into his black and red cloak and pulled out two tiny little bells held up in Hidan's hand by a thin piece of pale ribbon. Tinkling chimes filled the air as they were jostled by every slight bit of movement Hidan made as he dangled them in front of his three students.

Yukio felt confusion as he gazed at the bells. What could they possibly have to do with a survival test?

"You're objective is to get these bells off of me." Hidan explained.

"But Sensei, there are only two." Emi pointed out.

"Very astute Girly." Hidan nodded, using that same nickname he had the day before Yukio noted. Hopefully he didn't get stuck with an annoying nickname either. "Only two of you will be passing todays test. Those who fail will either be sent back to the academy or… well, let's just say we'll all hope you make it back to the academy. Now, you have until… eh, let's go with one to get the bells or fail."

Reaching into his cloak once again, Hidan pulled out an old styled bronze alarm clock and absentmindedly set it, twisting the little nobs before nodding to himself. He gently sat the clock down on the grass and tied the bells to his left wrist.

Yukio meanwhile let the words sink in. Glancing to his right at both Emi and Nanashi, he silently wondered if he could beat them to the bells and decided that he was best to stick with what he knew. He'd charge in head on and see how good his jonin sensei really was, that way he was more likely to find a chink in the man's armour and then bam! He'd have the bells!

"Now one more thing brats." Hidan said, calling Yukio's attention back once more though this time there was something different about his sensei. He still wore that same goofy wide grin on his face. What had changed, Yukio silently wondered.

"I've been told there shouldn't be any lasting damage done during this little test of ours. That means no lethal blows, no maiming, no gouging and especially no skewering… sadly." Hidan stated sincerely, looking highly disappointed and deflated as he spoke. Yukio could almost feel Emi relaxing beside him and even he himself felt a lot better after Hidan had said that lethal blows weren't allowed, even if it was kind of obvious… That is until he continued to speak.

"You guys can do whatever the hell you want though." The insane jonin added on, almost like an afterthought but Yukio had caught the jonin's meaning and couldn't seem to focus on anything else.

Yukio was too busy coping with the realisation that his jonin sensei was upset that he wasn't allowed to murder them! Because there was no doubt in Yukio's mind that Hidan was being serious when he'd used the words 'maiming', 'gouging' and 'skewering'. Nor was his disappointment in the apparent lack of 'maiming', 'gouging' and 'skewering' he was allowed to inflict while fighting them an act. Hidan honestly wouldn't mind, no, he actually seemed more than happy with the idea of killing them all!

"Come at me with the intent to kill. Go!" Hidan cried however Yukio was having none of that.

He turned and ran, jumping up into the trees and manoeuvring himself through the branches until he found a good perch hidden from view by the plumage while giving himself a good position for surprise attacks and the monitoring of his foe. Glancing around, he noticed that Emi and Nanashi had also hidden themselves since he couldn't see them in the clearing. Only their sensei remained, standing perfectly still having not moved an inch since he'd said the word 'go'.

Yukio idly wondered what would happen next until, it happened.

Nanashi shot out of some bushes not too far away from where Yukio was hidden and flitted across the field with blinding speed. Yukio was slightly jealous as he watched his rival engage their jonin sensei. Nanashi had jumped up and thrown an axe kick at their sensei's chest when Hidan reached out, grabbed his leg and tossed him back.

Imagine Yukio's surprise when Nanashi didn't just skid back a couple of feet but literally flew through the air and commando rolled across the grass several meters away with wide eyes. Those shocked green eyes narrowed. Nanashi stood up again, his skin grazed and bruised already.

Yukio watched as Nanashi charged again and again and each time he was flung away like a bug. Inwardly, Yukio felt his heart sink further and further with each new skid mark his rival created in the grassy field. Finally though, it seemed Nanashi had become frustrated enough to talk.

"Stop looking so bored and fight me! I'm not like anything you've ever seen before." Nanashi seethed as he ran forward one more time, his fist cocked back and ready to cause damage.

"Really Red?" Hidan asked nonchalantly, his face still contorted into the same bored expression he had taken up around the time of Nanashi's fifth attack attempt. "Because I can confidently say I have seen someone exactly like you before."

"Let me give you a little warning – it didn't end so good for him." Hidan suddenly grinned as Nanashi came closer and closer. This time though it was a little different Yukio noticed. This time Hidan's smile was just a little… deranged.

Just as Nanashi threw and finally landed a punch on Hidan, the silver haired man exploded into a cloud of smoke.

"It's a clone!" Emi's voice rang out through the clearing having realised just before Yukio and Nanashi what was going on.

"**Earth Release: Double Suicide Decapitation Technique (Doton: Shinjū Zanshu no Jutsu)**." Hidan's voice rang out through the clearing, making Nanashi freeze.

Suddenly, a loud cracking sound was heard before two pale hands emerged from the ground below Nanashi and gripped the redhead's ankles, pulling him down into the earth until only his head remained above ground. Nanashi stayed there, incapacitated and unable to move with only his head above ground mere minutes into the fight.

Hidan shot up from the earth behind Nanashi making the boy flinch as dirt flew about his exposed head. Tilting his head to the side, just as he had the day before, Yukio head a series of cracks from Hidan's neck before the jonin rolled his shoulders and held out his right hand to the side. Yukio was confused – was he signalling them or something? – when Hidan suddenly spoke, his voice raised to a yell.

"UNSEAL!"

There was a popping sound before smoke began to billow out of Hidan's outstretched arm. Yukio watched curiously from his hiding place among the trees as the smoke cleared to reveal a terrifying weapon.

In Hidan's hand was a monstrous looking scythe almost as big as the silver haired jonin was. It had a black handle and three crimson blades that got smaller from top to bottom, giving the scythe a lethal look. Holding the weapon, Yukio decided that indeed his sensei could look scary if he wanted to. Of course he still had that same stupid smile plaster on his face but his eyes, his violet eyes were as hard as diamond as he gazed out across the field. His glacial gaze was gleaming with something Yukio was afraid to identify.

"This is my primary weapon." Hidan proclaimed to the open air, his voice carrying across the training field while Nanashi watched the jonin with wide terrified eyes from his position in the ground. Hidan's tone was jovial but his eyes destroyed any effect his childish smile or his easy demeanour may have had. His next words only furthered the terrifying effect his actions had upon Yukio and by the looks of his reaction, Nanashi too. "It's a very versatile weapon and is very hard to use, let alone master. Its main purpose is to wound, not kill, despite its looks. Today, I'm going to show you why I love it so much… intimately."

As soon as those last words left his mouth, Yukio did not envy Nanashi anymore. In fact, Yukio forewent his hiding spot and bolted with only one thought on his mind: They were all going to die!

Running headlong through the trees, Yukio's whole body felt numb as he jumped from branch to branch in an attempt to escape. Sticking to the foliage, he hoped he was at least a little hidden but that hope froze along with his body when he heard it.

"This cable allows me to further increase the scythe's range by swinging it through the air. Let's test it." Hidan's voice suddenly chimed and it was way too close for Yukio's comfort.

Turning his head, Yukio felt his eyes widen in horror as he caught sight of Hidan standing several feet below him on the forest floor with his evil-looking scythe hoisted over his shoulder almost casually. He had a maniacal grin on his face, his eyes shining in sadistic glee. Yukio mentally retracted every statement or thought that implied Hidan as an idiot of any kind. He wasn't a person, he was a monster!

Noticing the long metal cable attached to the end of the scythe just as Hidan had described, Yukio's eyes trailed down the black metal cable until he was staring at Hidan's left hip where it wound around two spools. He could only guess at what kind of pain that would cause should he be hit, let alone the sharp edges of the Triple-Blade at the top of the scythe.

Slowly, Hidan hefted the large scythe up off of his shoulder and in a smooth movement showing no strain whatsoever, swung the weapon in a downward arc until the tip uppermost blade was just above the ground. His cold eyes on Yukio, watching his reaction the genin hopeful guessed, Hidan sudden let the weapon drop to the ground.

A large dent immediately imprinted itself on the ground under the weight of the weapon, thin cracks splitting the earth under the pressure. Silently, Yukio wondered how such a thing could become airborne, let alone act as a projectile as Hidan had suggested. Hell, Yukio was puzzled at how the jonin could lift the bloody thing!

"As you can guess, it's kind of heavy. Let's see how much that inhibits me, eh, Bandana Boy?"

Letting out a terrified yell, Yukio jumped back just as the horrific weapon imbedded itself in the tree he'd just been standing in front of. He hadn't even really seen his sensei lift the scythe, only a blur of movement and instinct had kept Yukio in one piece. Yukio watched as the scythe twitched before, with a tug on the connecting cable by Hidan, the enormous weapon shot back into the waiting grip of its homicidal master.

Feeling desperate now as his would-be murderer approached, Yukio reached into the pouch strapped to his left thigh and grabbed onto the first thing his hand touched. By this time, Hidan was close enough to Yukio to be only seconds away from killing him so flinging his hand at Hidan, the twelve year old hurled a handful of shuriken at the jonin at near point-blank range. To Yukio's horror, Hidan twisted the hand gripping his scythe, raising the cable up to deflect the swarm of shuriken thrown at him.

Hidan came closer and closer, his expression filled to the brim with sadistic glee as he reached forward towards Yukio's shaking form. The blood coloured blades of the man's scythe gleamed and Yukio knew then and there that without a doubt he was going to-

DING!

**Author's Note:**

**I know it wasn't very original but I couldn't think of anything else to do so I decided to put a little twist at the end there. **

**Oh well, back to the drawing board...**


	5. Part 1 - Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto.**

PART I  
CHAPTER FOUR**  
**_Old Man Kamizuki And The C-Rank Mission_

Knocked out, just like that! A tap to the head and Emi had been out cold.

When she'd awoken, Emi had found Yukio tied to a tree and Nanashi sitting several feet away with a scowl on his face. From there, Hidan had given only Emi and Nanashi lunch and told them not to feed Yukio while he went to see the Yukage to see if they could have another go at the test. Truthfully, Emi wasn't sure she wanted one, not with Hidan anyway. However, Emi had also reasoned that Yukio hadn't eaten breakfast – none of them had – so maybe they should share the food.

Surprisingly, Nanashi was the first to agree with the proposal. So while reasoning that Hidan wasn't there, Emi and Nanashi had both fed Yukio. When Hidan had suddenly appeared, his expression somehow even more murderous than it had been earlier, Emi had honestly thought that Hidan would kill them. It was as if this had been the final straw for the obviously insane man so when Hidan had suddenly done a metaphorical one eighty and smiled at them, Emi had almost fainted. When Hidan told them they had passed, Yukio _had _fainted, much to Emi's later amusement. After reviving the dead last, Hidan had explained the real purpose behind the test: Teamwork.

However, while they may have passed, the shame of failing in the first place had yet to fade and Emi knew she wasn't the only one who thought so.

"I thought he was going to kill me!" Yukio whined loudly, grating at Emi's nerve with every word that came out of his annoying mouth. "He just kept coming at me with that huge scythe and that crazy look on his face and... oh, I thought I was gonna die!"

"Yes, okay, we get it. You've seen the light. Get over it, Sano!" Emi exclaimed, her annoyance with the bandana wearing idiot overcoming her usually kind disposition.

"But-" Yukio began to defend himself but never got the chance since he was interrupted by their, as earlier mentioned, borderline psychotic sensei.

"See here, Red? This is usually where the unsuspecting moron gets his ass handed to him by the girl he just pissed off." Hidan said slowly and in a sagely tone, as if teaching a valuable life lesson to a five year old. "You should never be the moron Red. You shouldn't be the constipated emo asshole either but you seem to be a bit stuck in your ways so I'll let it be for now."

"Hn."

"Good, now, come on. We're late for the meeting." Hidan grinned that same goofy smile he had before when they all thought he was a pathetic loser. Now they thought he was a murderous semi-functioning sociopath and Emi hoped to god he didn't influence them too much.

Sighing, Emi kept on walking down the corridor until they came to a large set of double doors, behind which was a meeting they had to go to, if Hidan was to be believed. Emi reached forward to knock but was beaten to it when Hidan slammed the doors open where they most likely cracked the walls if the loud BANG was any indication.

Tentatively entering the office, Emi was greeted with the sight of a room full of curious jonins. Hidan strolled past Emi where she'd paused in the doorway and the jonins in turn parted like the red sea until Emi caught sight of her sensei's destination.

Sitting at a large wooden desk covered in large stack of paper was an old man who, in Emi's mind at least, resembled her grandfather. He had greying brown hair and the brightest blue eyes she had ever seen surrounded by wrinkled, weathered skin and thick eyebrows. This man was Kamizuki Shigure, the Shodaime Yukage.

"You're late." The Yukage stated, not even bothering to question Hidan or reprimand him for the damage he'd done to the door. Instead, Hidan stopped in front of the old man's desk to have what looked like a short staring contest with him. Who won it was not clear to Emi.

"Yeah, sorry about that," Hidan grinned, looking not at all sorry, "I had to go dig something up and it took a little longer than I thought it would." Hidan grinned sheepishly, scratching the back of his head with his eyes shut and his expression that of childish embarrassment.

"Are you ever going to actually tell me the truth?" The Yukage asked with a sigh.

"But I do! I've never lied a day in my life." Hidan exclaimed defensively, earning him several disbelieving looks from around the room. Emi noticed she wasn't the only one staring as Hidan showed blatant disrespect to the Yukage and the fact that the elder shinobi actually let him do it.

"So, Hidan, I see you've brought your team here even though I told you to let them go home after the exams." The Yukage said, changing the subject now as he gazed at Emi and the two boys standing a little behind her, both shocked into silence just as she was she assumed since Yukio didn't respond. "Fine, just tell me, how did they go?" The Yukage asked, turning his attention back onto Hidan, seeming to accept anything odd about the silver haired jonin as normal.

"Oh, they were pathetic." Hidan said dismissively making Emi flinch. Pathetic was a pretty hard hitting word in this kind of situation. "I was tempted to actually put them out of their misery, no matter what kind of long-ass lectures you'd make me listen to." Hidan continued on casually, as if he hadn't just stated that he had indeed tried to kill them all.

"But you didn't."

"No, they're not as annoying as some of the other brats you could have landed me with." Hidan replied to the Yukage's statement – again, it wasn't a question.

"Good, I'm glad you like them." The Yukage finally said making everyone in the room blanch. Liked them? LIKED THEM! Emi would hate to see how Hidan reacted to someone he hated. "You will be officially called Team Hidan from now on." The old man finished.

"Oh, come off it old man." Hidan grinned and the whole room seemed to take a collective breath in and hold it. Had Hidan actually just called the village leader an old man… to his face? "How uncreative is that! Couldn't we at least be Team Awesome or Team Kickass?"

"I am not old." Was the Yukage's only reply.

"You are. You just won't admit it." Hidan retorted cheekily.

"Get out and take your genin with you, idiot." The Yukage barked.

Hidan shrugged at the order and, after spinning around on his heels, confidently strode through the room with a smooth casual gait. As he passed, the jonin began to mutter and whisper amongst themselves…

"That guy's a jonin?"

"I feel sorry for those kids."

As more and more began to slander and question her sensei, Emi felt the uncharacteristic need to defend her sensei. Sure, he was probably going to get them all killed somehow but goddammit the guy was her teacher now. They shouldn't ridicule him just because his methods were a little – okay, _very_ – extreme and he lacked any knowledge on the concept of respect and sanity. In fact, Emi had just opened her mouth to give those jonin a piece of her mind and maybe even put a healthy dose of fear into them when faced with someone like Hidan but…

It seemed that the Yukage beat her to it.

"Oh and Hidan," the old man called out making Hidan pause midstride just a few feet away from Emi and the others of Team Hidan.

"Yes?"

"That means no more A and S-Rank missions." The Yukage said, as if talking to a young child before going on to say, "Another restriction I will have to enforce will be no teaching them _anything_ over B-Rank until they are high level chunin at least. You got that? That also means no explosions, death traps or battles to the death labelled as 'training'. You _also_ cannot kill them if they annoy you like you decided to do with my ANBU."

Emi felt her eyes widen in shock. Hidan had killed ANBU? And he'd gotten away with that? How? WHY?

"Seriously? I'm not an idiot Old Man Kamizuki and you know what the ANBU are like. They just… grate at my nerves is all." Hidan said in all seriousness leaving every occupant of the room dumbstruck with the sole exception being the Yukage himself.

"You strung them up by their entrails." The old man deadpanned.

"It was a fitting punishment and you know it old man!" Hidan groused.

"And I told you stop calling me that!" The Yukage growled, finally starting to look a least a little bit angry though for the wrong reasons in Emi's opinion.

"When you die old man." Hidan retorted.

"Whatever. Just make sure you don't kill anyone on your way out." The Yukage sighed, having obviously given up on a lost cause. His comment however was met with various reactions from the jonin in the room.

Hidan nodded and turned around, gently ushering Emi and Yukio out with Nanashi trailing behind of his own looking to be a little shocked to do anything else. Hidan winked quickly down at Emi, that same shit eating grin on his face the only warning Emi had.

"If you say so old man." Hidan replied carelessly from over his shoulder before slamming the doors shut behind him just in time to avoid whatever projectile the Yukage had hurled at him for the comment. A loud thud was heard as the object rebounded off the closed door.

"I'm not old, you evil purple eyed bastard!" Could be heard being shouted from the other side of the set of wooden double doors.

Emi just let out a tired sigh at her sensei's antics, no longer surprised. She'd once been told that the strongest ninja were always a little odd. If her sensei was this crazy, he must be powerful – he was already scary enough so why not?

Oh well. This is, after all, what she got for wanting to be a ninja.

* * *

It had been almost five months since Hidan had taken on his genin team and he could honestly say that he was surprised and a little proud of himself since he hadn't killed one of them yet. Not to say he was premeditating and planning to murder his students, no, more like they annoyed him almost constantly to the point that he was driven to trying to kill them. Okay, not really 'them'. It was more specifically just Yukio and Nanashi that bugged the crap out of him.

Hidan was aware that several years ago, the idea of honestly contemplating, let alone succeeding, to kill someone would have upset him greatly. In the last six and half years since he'd awoken in his new life, Hidan had changed drastically though it was in the last two and a half years that he'd really gotten used to his new personality and begun to make an identity for himself. Already after only five months of interacting around the village proper he was considered Yugakure's very own Anko, Kakashi and Jiraiya all rolled into one with a hint of Naruto. It was easy to say that he both scared the shit out of and amused many among the villagers and shinobi alike.

In fact, a rather common sight to see in the Hidden Village in Hot Water these days was either Yukio and Nanashi – or both – running for their lives with a ticked off Hidan on their tails, threatening their lives with anything from kunai to carrots. Some of the chunin even held betting pots on who would be on the receiving end of Hidan's wrath next and with what would he threaten their lives. Hell, some people actually bet on which of his students would survive the longest.

Kurama had been especially amused by the last one.

Speaking of Kurama, the nine tails had gotten used to the new Naruto/Hidan hybrid fairly quickly. It even considered this new and improved Hidan family. Hidan and his antics were amusing enough either way.

Speaking of his antics, Hidan had just arrived at the training grounds three hours late with a grin on his face, just as usual.

"Sorry I'm late guys but I was trying to create my own nudist colony and no one would join." Hidan said in mock disappointment, enjoying the annoyed and somewhat gobsmacked expressions he received in response.

"Liar!" Yukio screamed, as usual.

"Really sensei, a nudist colony? That's the excuse you came up with?" Emi asked, looking a little disgusted at the thought.

"Hn."

"What do you mean 'came up with?'" Hidan asked, forever 'oblivious' to his own lies. Shrugging his shoulders for show, Hidan decided to drop the M-bomb. "Anyway, today we'll be going up to Old Man Kamizuki's office for a mission."

As soon as the word 'mission' left his lips, Hidan was grabbed by Yukio and dragged from the training grounds, an unamused Emi and a silent Nanashi trailing behind. Hidan grinned at his students. They may annoy him but he did like them. They each reminded him a little of someone he knew, mostly the old team seven he'd been a part of. That was probably why he had such a soft spot for Yukio and a love of agitating Nanashi, not to mention his true passion these days: torturing them both at the same time!

Upon reaching the four story administrations building Team Hidan began navigating their way to Old Man Kamizuki's office. Grinning down at the determined expressions on his genins faces, Hidan could remember his own frustration with D-Rank mission back when he'd been stuck with them. Thank god those days were over!

Eventually they came to Kamizuki's office and the double doors leading to it. Sticking to what was usual in an ordinary day around Yugakure; Hidan kicked the doors open with a BANG, listening as they cracked against the walls with a perverted sense of satisfaction shared only by Kurama.

"I take it you're here for a mission." Kamizuki didn't even bother looking up from his paperwork to address them. He probably thought it was pretty cool when he did it and Hidan could see that his genin thought so too.

Grinning like a fool knowing exactly what to say to piss the man off and destroy his omniscient act.

"Sure thing, old man."

And just like that, the effect Kamizuki was going for was completely destroyed by the old Kage himself when he screamed at the top of his lungs, "STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

"No." Hidan stated simply, grinning maniacally at the man.

"Sensei…"

Looking do at Emi, Hidan was slightly surprised when the girl punched him not-so-subtly in the ribs and gave him a hard stare that screamed 'get-me-a-good-mission-NOW'. Hidan internally sighed, it was time to end his fun and get to the point it seemed.

"Right, we want a mission old man." Hidan said bluntly.

"Good," Kamizuki nodded, "we have several standing missions that you can take. They include weeding, walking a dog, babysitting my grandson, babysitting my other grandson, harvesting a wheat crop or-"

"No thanks Old Man Kamizuki." Hidan interrupted him, making sure to look bored.

"You can do my paperwork for me." The Kage suggested while looking almost hopeful but even then, Hidan wasn't that cruel. He even stated so.

"Fuck no. Even I wouldn't make my students do something like _that_." Hidan exclaimed indignantly, viciously crushing the old man's hopes and dreams.

"I was talking to you." Kamizuki deadpanned.

"We'll take a C-Rank." Hidan said, ignoring the old Kage's earlier comment.

"Are your students prepared for that?" The aging Yukage asked seriously.

Hidan took on a thoughtful expression of his own and began muttering to himself, "Probably not but they can't be as bad as when they started. They'd need to lose limbs to be that bad…" Looking up to see an amused Yukage and three distressed genin, Hidan knew he had accomplished all of his aims in life for the next ten minutes. "I mean, eh, yeah, they'll be fine." Hidan said in a louder, more confident voice though to the genin, it probably sounded very fake; as intended.

"Very well." Kamizuki nodded. "You will be escorting Sashimi Shirono, current head of the Shirono Clan, to the Land of Wind."

Suddenly getting another fun idea, Hidan frowned at his aging friend and crinkled his nose slightly in distaste. "Sounds like a bore." He said rather bluntly before asking, "What was that about babysitting a couple of your brats?"

"Sensei!" Nanashi suddenly yelled, looking beyond pissed at the silver haired jonin.

"You bastard!" Yukio chimed before the two genin tackled Hidan bodily. Hidan was impressed when Nanashi grabbed both of his arms and pinned them down so that Yukio could climb up his torso and shove his smaller hand over Hidan's mouth, effectively shutting him up given he didn't seriously struggle. Hidan played along, glaring down at a suspiciously innocent looking Emi who was already talking to a highly amused Kamizuki, silently promising retribution.

"He meant we'll take the C-Rank Yukage-sama." Emi said just a little too sweetly.

"Yes, that is _exactly_ what he meant." Yukio chimed.

"Hn."

"I see. Sashimi will be informed to wait for you at the front gates. Don't be late Hidan." Kamizuki said. As soon as the words left his mouth, both Yukio and Nanashi let go of Hidan and grinned in accomplishment with Emi; Yukio and Emi even high fived while Nanashi smirked triumphantly in the background.

Oh well, it was okay. Hidan would get them back later, besides, he was way scarier. His revenge would be by far superior to anything they could pull.

"Whatever you say old man." Hidan grinned, ducking just in time to avoid the paperweight that had been aimed at his head.

"Don't call me that!" Kamizuki yelled.

Hidan almost laughed aloud as he pushed his genin out of the room and, just for spite, slammed the doors shut behind him creating a gust of wind headed directly for Kamizuki's desk. His desk covered from edge to edge in stack and stacks of paper.

"Damn you to hell Hidan!" Kamizuki screamed in rage from inside the office.

Hidan ignored the old man's cursing which was, in Hidan's opinion, very weak and turned to his students with a suddenly serious expression on his face.

"Alright kids, you have twenty minutes to grab a week's worth of supplies and meet me at the front gate. Dismissed."

The serious face must have worked because Emi let out a small squeak before the three bolted for their homes as if the hounds of hell were at their heels. Granted, he'd probably reminded them a little too much of their genin exams for them to be comfortable in any way shape or form around him. He still grinned whenever he remembered that day.

Whenever he scared someone like that, he always felt like he had when he pulled a good prank back when he was Naruto. Since he couldn't really pull pranks anymore as Hidan – that and it would feel wrong – he'd decided he'd pull a prank Hidan could pull, i.e. scaring the shit out of everyone!

* * *

Sashimi Shirono was a beautiful woman. She was of moderate height with long dark hair that cascaded down her back, smooth unblemished skin and dark eyes. When she'd hired shinobi to escort her to the Land of Wind, she'd had no idea what the hell she'd gotten herself into.

* * *

Nanashi found that he was the first to arrive at the gates. It wasn't very surprising, not when he was always the first to arrive since the first gathering of Team Hidan and the first to arrive since then. He'd spent less than five minutes in his home, three of those were spent gathering necessary supplies and one was spent informing his father of his first C-Rank mission to which he was told he was not to fail. At any costs.

It seemed the old proverb would always prove true; you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. Not that Nanashi really had any friends. The closest he has was Yukio Sano and Nanashi had always thought of the boy as the dead last of the Academy, a hopeless excuse for a ninja. Or so he'd thought anyway. Under Hidan-sensei's torturous if not insane tutelage, Nanashi had noticed that even if they had yet to learn many jutsu – which he secretly suspected was because Hidan-sensei didn't know anything below B-Rank as the Yukage had first dictated was his limit – they had surely grown as shinobi.

So even if Nanashi thought his sensei was a hopeless tardy loon with a few shiny toys, he respected that he was at least a decent teacher.

Nanashi was broken from his thoughts by the arrival of both Emi and Yukio. The two returned the nod Nanashi sent his way before they turned their attention to the only other person still loitering around the large gates leading to Yugakure.

She was a beautiful woman with dark hair that she had pulled up into an intricate bun at the back of her head. She wore a pale pink traditional kimono and stood with the quiet grace of a lady.

Glancing at the other two, Nanashi nodded in silent agreement with Emi while Yukio looked a little confused. When Emi took the lead, Nanashi and Yukio – who had finally understood what the other two had communicated to each other – followed and together, the three genin approached the lone pretty woman.

"Are you Sashimi Shirono?" Emi enquired once they'd reached the woman.

Emi had been elected their official 'spokesperson' so to speak early on when it became apparent that both Yukio and Hidan-sensei had about as much tact as a rock and Nanashi himself barely spoke beyond what was necessary. Nanashi had noted even back in the Academy that Emi was both level-headed and compassionate, a good trait to have as a medic nin and, as it happens, a leader.

"Yes, I am. Who might you be?" The beautiful woman, Sashimi, asked in return.

"We are your escorts. I am Emi and this is Yukio and Nanashi." Emi introduced them, indicating as to whom each name belonged before adding, "Our sensei is Hidan but he'll probably be a while so-"

"Ah, good. You're all here." A familiar voice interrupted the girl. Nanashi spun on his heels, disbelief breaking through his emotional barriers only to be blatantly displayed in his expression but Nanashi was too shocked to care. Walking towards him in a casual gait was Hidan-sensei. "Have any of you seen our client by any chance?"

It took under nought point two seconds for Nanashi to realise that this man could not be his sensei. He was on time and he was being polite, two things Nanashi knew for a fact Hidan-sensei was incapable of. Which could mean only one thing: this man wasn't Hidan. It also seemed that he wasn't the only one to think so.

"Who are you?!" Yukio yelled at the top of his lungs, his expression murderous as he glared daggers at the imposter. Already in his hands were two kunai, his fingers curled around the handles until they were white.

"What are you talking about Yukio?" The unknown man tried to reason, probably trying to throw them off of his tracks by playing innocent. Idiot, Hidan-sensei didn't play innocent. He was childish and goofy but he could not pull off that kind of sincere incomprehension when in the face of such allegations. Hidan-sensei would try to kill them all for threatening him, not try to talk them down. Foolish imposter…

"He asked you who the fuck you are," Nanashi grounded out from behind clenched teeth. He'd already dropped into a defensive position in front of Sashimi when he spoke, his tanto drawn and pointed threateningly at the imposter.

"Nanashi, what are you do-?"

"I don't know who you are but you made a huge mistake in disguising yourself as Hidan-sensei." Emi snarled angrily, interrupting the imposter before he could spout anymore nonsense. Instead, she did what any sane twelve year old would do in this kind of situation – emulate the scariest person you knew. Nanashi was not at all surprised when he realised that that person was Hidan-sensei himself. It was just too bad Emi wasn't very good at being Hidan.

"When Hidan-sensei catches up with you, you are going to wish you were dead you… ass." Emi growled out, the curse word sounding odd and forced to Nanashi when coming out of her mouth, even if her words wrung true enough with everything Nanashi knew about his tardy psycho sensei. "Our sensei may not have much going him in skill, power or intelligence as a shinobi, but he one crazy loon and he will Screw. You. Up."

"What-?"

When the imposter tried to speak again, Yukio shot himself forward, surprising Nanashi with his speed, and grabbed a hold of the imposter's cloak. Using the man's body as leverage, Yukio managed to scale the imposter like a ladder until he had his legs wrapped around the imposter's torso and a kunai at his throat.

"You see, you made two mistakes, asshole." Yukio spat out. "One: Hidan-sensei is _always_ three hours late. To everything. No matter what. Number two: Hidan-sensei _never_ calls us by our given names. EVER."

"You hardly studied him at all, did you dipshit?" Nanashi asked a little tauntingly before he was brought out of his anger by a worried voice.

"What are you doing to him?" Sashimi asked, panicking.

Turning to the woman – their client – Nanashi silently amended, he waited for Emi to reply, being the more reassuring of the two. Yukio wouldn't be too good at reassuring given his position at the imposter's throat.

"Miss, please stay back. We don't know who this man is but he is not our sensei." Emi spoke calmly, trying to sooth the woman. When Yukio let out a short shout, Nanashi turned just in time to see Yukio land on his ass with Hidan-sensei's imposter brushing off his cloak rather nonchalantly. Then, a familiar goofy grin spread across the man's face and he turned towards Sashimi who still looked rather unsettled.

"Sorry about that. I am Hidan. My brats tend to get a little rowdy when they're given sugar so don't mind them. I'll assume you're Sashimi Shirono?" The man who had apparently been Hidan-sensei the whole time said.

"Yes." Sashimi nodded. Her body language was once again strong and firm at Hidan-sensei's introduction and assurances. How Hidan-sensei could be assuring though was beyond Nanashi.

"Good, that would have been pretty awkward otherwise." Hidan-sensei grinned childishly with a wink. "We will be your escort to the Land of Wind."

"A bunch of kids and an idiot?" Sashimi asked, looking skeptical from the three genin to their sensei.

"You shouldn't call Bandana Boy such names," Hidan smiled, ignoring the indignant "hey!" shouted by Yukio in response and continued on to say, "but since you asked for final confirmation then yes, we were definitely your escort the last time I checked. Now that all the dramas over with, let's move out!" Hidan cried overdramatically before marching out the gates of Yugakure.

Nanashi silently watched the man he'd known for scarcely five and a half months and wondered how he'd survived this far in the village with him, let alone the elemental countries.

"You weren't serious earlier thinking he was an imposter, right?" A feminine voice asked, breaking Nanashi from his thoughts. Nanashi turned around to give Sashimi a blank stare before turning around and following his wayward sensei, ignoring the question altogether.

She obviously hadn't spent much time with Hidan-sensei.

* * *

"I'm tired." Yukio whined, making sure to drag the two words out for a long as humanly possible.

"Hey, Bandana Boy!" Hidan-sensei barked, his purple eyes narrowing in contempt as he stared at the dead last of the Yugakure Academy. "What was Rule Number Three of the Five Core Rules™?"

"No whinging." Yukio pouted at having to be reminded _again_. It wasn't his fault it was so boring. He'd thought C-Rank missions would be more interesting than this but all they'd done so done was walk. That wasn't very special. Yukio walked all the time, the only difference now was that he was walking with their client and his team in the woods towards the Land of Wind instead of around the Hidden Village in Hot Water.

"The Five Core Rules?" Great. Sashimi just had to ask _that _question.

"No, Hidan-sensei's Five Core Rules™." Emi corrected, hopefully having directed the question away so that nothing too… painful was resurfaced.

"What's the difference?" Sashimi asked, looking a little annoyed at having been corrected by a twelve year old over such a minute detail.

The fact that she was even questioning it told Yukio only one thing about Sashimi and that was that she obviously hadn't spent much time with Hidan-sensei.

"Everything." Nanashi grunted in his standard bored tone though the fact that he'd spoken at all was probably because the conversation had steered into touchy territory for the three genin. Some things just shouldn't be witnessed by mortal men, Yukio had long since decided.

"What are the Five Core Rules™ then?" Sashimi asked again, seeming to make it a point of fixing her mistake while glancing at Emi. Of course, she'd had to ask _again_. Yukio braced himself for the inevitable but nothing could prepare him for the mental horrors such drilling had done on his young psyche.

"Rule Number One: Hidan-sensei is always right." Nanashi spoke automatically; his usually bored voice now an even duller monotone, his face pale and his eyes blank.

"Rule Number Two: Do not, under any circumstance, wake Hidan-sensei up." Emi continued seamlessly, her voice to just as dull and lifeless, her expression vague as she spoke.

"Rule Number Three: No whinging." Yukio spoke before he was conscious of it, his voice, like the others, was a complete monotone as he spoke. He could feel his expression slackening and his eyelids dropping to half mast, making him look just as much like a lifeless doll as the others.

"Rule Number Four: Do as Hidan-sensei says, not as he does." Nanashi droned on again before Emi went on to say an obligatory: "And the most important,"

"Rule Number Five: Don't piss Hidan-sensei off." All three genin stated in perfect unison, their faces mirror images revealing nothing.

"Oh. Well that's just, um…" Sashimi tried to speak but couldn't seem to find anything fitting to say.

However, it wasn't over yet. In continued unison, the three genin rattled off the remaining lines, just as they'd been programmed taught, all still walking at a sedate pace with Sashimi in the middle of their formation. As one they stated, "Failure to comply with the Five Core Rules™ will result in the more than likely maiming, gouging and/or skewering of more than one part if not all of the human anatomy. Hidan-sensei is not liable for any damages, injuries or deaths caused in the event that one or more of the Five Core Rules™ has been broken. Results may vary. Does not include batteries."

"_Oh_," Was all Sashimi managed in response. There was complete silence for an hour after that.

**Author's Note: **

**Well, that's another chapter down. A whole lot more to go...**


	6. Part 1 - Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto.**

PART I  
CHAPTER FIVE**  
**_Unoriginal Swordsman Of The Pain-In-The-Ass-To-See-Through Mist… Again_

Emi frowned, her head snapping up towards the noise she'd just heard, her mind suddenly on high alert. Moving before she was conscious of it, hours of playing 'Kunai-in-the-Brat' and 'Dagger-the-little-shit-to-death' as Hidan had affectionately called the two 'training exercises' having taught her at least some form of muscle memory and reflexes. Either way, one moment her hands were in her kunai pouch and the next Emi had flung several kunai into a nearby bush.

"Jeez Emi, high strung much?" Yukio joked when nothing moved along the forest path.

"Bandana Boy," Hidan called in quieter tones than usual, pulling each of the genins' to attention to him as well as if he'd said "Look Here."

"Yes sensei?" Yukio asked.

"Shut up."

"Oh, okay sensei." Yukio muttered while sending Emi and Nanashi questioning glances.

Emi herself was rather confused by Hidan's sudden change in behaviour. Not even an hour ago the man had been grinning like a fool while telling them stories about ramen, trying to make them exciting when really; they were just boring stories about ramen. Why he thought there were interesting was beyond Emi.

What was also just a little beyond Emi was Hidan's out of the blue one eighty personality wise. Since her outburst, the group had stopped moving and Sashimi had been shifting her weight from foot to foot non-stop ever since. Hidan's expression had turned hard, his purple eyes narrowed slightly as his gaze slid over their surroundings, even though there was nothing there.

Slowly in the distance, thick mist crept across the forest floor towards them, rolling in on Team Hidan's position like a bee to honey. As soon as the mist was noticed, Emi tightened her guard once again, making sure to angle her body protectively in front of a terrified Sashimi. Nanashi and Yukio had already covered Sashimi's other weak points until the three encircled her like a protective wall.

"Don't worry you three." Hidan said from his position a little further ahead in an uncharacteristically serious tone that only seemed to scare Emi more. The change in Hidan's attitude meant that Hidan was worried and the idea of Hidan worrying about _anything_ was both a foreign and unnatural concept, one Emi wasn't sure anyone could accept. "No matter what happens," Hidan continued, "I'll always-"

A crackling sound like scrunched up tin foil and the smell of something burning was the only warning had before a thin object was propelled past her towards Hidan. It was too fast for Emi to warn him, moving closer and closer until, with a sickening squelching sound, Hidan was impaled in the chest from behind.

Emi screamed at the sight of Hidan standing not even a few feet away with jagged looking blade pushed into his upper torso. With blood beginning to ooze from the wound to soak into his black and red cloak, Hidan managed to finish the promise he had been in the middle of make before the attack with a trickle of crimson blood slipping down his chin from his grinning lips.

"-protect you."

Hidan fell to the ground with a hollow thud, his body bloodied and unresponsive. The mist seemed to thicken, hiding the body from view but even when she couldn't see him anymore, Emi continued to let out scream after scream.

In a rapid movement, a black shape dropped down from the trees canopy Emi assumed and stood over where Hidan had most likely fallen. The shape, a person bent down and pulled at something. With a horrific squelching sound, the weapon that had killed Emi's sensei was jerked from his body and again, the enemy shinobi vanished into the mist, ready to strike again.

* * *

Slinking through the mist with an expert ease after a remembered seventy years spent living in the same regions Kirigakure would later be built in was a very much alive and _very_ irritable Hidan of Yugakure. As soon as Emi had reacted to a not-so imagined sound in the woods, Hidan had known something was up. A thin lightning covered blade sliding through his ribcage and puncturing his lung had sort of sealed the deal though.

Stealthily, Hidan jumped up into a nearby tree, situating himself on solid branch before looking down to briefly examine his already closing wounds. He quickly decided that his cloak would have to be changed after he trounced the asshole that had caused the new stains in his favourite cloak. Even a few of the buttons had been ripped when the asshole had torn the sword he'd thrown at Hidan out of the silver haired jonin's torso leaving most of his bare chest exposed.

Looking back down on the scene below him, Hidan considered everything he knew about his mission and his opponent. Hidan internally groaned at the conclusion he'd come to because all in all, the situation was just way too familiar for Hidan's comfort and, quite frankly, it was all rather ridiculous. Shifty client on an 'easy' C-Rank escort mission: Check. Scared genin who flings kunai at local plant life for no apparent reason: Check. And then finally, there was bloody, fucking mist: Double check. Sure, it was a little mixed and matched but all they really needed now was Zabuza Momochi and his sexually confused sidekick and all would be right in the world!

"There are seven major organs of the human body. The lungs, kidney…"

Hidan stared blindly into the mist for a moment trying to comprehend exactly what is was he was hearing. Because it really couldn't be what he thought it was, could it?

"… brain, liver, intestines…"

Goddammit! What was it with him and dodgy C-Rank missions? Was it some sort of curse or law of nature that he run into a member of the Seven Shinobi Swordsman every single fucking time he left the village with an escort and some genin in tow? Because that's what it felt like!

Hidan glared agitatedly in the general direction the Mist-Swordsman-Asshole currently hiding in the mist was because honestly, he couldn't even name all of the actual merciless and much more terrifying fuckers he'd faced in either of his lifetimes. Hell, he was technically one of them! Was he really meant to be scared by this same old 'list names of organs and see if actually scares anyone' crap? It had been alright when he was a genin but for fuck's sake, this was First Generation Swordsman of the Bloody Mist… with capital letters! They couldn't have still been using the same scare tactics and everything, right?

"… Heart. Which one should I pierce first, hm?"

Holy shit, they still used the same scare tactics and everything! How was the Hidden Mist Village still even standing by the time the Fourth Shinobi War came around? This could not be all there was to a Shinobi Swordsman of Mist. Did they all cast the same stupid mist jutsu, prattle on about internal organs and toss a few water jutsu around? Granted, Zabuza had been more original with Haku around and Kisame was a badass no matter how you looked at it, but was this really all Hidan got out of the Hidden Mist anymore?

Mai Terumi was cool. She at least breathed lava… LAVA as in hot freaking MAGMA. Why couldn't Hidan just once get a guy that breathed lava? Was it because he was male that this Mist-Swordsman-Asshole thought it was a good idea to recycle all the same old crap? Did Hidan need a female opponent just to get a decent creative fight because this guy… this Mist-Swordsman-Asshole hadn't even shown his face yet for Jashin's sake!

…

And he even had Hidan using Jashin's name as a curse word now! Just great, he was developing _another _bad habit. And it was all this annoying, punk-ass Mist-Swordsman-Asshole's fault!

* * *

Yukio took it all back, everything derogatory in general he'd thought about Hidan, the Yukage and C-Rank missions since leaving Yugakure. Yukio regretted and took it all right on back having realised that C-Rank missions were not boring. Hell, they couldn't even be considered mildly interesting, not this C-Rank anyway. No, this shit was actually real and very, _very _dangerous! And how could he tell?

His own sensei had just been impaled with a freaking sword, that's how!

As soon as the mist began to appear and thicken to the point that he couldn't even see a foot in front of him, Yukio had known that play time was over. When Hidan had started to speak, to tell them something important and maybe even sappy by the sounds of it, Yukio thought that maybe this was the end. Hidan was not sappy and the only reason Yukio could think of him sounding so was that they were all going to die. It was the only logical conclusion. Period.

Now he was sure of this fact because with Hidan dead or even just injured and unable to fight, they were still done for. They were only three genin and a civilian woman up against an unknown opponent with a clear advantage if this mist was anything to go by.

"Well, well, well… what do we have here?" A deep voice rasped. The confidence in that voice seemed to only confirm Yukio's theories of whose ability to fight was superior, however, that did not mean that the genin couldn't try _something_. Attempting to pinpoint from which direction the aggressor was speaking, Yukio was quick to realise that there must have been some sort of jutsu in use because the voice was echoing from everywhere.

"There are seven major organs of the human body." The enemy shinobi's voice echoed through the mist. "The lungs, kidney, brain, liver, intestines as well as the heart. Which one should I pierce first, hm?"

At this, the enemy began to chuckle evilly.

"Maybe…"

Some sort of movement to his left brought Yukio's body into action. Spinning on his heels, Yukio managed to swipe his arms out and knock both himself and Sashimi to the ground with Emi and Nanashi following soon after. Landing on his back with a thud, Yukio caught his first glimpse of his sensei's murderer.

He looked like a teenager Yukio first realised but even then, he was an average teenager with average features. Dark brown hair cut short and beady green eyes the colour of slime and algae. He wore plain black shinobi pants and a long sleaved grey haori over a well-muscled chest. In each hand he bore two thin blades with sharp prongs sticking out of the sides of the two swords, making them exceptionally lethal.

Upon the enemy shinobi's head was a Kirigakure headband leaving Yukio unsurprised when the teen smiled to reveal sharp shark-like teeth. Yukio absently noted as the shinobi grinned maniacally down at him that that smile didn't really scare him. It might have once upon a time ago but the truth of the matter was that Hidan had always been scarier, even during his daily training sessions he was more intimidating than this sharp toothed enemy was.

Which brought Yukio to a strange conclusion: that maybe, just maybe, his sensei had always seemed so homicidal because he was desensitising them, training them to be able to deal with terrifying people, enemy shinobi. Don't get him wrong, Yukio had no doubt in his mind as to just how psychotic his sensei was. He just seemed to have a method to his madness was all, having been teaching his genin how to deal with fear by being the most terrifying person they'd ever hope to meet. That way everyone else's scare tactics would look amateur by comparison.

"…This one!" The shinobi yelled, bringing his weapon down on Yukio's prone form.

CLANG!

Looking up cautiously, Yukio saw before him a sight he thought he'd never see. Nanashi – the all-around emo bastard – stood over him, a kunai locked in place with the enemy shinobi's blade, hooked on one of the prongs the weapon sported for additional leverage. Off in the distance Yukio could also see Emi ushering Sashimi behind a bush. Idly, Yukio hoped the two stayed safe.

"Don't just sit there, Dead Last!" Nanashi growled, finally breaking Yukio from his inactive state. "MOVE!" The redhead screamed.

"You little brat!" The enemy ninja yelled in frustration, pulling back from the deadlock slightly only to send a devastating kick to Nanashi's side. The smaller green eyed boy fell easily under the force of the blow landing not too far away from the place where Yukio was only now just starting to get up.

Seeing that they were both down on the forest path, only just readjusting to their current positions, the Kirigakure shinobi struck with deadly force. The strange twin blades were both brought upon Yukio and Nanashi alike in a downward arc, the descent slow to Yukio who for just an instant knew what people meant when they said they saw their lives flash before their eyes.

Because for just a moment, Yukio was brought back to that first day as a shinobi, during that one moment in his genin test when Yukio too thought he would die. Back then it had been Hidan that had been so close to killing him, only seconds away from murdering him in cold blood. And then there hadn't been a mission for a reason or anything. He'd thought Hidan was going to kill him just for the hell of it. Yukio could remember Hidan's expression filled to the brim with sadistic glee and wondered idly if this guy was the same, just killing him and Nanashi for the hell of it, because they were a couple of newbie genin and it was just easier this way.

That only made the Kirigakure ninja a coward though. It was like a big kid picking on a toddler – Yukio hadn't had the chance to grow up yet.

As the blade drew closer, almost in contact with his head he noticed, Yukio decided to close his eyes. He didn't want to see it coming he decided. However, when nothing happened after a second or so of waiting, Yukio was only confused. The enemy couldn't really be that slow at attacking, could he? The Kiri ninja had been an instant from killing him when he closed his eyes… had he already died?

"Hey guys!"

Eyes shooting open, Yukio looked up only to find… silver. Long silver hair held back in a ponytail that reached the lower back of a tall man, the huge scroll he usually adorned missing from his attire. Hidan stood over the shocked form of Yukio with Nanashi not too far away looking just as gobsmacked by the man's sudden reappearance… a LIVING reappearance that is. His attitude was just as it usually was: completely inappropriate.

For example, there he was, standing over two twelve year old boys who had just had a near death experience and all he was doing now was smiling with a big goofy grin on his face, completely destroying any sense of respect the aforementioned twelve year old boys had ever had for the man given the seriousness of the current situation. Granted, he was also holding the pointy ends of the Kiri ninja's weapons barehanded, his grip tight given that blood was dripping down between his fingers, leaving Hidan and the Kirigakure ninja in a deadlock.

"Sorry I'm late, but I saw my favourite author and I just had to get a signed copy of his new book." Hidan, alive and NOT at all mortally wounded it seemed, grinned from his position blocking the enemy's attack with his bare hands.

Yukio could only stare, too shocked to be angered by Hidan's blatant avoidance of the fact that he should be dead! Or at least fatally wounded. Yukio didn't even know if he had the heart to call his sensei a liar at the moment, even given that that was the _worst _possible thing he could have said at a time like this.

"Sensei…" Nanashi murmured, probably ready to reprimand the man as well before he too gave it up. They could kill Hidan for nearly dying later, Yukio decided.

"By the way you two…" Hidan said seriously. His unwavering gaze was now directed at the enemy ninja as he spoke again. "Good work out there not dying or anything."

And just like that, the moment was ruined. Again.

* * *

"Now _you_," Hidan said, putting as much emphasis on the word 'you' as possible as he turned his full attention to the Mist-Swordsman-Asshole he'd just saved his genin from. "I've got a bone to pick with you." He continued, his eyes narrowing on the enemy shinobi.

As far as he was concerned, Hidan had just run into the John Do of Mist nin, hell he was the John Do of shinobi. Danzo's root ninja had more interesting appearances than this guy did. The teen's only real prominent feature was his teeth and even then, those were normal among the Seven Shinobi Swordsmen. His clothes weren't even interesting, just plain grey and black which to Hidan – given his former love of orange when he'd been Naruto – was unforgiveable. Add onto that that the guy was a personification of just about everything that bugged Hidan most in this world – boring, cowardice cannon fodder and repetitive, unoriginal nitwits. That being said, this Mist-Swordsman-Asshole was in for a world of hurt courtesy of the more violent parts of Hidan's personality that had been gifted to him by the original Jashin-worshipping Hidan of the old timeline.

"Oh really?" The Mist-Swordsman-Asshole replied, looking unconcerned which was another mistake in Hidan's book.

Pumping moderate amounts of Kurama's purified chakra through his system and directly into his arms, Hidan gave a sharp tug on the twin blades he recognised as the kiba resulting as an abrupt pull on the Mist-Swordsman-Asshole who lurched forward towards Hidan's body. Pulling his leg up with blinding speed, Hidan shot a powerful bijuu chakra induced kick directly into the man's stomach whilst simultaneously letting go of the swords in his hands.

Immediately the Mist-Swordsman-Asshole was sent flying backwards with a loud grunt, skidding on his back for several feet across the forest floor.

"Yes." Hidan replied, watching with great interest as the Mist-Swordsman-Asshole managed to get up on shaky feet just a moment later. Granted, he was bracing himself up against a nearby tree, he was still technically standing in Hidan's mind and thus, free game.

"You see, I don't know who the hell you think you are but-"

"You mean you haven't heard of me before?" The Mist-Swordsman-Asshole interrupted the beginning of a well-deserved rant in Hidan's opinion which was like adding just another black mark against the Mist-Swordsman-Asshole's name, whatever that was.

"I am Enichi Zaraki," The Mist-Swordsman-Asshole supplied arrogantly, seeming to expect a reaction from Hidan who merely stared at him with cold purple eyes, unmoving from where he'd stood to defend two of his genin pupils. "I am a member of the Seven Shinobi Swordsmen of the Mist! So now you that know who it is you are dealing with, I'm willing to be merciful and negotiate the terms of your surrender peaceful-"

"Never heard of you." Hidan deadpanned.

Meanwhile his mind was racing as he thought about everything he knew about the Shinobi Swordsman of the Mist, one thing always standing out to him. They didn't brag about themselves and they sure as hell didn't use the word 'mercy' in any context. They accepted accusations made by others, elaborated on an enemy or ally story and made vague references but never did they outright say who they were and what they'd done for something like fear, at least not in a fight anyway. Generally in a fight, they were to busy intending to kill all opponents in range to bother wasting their breath like that so why the fuck was this guy doing everything a Shinobi Swordsman of the Mist wouldn't?

It could mean only one thing. The Mist-Swordsman-Asshole was actually Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole.

"What?!" The Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole exclaimed.

"Doesn't ring a bell." Hidan said in a flat tone while eyeing off the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole for his reaction which was border-lining between shocked and perplexed. This led Hidan to believe that the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole was riding off of someone else's reputation and wasn't going to be too much trouble. Which meant Hidan could get right on back to ranting.

"Now as I was saying before…" Hidan began while reaching up to crack his bloody knuckles rather loudly, taking a slow step forward as he moved. He was one hundred percent sure that this action was one hundred percent intimidating since even his own genin looked nervous, let alone the expression on the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole's pale face. Hidan's expression was set to coldly pissed, his eyes glaring frostily at Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole as he moved closer and closer. Every inch of Hidan's expression promised only pain. "I don't know who the hell you think you are – because I really don't – but you have crossed a line shithead. Not _the _line but a line nonetheless. You see, you come in here and you scare my client, you try to kill Bandana Boy and Red over there and you stab me in the lung… Do you want to know which of those your first mistake was?"

The Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole opened his mouth to reply but Hidan beat him to it and took another step forward.

"None." Hidan said coldly surprising everyone there he was sure. "I'm more liable to kill the brats than you are and I don't really care if you stab me in the chest because frankly, you wouldn't be able to kill me even with a fucking army. No, your first mistake was trying to dupe me with this same boring old fucking routine!" Hidan yelled angrily, his accumulated fury at the fake Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole finally breaking through his ice cold exterior.

"What?" The Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole squeaked rather pathetically from his place leaning against a tree for support. Already the mist was dying away leading Hidan to believe that the stupid fucker was running low on chakra, already! The Hidden Mist Jutsu was draining after a while, true, especially with how thick the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole had had it at the start of the ambush and the larger than necessary area he'd stupidly tried to cover but even then, he should have still had some juice left. Then again, the only personal experience Hidan had in chakra usage and stamina was as a millennia old immortal S-Rank Missing Nin who couldn't give a damn if he lost a limb or two to kill someone and a jinchuriki Sage with obscene chakra reserves to begin with, even at the age of twelve accomplishing feats Kage would be hard pressed to achieve such as the creation of a few thousand clones in one go or the summoning of Gamabunta after a day of using the summoning jutsu near nonstop.

"Yes, you Swordsman fuckers are all the same." Hidan hissed angrily, "I mean, mist jutsu? So what if I can't see? Neither can you. You're impeding yourself as well as your enemy you moronic asshole!" Hidan exclaimed while taking another step forward.

"I've been trained to move in the mist so silently that-"

"I've spent years travelling around the Land of Water you ignorant little fucker." Hidan interrupted the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole as if he were talking to a four year old. "What makes you think you're the only one used to those conditions you stupid asshole? What if I'm better at it than you? What then, huh?"

By this point, Hidan was only a few feet away from the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole and about to kick the little shit's ass. However, it seemed the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole must have scrounged up some courage because the teen suddenly pushed his aching body off the tree he'd been supporting himself on as he got his breath back to stand up and do something incredibly stupid. Again.

"What would I do? I'd do this!" The Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole cried, his hands moving in front of him to flow through a series of hand signs.

"**Water Clone Jutsu! (Mizu Bunshin no Jutsu)**" He yelled and from the remaining mist in the area, several water clones rose up and came into existence.

Hidan sent a punch at the closest clones head, not even watching to see it burst into water but moving onto the next one with the intent to kill each and every one of them until he inevitably found the original.

"Really, water clones?" Hidan asked as he bashed a clone over the head, another copy of the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole still running at him flanked by two others. "You think I suck that much, do you asshole? This is insulting!" The silver haired jonin hissed.

Suddenly, Hidan lurched forward in a burst of blinding speed sending a sharp jab to the first clone's solar plexus before dropping into a crouch almost instantly to avoid another clone's kiba. Reaching up Hidan grabbed the clone's outstretched arm and pulled, using its own body as leverage tossed the clone over his shoulder. Pulling his arm back into a right angle with his elbow sticking up, fingers spread with his hand held just over the clone's head.

From his sleeve a black spear shot out and impaled the clone in the head, reducing it to water meanwhile Hidan was already standing again, his spear once again hidden, and faced down to three remaining clones that had stupidly grouped together as they got closer.

Pulling his hands up, Hidan moved through a string of hand seals at high speeds while muttering the words: "**Fire Style: Fire Dragon Flame Projectile (Katon: Karyuu Endan)**"

Taking a deep breath in, Hidan projected out a large jet of angry red fire from his mouth upon exhaling, destroying all three water clones instantly as they were engulfed in the piping hot flames. Closing his mouth, Hidan ended the jutsu and turned his attention back to the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole who'd been stupid enough to waste what looked to be the last of his chakra on a jutsu that did fuck all.

"What about now, asshole? What do you do now?" Hidan asked, pinning the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole with a glare as hard as steal. "What do you do now?"

**Author's Note:**

**I have to admit, writing Hidan's rants was FUN! I couldn't stop giggling to myself, even if it isn't that funny. Now all I have to do is keep it going :) **

**Till next time!**


	7. Part 1 - Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto... even if I ****_really _****wish I did :(**

PART I  
CHAPTER SIX**  
**_Predictable Plot Twists, Flashbacks and Santa, Oh My!_

Emi stood in front of Sashimi protectively, a kunai in hand as she watched her sensei rant at Enichi Zaraki. Around her sensei was a dark aura of malice as he closed in on the teenager he was yelling at but Emi could honestly say that she didn't feel sorry for him.

The Kirigakure ninja had attacked them first. It was his own fault that he had pissed Hidan off enough to receive what was coming to him: maiming, gouging and/or skewering as Hidan often threatened those who annoyed him. He had once even delivered on that threat in front of them.

It had been traumatising to say the least.

Turning around, away from what would soon become a bloody scene she was assured, Emi quickly took note of Sashimi's wide frightened eyes and her shaking limbs. Glancing over her shoulder, Emi was assured by the presences of both Yukio and Nanashi who guarded her back for any stray attacks or further ambushes.

Crouching down beside the frightened form of Sashimi Shirono, Emi wrapped her arms around the older woman's slim shoulders and began to pat her back reassuringly while whispering in her ear, "Don't worry; everything is going to be alright. You are per-"

Even as Emi spoke, trying to reassure her charge that her life was in good hands, her eyes were drawn to the one-sided battle Hidan now waged on Zaraki, even if Hidan was currently, technically, outnumbered. This was because, closing in on Hidan were… what had he called them, water clones? Anyway, by this point Hidan had obviously foregone any form of taijutsu in favour of destroying all of the remaining clones in one hit.

"**Fire Style: Fire Dragon Flame Projectile (Katon: Karyuu Endan)**" She heard he sensei mutter in the wind before inhaling a large gulp of air and breathing out in return a stream of fire! The blast left his lips and engulfed the clones with an angry hiss, dispelling them into puddles of water instantly upon contact.

"-fectly safe now Miss Sashimi." Emi finished saying, still patting the poor woman's back as she cowered from the fight.

By the time Emi returned her attention back to the conflict, it looked to be about over. Hidan stood alone on the forest track with Zaraki standing several feet away looking exhausted, his breathing laboured though that might have been due to damage done by the powerful kick Hidan had landed in his stomach earlier on. Unlike Zaraki though, Hidan appeared as fresh as he'd started not having broken a sweat which brought another question to mind. How strong was Emi's jonin sensei?

"What about now, asshole? What do you do now?" Hidan asked, though his tone did not taunt. It was an honest to god question and Hidan looked like he wanted an answer. "What do you do now?"

"Die." A new more feminine voice interrupted.

Zaraki's head snapped up at the sound of the voice, just as something flew towards his tired form. And, rather anticlimactically in Emi's opinion, Zaraki suddenly fell on the ground in what looked to be a dead faint. When he didn't move though, even to breathe, Emi realised that he was in fact dead, just as the new voice had specified.

Upon further inspection though, Emi could see two intricate metal senbon sticking from Zaraki's neck. It at least explained why he wasn't breathing though who had thrown them was still up for questioning.

As if summoned by Emi's thoughts, a new form shunshined onto the forest track beside Zaraki's body in a swirl of leaves. Emi quickly stood from Sashimi's side and helped her up before turning her attention back to their newest arrival. Whether she was friend or foe was still up for debate.

As Emi studied the woman, she noted that unlike Zaraki, her appearance was not at all bland. She was an interesting woman to look at with long burgundy hair held up in braids, pale blue eyes and blood red lips. Her features were delicate as was her figure though the burn marks on her neck and left arm marred her otherwise beautiful form and hinted to her otherwise more dangerous lifestyle choices. She wore a simple blue sleeveless dress and shinobi sandals though she lacked a headband Emi noted.

"Sorry about that." The woman spoke up in a deep seductive tenor, her voice smooth and again, feminine despite its deeper pitch. "It was just too good of a chance to pass up." The woman explained while indicating to Zaraki's body with her unscarred right hand.

"It's fine. Who are you though?" Yukio spoke up from beside Emi, looking just as cautious as Emi felt. Nanashi's eyes were narrowed and Hidan was staring at her rather dumbly which led to Emi internally pleading to god that he wouldn't make a scene.

"Eni." The woman said, stating a name so similar to Emi's own that the young girl instantly felt a kinship with her, what with her own scars she had gained from her short life as a civilian and her even shorter life as a shinobi. "I am a bounty hunter and this one is worth a fair bit of doe."

"You… oh you've got to be kidding me!" Hidan suddenly raged, making a move to engage the woman before Yukio and Nanashi both managed to get in the way. The two twelve year olds each gripped one of Hidan's limbs and dug their heals into the ground, attempting fruitlessly to at least slow him down since he probably didn't want to hurt his genin giving Eni a chance to flee. But no, the woman looked puzzled sure but she had yet to leave which prompted Emi to speak and hurry her up. She was well aware that neither Yukio nor Nanashi could hold their sensei for long if he wanted to do anything otherwise.

"Sorry about our sensei. He's a little touchy about this sort of thing." Emi said in a rush, trying to smooth out any problems Hidan's behaviour could bring about. They did not need to fight the scarred bounty hunter after all. "You don't mind do you?"

"No, it's fine. I understand." Eni shrugged though seeming to have sensed Emi's urgency whilst the boys had resorted to threatening Hidan's limbs with kunai in hand, she continued to say, "I'll just leave him-"

"No, no. You take him." Emi interrupted her. "We don't really need him slowing us down." She assured the woman just as Yukio and Nanashi resorted to actually drawing blood while trying to hold their sensei back. Judging by the fact that Hidan's voice had entered the fray of shouted voices, Emi knew she had seconds left before Hidan got tired of playing around, tossed Yukio and Nanashi like flies and got his hands on Eni. From there Emi had no idea what would happen though she was very sure it wouldn't be good.

"But-" Hidan-sensei began to protest loudly but Eni had already grabbed the body of Zaraki, winked at Emi and disappeared in a leaf shunshin just as she had arrived.

Emi let out a sigh of relief which she was surprised to hear Sashimi copy until Hidan finally exploded having finally managed to make the other genin let go without breaking any bones, hopefully.

"Oh come on! Twice. TWICE!" He screamed though why he was screaming that of all things was a mystery to Emi. "How the hell does that happen twice? Does fate hate me? No, it's the universe in general. The universe just hates my guts and decided to laugh it up at my expense…"

"Sensei, are you alright?" Yukio tried to speak over Hidan's ramblings but the man kept on ranting, as if he hadn't even heard Yukio speak which slightly worried Emi. Instead he had begun pacing backward and forwards up and down the forest track he had just fought on – nearly died on – still yelling nonsense making Emi fear for the man's sanity just a little more than usual.

"…the hell are the chances? C-Rank fucking mission my bony fucking ass, Old Man Kamizuki! I HATE escort missions! And that stupid Mist! I mean, a fucking fake swordsman, an apprentice at least if he's that well-informed. How many of those fuckers are there running around? Do they keep posters of me in Kiri and say 'that's Hidan, let's go fuck with him and see how many stupid monologues and lame water jutsus it takes to make him snap?'…"

"Sensei…?" Emi asked in a worried tone as she watched her sensei pace.

When no visible response was received, Emi silently noted that their sensei's usually cheerful expression was twisted in malice and rage unlike anything she'd seen from him before. Sure, Hidan had gotten irritated, chased them around and threatened their lives on a near daily basis but never before had he actually been this pissed off, this murderous she realised.

"… can't even believe how stupid it was. Even made me say Jashin! More than once. This guy must be a new brand of annoying even I haven't encountered yet…"

"HIDAN-SENSEI!" Nanashi of all people screamed as loud as he could, obviously unable to take it anymore. Whatever had just happened had agitated Hidan-sensei beyond anything they had seen since meeting the man.

"Oh, did you say something?" Hidan-sensei asked having stopped pacing to look at them all with a confused smile on his face, once again unnerving Emi with his ability to shift moods so suddenly and so violently. His eyes were shut tightly and his head was tilted slightly to the right allowing a few stray strands of his silver hair to escape their confinement and dangle freely down his shoulders, framing his youthful face slightly.

"What the hell was that?" Yukio asked, his expression showing his open bewilderment. Emi internally felt the same and freely expressed it.

"What?" Hidan-sensei asked, his expression still the epitome of confused innocence. It really didn't suit him Emi decided, not after having seen the man so worked up. Hidan was just naturally homicidal and all of his attempts to hide it, to put them all at ease, were all for naught. Emi could see that now. While she wasn't a killer yet, Hidan-sensei was and not just any killer either, Hidan was like a natural embodiment of violence in general. Everything he did was extreme, deadly. He couldn't have been normal even if he tried.

"You were talking to yourself and in the fight, when you cornered that guy you were…" Emi began in worried tones before trailing off and trying again. "Why were you so angry afterwards? I can understand in the fight and all but it doesn't really matter if the bounty hunter got there first. The Kirigakure ninja is dead either way." Emi reasoned.

"He's not dead." Hidan replied, as if it made perfect sense.

"What?" Sashimi asked, finally finding the nerve to speak up.

"He's not dead." Hidan repeated.

"You mean-"

Yukio tried to speak but was interrupted by an irritated Hidan.

"Yes, he is not dead. He is alive!" The silver haired nin growled, "For fuck's sake, how many times do I have to say it?"

"How do you know he's not dead?" Emi asked gently, trying to calm her sensei lest he return to that state of apocalyptic rage that he'd been in just moments before.

"Because, this has actually happened to me before." Hidan explained with a scowl on his face. "Exactly the same almost down to stupid fucking jutsu that pain in the ass fake swordsman used."

"Yeah, you seemed pretty upset about him. Who was he?" Sashimi asked.

"One of the Seven Shinobi Swordsman of the Mist." Nanashi supplied for her, seeming a little shaken by that fact. Emi empathised, she felt the same. They were lucky to have gotten out with their lives.

"I've read about them," Emi agreed, nodding.

"You've met one before." Nanashi noted, turning all attention back to Hidan who now stood stock still with his folded over his nearly bare chest, his bloody cloak having fallen open when it had been damaged earlier. Emi reminded herself to ask her sensei how he had survived, what kind of technique he had used.

"Three actually…" Hidan stated casually, having calmed down a bit though his response did elicit a fair bit of surprise and some understanding. If Hidan had past dealings with the group then his reactions to a member of it made a little more sense then. However, what really shocked Emi was that her sensei went on to say: "Wait, no, technically I've met five of them and they were all the bloody same. That's why I know that that guy was no Swordsman of the Mist."

"What? But he said he was." Yukio protested only to be ignored by Hidan who had already started in on a new rant having gotten refired up at the reminder of the source of his apparent anger.

"Of course he did, that's how we know he isn't one." Hidan spat.

"Huh?"

"Listen, no self-respecting shinobi will run around bragging in the middle of a fight unless they're using their name as a fear tactic. Only idiots do anything otherwise." Hidan explained. "However, the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist are different again. You see, they all may have that same stupid speech and the same low grade boring water jutsu but they are still swordsman – the most samurai shinobi you'll ever meet outside of the Land of Iron. They use fear yes but not to end a fight. The Shinobi Swordsman, and Mist ninja in general I guess, they just kill you to end a fight. They don't dance around it. This guy was bluffing."

"You're sure about that? It sounds awfully complicated." Sashimi frowned, looking worried, scared and confused, a complete turnabout from the confident icy woman she had been not an hour before.

"Of course I'm sure, that pussy asshole was weak as." Hidan replied nonchalantly with a wave of his hand. "To be a Swordsman of the Mist you have to be at least A-Rank. That loser was B-Rank at best."

"B-Rank?!" Emi stuttered. That Zaraki-guy or whoever was only a B-Rank shinobi? _At best?! _They'd almost _died_ against someone like that! Emi was horrified and already, her mind was conjuring up terrible scenarios: like would happen if they ran into an S-Rank shinobi or the _real_ Enichi Zaraki?

"Okay, we've established that the guy wasn't who we thought he was. That doesn't explain how he is alive." Yukio interrupted Emi's panicked thoughts.

"Oh, that's easy. Senbon needles," Hidan shrugged, as if that statement alone made all of the sense in the world. It only confused Emi more.

"What?"

"That 'bounty hunter' wasn't a bounty hunter. She was an accomplice. She hit the pressure points in his neck to put the asshole into a near-death state, replicating his actual death when really; the guy should be up and running in about a week." Hidan explained again sounding way too nonchalant for the situation warrant. "They'll be back to so that gives us about a week of training on-the-go. Any questions? No? Good."

"Now, onto more important matters like why the fuck B-Rank losers are attacking Sashimi. That isn't supposed to happen on a C-Rank mission. That's why they're C-Ranks, not A-Ranks." Hidan said, turning all attention from the actual problem at hand to the reason for the problem, i.e. a very nervous looking Sashimi Shirono.

* * *

It had been a good idea at the time but now, Sashimi was regretting ever setting foot outside of the Land of Hot Water. At first it had been simple – use any and all of her meagre remaining funds to hire protection and get the hell out of the country. It was completely logical given her situation. What she hadn't banked on was how expensive it actually was to hire decent shinobi.

Sashimi had toyed with the idea of hiring missing nin after realising that the best she could afford from Yugakure was a C-Rank escort mission with either a few chunin or some genin and a jonin but given the likelihood of being betrayed or having to pay more again, Sashimi had decided to cut her losses. So she travelled to Yugakure and hired a genin team.

And here she was not even a day later facing an inquisition after having been ambushed by more rogue shinobi.

"Miss Sashimi?" Emi asked, breaking Sashimi from her train of thought to look down at the nervous twelve year old. Remembering the question the sensei, Hidan, had just posed, Sashimi tried to settle her nerves, look young Emi straight in the eye and lie as convincingly as she could at this present moment.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about…"

This is to say she wasn't very convincing at all. Already Sashimi could see the raised eyebrows sent to her by Nanashi – who in their right mind names a child no name anyway? – and the disbelieving expressions upon both little Yukio and Emi's faces. There was a gleam in the sensei's violet eyes as he practically jumped on Sashimi's fumble and retaliated in kind to the obvious lie.

"You're kidding, right?" The man asked seeming more offended than angry. "That's the best you can manage while trying to lie to a twelve year old? I've seen better lies from parents about the existence of Santa Clause!" Hidan yelled causing confusion to stir amongst the group.

"Who?" Yukio asked, voicing the question that had interrupted any apparent feelings of betrayal and worry the teens and their client felt.

"No one." Hidan said too quickly, seeming to clam up which Sashimi noted the genin had all noticed as well. The sudden glances sent between the three during the awkward silence that followed the sensei's too-quick answer were telling to Sashimi since it was obvious in the short time she'd known him that Hidan was not nervous often, if at all.

"Well?" Nanashi asked, having finally turned back to Sashimi and brought the conversation back to the topic at hand. Sashimi inwardly glared at the boy for calling attention back to her having enjoyed the distraction Hidan had provided to avoid admitting to her true intentions.

"Wait! Let me guess…" Hidan suddenly broke in, taking a few steps closer to Sashimi until the woman was face to chest with the tall man, suddenly reminded that Hidan's cloak had been partially destroyed in the battle leaving the man just about half naked. Hidan leaned forward until all Sashimi could see were odd violet eyes that seemed to pierce straight into her very soul. "Your real name isn't Sashimi because you are secretly a princess on the run from a tyrannical family member who wants you to hand over your kingdom and wealth." Hidan said very seriously, so much so that Sashimi was unsure whether to laugh at the ridiculous suggestion or cry given this man was probably the only thing that possibly stood between her and certain death. "Am I right?"

"No." Sashimi deadpanned having decided to remain as stoic as possible under the jonin's gaze. Upon hearing her rather abrupt answer, Hidan seemed to deflate and in doing so took a step back out of Sashimi's personal space to fold his arms and look almost… dare she say it, thoughtful.

"Oh, I thought it'd all be a basic repeat of all the fucked up situations I've found myself in over the years…" He muttered aloud, not even bothering to hide it since Sashimi and she assumed the genin heard the man perfectly clear. However, Hidan's muttered words only served to confuse her more, especially when he looked up at her and again, rather seriously and sincerely asked her, "You aren't an emo running away to a gay paedophile for some half-baked chance at someday taking revenge on your brother for the deaths of your family, are you?"

"What?" Sashimi spluttered, wide eyed and even more confused than when they'd started.

"Okay, just checking." Hidan nodded easily before seemingly drifting off into thought. It was up to the genin to speak up and once again return the conversation to a more familiar topic, i.e. Sashimi's problems.

"Right, Sashimi, could you please tell us now why those ninja are after you?" Emi asked.

Sashimi stared down at the bright young genin and with a sigh, nodded her head in acceptance. It was time to come clean, before Hidan started spouting off about something else. "It all started a long time ago with the beginning of a feud…"

"Oh hell, flashbacks. Just what I need right now." Hidan muttered, interrupting Sashimi's train of thought.

"Hidan-sensei, what are you talking about?" Yukio suddenly cut in, looking confused as well.

"Hn." Sashimi liked to think that Nanashi had grunted in agreement…

"Well, she's recounting a horrible, potentially sad and most likely pitiful story from her past so naturally there's going to be an inevitable flashback involved with snot, tears and general unattractiveness… it's almost as dumb as the Hidden Mist Jutsu… almost." Hidan explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Ignore him Sashimi or we'll never get anywhere. Please, continue." Emi said kindly, once again bringing Sashimi's mind back from whatever it was that Hidan had spouted off this time. He hadn't been this… scatter-brained earlier which led Sashimi to believe that it was his way of handling stress or something. It seemed rather out of character for him to be interrupting her when he was the one who'd asked her about her past and the real reasons for this mission in the first place.

"Anyway, it all started with a feud between the Shirono and Herashi clans." Sashimi stated, trying hard not to let her voice waver on the second name.

"Clans?" Nanashi asked, eyeing her oddly. Understanding where the boy was coming from, Sashimi quickly corrected the genin's assumptions.

"Yes, we were clans but not of shinobi. We were simply large noble families that rival each other in most of the various industry we participate in. A few generations ago, someone got it into their head that if the competition were wiped out, the remaining clan would get better business and more wealth. I do not know which clan started it all but by the time my grandfather was born; our two clans were in just about all out war." Sashimi told them.

"A few months ago, rogue shinobi broke into the Shirono compound and slaughtered everyone in sight." The Shirono heiress said with a heavy weight in her stomach, her vision threatening to cloud with tears as she remembered that day, "I'd fallen asleep in the garden since I'd been reading out there in the late evening… By morning, my family was dead and I knew that once my survival became apparent, the Herashi would come for me."

"So you fled." Yukio said sadly, his eyes seeming older to Sashimi as she spoke.

"Yes," Sashimi agreed, "I took as many belongings as I could carry and ran as fast as I could. I managed to make my way to your Hidden Village and decided to use the last of my funds to buy protection for a journey out of the country to the Land of Wind where I can get diplomatic immunity given the Shirono Clans supply them with a lot of food and basic supplies during hard times. However, I didn't have enough money for what I needed. I took a chance and because of that, I've put you in danger. I am sorry for that." Sashimi apologised, feeling the weight of her tale as she'd spoken.

She felt horrible all in all having endangered these kind – sort of – if not odd people for things that they had nothing to do with. However, Sashimi was desperate and she needed help. She was about to open her mouth again, to plead her case and beg for assistance, even if she didn't deserve it, when Hidan finally spoke up again.

"Alright, well, now that that's done…" The silver haired jonin said, "Let's go home."

"What!" Sashimi exclaimed.

She could feel her heart sinking, her eyes beginning to water as despair gripped at her in its icy clutches. They were leaving her, she would be left to face the dangers the Herashi Clan would no doubt send upon her, alone, without any real chance of survival. As soon as the horror of the situation sunk in completely, Sashimi was left feeling panicked and slightly depressed.

She may have put up a bit of a front in the beginning but she'd really had hope when she'd left the Village Hidden in Hot Water. That hope was rapidly dying with every word that left the jonin-sensei's mouth.

"You heard me." Hidan said uncaringly to her having already turned around and begun to walk away down the forest path. "Let's get the fuck out of here and scram." He called over his shoulder.

"Hidan-sensei," Emi spoke up, ever the compassionate little girl who'd tried to protect Sashimi against an enemy far beyond her capabilities of defeating, "are you saying that we should just abandon her, just leave her here and-"

"It's simple Girly, I meant what I said." Hidan interrupted her without a care with a glance over his shoulder. His expression was hard, serious and once again, any hope Sashimi may have had as Emi tried to defend her was crushed mercilessly by the purple eyed man. The same one that had forced their opponents to flee, even if it was also sort of a trick. "Fuck the bitch. We leave now. Period. End of story." He continued, punctuating his words with movement as he turned around and began to walk away again with his hands resting at the back of his neck to clutch at the long silver hair there, giving him a leisurely vibe as he left Sashimi to her doom.

"Hidan-sensei!" Emi reprimanded, obviously embarrassed that her sensei had used such language in front of Sashimi while simultaneously suggesting that they ditch her.

Truthfully, Sashimi hadn't cared for the foul words – having spent more than an hour in Hidan's direct company, Sashimi had already accepted that the man didn't care what anyone thought of him – instead all she could concentrate on was what the hell she was going to do without these shinobi to help her.

"No!" A young voice screamed, making Hidan pause to once again look over his shoulder at them while Sashimi turned to the source of the yell. "I am not going back. I'm going to protect Sashimi, even if it costs me my life!" Yukio exclaimed passionately.

Sashimi felt her eyes widen at the boy's declaration. Had he just…?

"Me too." Emi declared, taking a step forward in front of Sashimi, as if trying to protect her from the probable insults and barbed words Hidan was likely to retaliate with.

"Hn."

Sashimi waited with bated breath to see what Hidan's reaction to such blatant insubordination would be, her heart souring as she gazed down at the three children – had Nanashi agreed? Grunting all sounded the same – willing to risk their lives for her.

Hidan turned around and gazed levelly at them all before taking a deep breath in and letting it out in the form of a tired sigh. "It seems I've been outvoted…"

Upon receiving four questioning look given how easily the man had given in, he merely shrugged and said, "I could drag all three of you back to the village kicking and screaming, but I could also very easily be noticed travelling with you more than usual by the locals which would in turn ruin my reputation…"

"Don't you mean people could think you were kidnapping us to, I don't know, rape us or something…?" Yukio asked making Sashimi smile at the boy's tenacity. If Hidan meant what she thought he meant…

"Is this in anyway related to real life?" Emi spoke up, looking annoyed that Hidan had once again steered the conversation away from what really mattered.

"Well, no." Hidan answered, "It would only be related to real life if I said something philosophical like 'those who don't follow the rules are trash but those abandon their comrades are worse than trash'."

Sashimi smiled a little at the man's rebuttal before Hidan grinned and said, "Oh, and by the way, just remember that 'those who don't follow the rules are trash but those abandon their comrades are worse than trash' and you should be fine."

The three kids looked to be about to throw something at the silver haired jonin when Sashimi decided she couldn't wait any longer, not when she suspected what she did.

"So you'll help me?" Sashimi interrupted them hopefully.

"Sure, I've got a bone to pick with this Mist-Ninja-Asshole and his Mist-Swordsman-Bitch." Hidan said casually, shrugging as if it were normal to hold such grudges against powerful shinobi he had barely met. Then again, Sashimi wasn't completely familiar with some shinobi habits – maybe it was normal to just hate your enemies, or at least be highly annoyed at them and subsequently dislike them to a great extent like Hidan was.

However, as soon as the confirmation left the man's lips, Sashimi brushed past the genin that had surrounded her protectively while awaiting Hidan's initial response to cross the distance between them. Once she was close enough, Sashimi flung her arms around the tall jonin and clutched to him tightly.

"Thankyou." She whispered with tears in her eyes before pulling back. Standing up on her tiptoes, Sashimi inclined her neck and pressed a soft kiss to the man's cheek in her excitement and relief. However, upon realising that she had just pecked the purple eyed shinobi on the cheek, Sashimi broke all physical contact as fast as possible by taking a swift step back. Sashimi could feel her face flushing a flaming crimson.

Hidan appeared somewhat amused by her response, making Sashimi flee down the forest path towards the Land of Wind. How was she supposed to look the man now, let alone the kids who had witnessed the kiss?

* * *

"And that kids is how you get the attentions of a female. Remember this lesson; it will serve you well in life." Hidan-sensei said.

Nanashi stared wide eyed at his grinning sensei, unable to tear his gaze away. Not even to track Sashimi's rapid progress down the track. No, instead, Nanashi was trying to come to terms with a startling and somewhat annoying epiphany he'd just had.

"You… you didn't really mean any of that, did you?" Nanashi asked, feeling anger rise now that the information was sinking in for him. "All of the random interruptions that didn't make sense just then and you wanting us to abandon the mission and go home… You were just messing with us! At a time like this, you thought now was a good time for another one of those screwed up tests of yours?!" Nanashi demanded of his sensei, his anger boiling in his veins; hotter and hotter as Hidan-sensei just grinned at him like a fool, enjoying the whole thing.

Nanashi was too angry to even notice Emi or Yukio's reactions though they were probably similar to his, too busy glaring daggers at his sensei that couldn't seem to stay serious no matter what the stakes were. Even when he was pissed about the missing Kirigakure ninja and fighting him to what appeared to be the death, Hidan had been making jokes and ranting, too carefree for the situation to warrant.

"Can't say I have any idea what the hell you're talking about Red." Hidan-sensei said with an expression of very fake innocence on his face. "Now let's move on, the civilian is moving faster than you are." He grumbled before turning and walking away to follow Sashimi at a lazy pace, negating what he'd just said about moving at a decent speed and keeping up with their civilian client.

"Sometimes, I think I hate that man." Yukio said from Nanashi's side, his gaze firmly fixed on Hidan's departing back, Emi trailing along behind him, already reprimanding him like a child for losing control of his emotions earlier on and later not taking the situation seriously enough.

"Sometimes, I don't think I hate him, I _know_ I do." Nanashi replied before he too set out. It wouldn't do to be left behind.

**Author's Note: **

**Thanks for all of the support guys! Your ideas and suggestions are welcome and appreciated too :) I'd also like to take the time to explain a few things to you:**

**1) I deliberately copied the basic plot of the Wave Arc as a bit of a joke – the idea came to me for Hidan to have something against the Swordsman of the Mist given how many of them have given Naruto trouble in the canon. I also thought it would be cool to give Hidan a random hatred of the Hidden Mist Jutsu – maybe do something with Zabuza or Kisame later :)**

**2) I'd like to forewarn you all that I am not strictly following the timeline and there may be a bit of OOC-ness later on, either because it works for the plot or I just felt like it. So please don't harp at me in the future complaining that this didn't fit this and that was something da-da-da would never do. It's an AU and a Fanfic; I'm allowed to play around with it if I want to.**

**3) I also deliberately made Team Hidan (secretly Team Kickass) similar to Team 7 since I've noticed it's a running theme in Naruto canon (Team 7, Team Minato, even Team Gai has elements of the team make up with a dead last, a 'genius', a female mediator character to balance the two out a bit and a bat-shit crazy sensei). I'll try not to rehash too much though I think I might make something's the same deliberately to mess with Hidan's head, sort of like with the C-Rank (I don't know why but I just so ****_love_**** writing Hidan's rants! SO MUCH FUN Tee-hee.) **

**So to finish up, I'd like to give thanks to my reviewers (I'll try to update as regularly as possible), my readers in general (Love you all!) and auto-spelling and grammar checking everywhere (You are a lifesaver, a Hero to all!).**

**Thanks for listening to me go on and on and I'll see ya next time!**


	8. Part 1 - Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto (Wish I did though)**

**This is Version 2 with a little more fighting for Emi, Nanashi and Yukio as well as a tweaked battle between Enichi Zaraki and NaruHidan :) Yay! **

PART I  
CHAPTER SEVEN**  
**_Attack Of The Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole… Again_

Walking through the desert was probably the least favourite thing on Hidan's to do list at the moment. While it hadn't bothered him so much in his last life as Naruto since he'd had visiting Gaara and the Sand Siblings to look forward to, now that they hadn't even been born all Hidan had to look forward to was sand, heat and a lack of water and shade to counteract the first two. And just like with everything else, he decided that he should make his general unhappiness over his current location known to anyone within hearing distance just to take away the edge or at least make them as miserable as he was right now.

"I fucking hate the desert! How the hell do people _live_ here? There's so much sand and sun and bloody hell I think I'm gonna die!" Hidan complained loudly – and no, he was not whining, just voicing his opinion in a rather negative tone of voice.

"Yeah, about that Hidan-sensei." Emi said, probably referring to his 'I'm gonna die' comment given the tentative tone the young girl was using. "Back when that missing ninja attacked us, you were stabbed… um, well, I guess what I'm trying to ask you is-"

"How the hell are you alive?!" Yukio interrupted her, earning a curious glance from Sashimi and an annoyed one from Hidan. "Did you use some sort of super cool resurrection jutsu or were you a clone the whole time? Ooh or maybe you used some awesome regeneration jutsu that allowed you to heal super-fast after you took a fatal blow! Huh, well, how'd you do it?" The young genin continued to jammer on excitedly, reminding Hidan so much of himself at that age (as Naruto of course) and maybe even Konohamaru in that moment.

"Hn."

Hidan glanced at his students with calculating eyes. They'd been trying to bring this up for two days now ever since the initial ambush by the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole and his subsequent get away via faking his death with senbon needles.

Truthfully, Hidan did not know how to even approach explaining to the brats that he was immortal. Where did he begin? Did he tell them he just couldn't die or elaborate a bit and give up his real age or something to help it sink in a bit? Then again, if he told them he was older than ninjutsu, they'd probably start expecting him to start acting like it and if anything, Hidan did not want to have to live up to anyone's expectations.

So, still not knowing how to breach the subject or even explain it to them without stabbing himself as proof or something (which would hurt like a bitch), Hidan decided to take the easy route out.

He ignored them.

"It's gonna take me months to get all of this sand out of everything! It always does. I'll be finding it in my underwear and my house and my fucking food for weeks! Dammit, I am never coming here again." Hidan grumbled loudly, not even bothering to look at his curious students and client as he trudged on through the seemingly endless sand. Glaring blindly into the distance as he walked, Hidan quickly noticed that his students and their client had stealthily – but not stealthy enough – formed a sort of semi-huddle as they followed along and began to talk quietly behind his back, thinking that he couldn't hear them probably.

"Is he ignoring us?" Yukio asked the others, much to Hidan's silent amusement.

"Obviously…" Nanashi muttered back. Unlike Hidan, the boy didn't appear as amused by Yukio's obtuse question.

"I wonder what he's not telling us…" Emi whispered her thoughts aloud having likely ignored the other two.

"I don't see what there is to hide. Shouldn't he tell you so you can learn from it or something?" Sashimi suggested in hushed tones.

"I think it was my regeneration jutsu idea." Yukio replied a lot louder, ignoring Nanashi's cold tone and the apparent need for silence. "That's why he didn't say anything; he knew I was onto him."

"Believe what you want." Nanashi replied uncaringly.

"And they don't even have a beach!" Hidan continued to rant, finding a hidden amusement in the startled reactions his sudden shouted outburst elicited. "Why the hell would you put up with all of the sand that gets _everywhere_ if you didn't even have an ocean to look forward to? I swear, even the food is dry here and that is just criminal. They don't even sell ramen for fuck's sake!"

"Hidan, is there anything you do like?" Sashimi suddenly asked, seeming genuinely curious though there was a hint of sarcasm in her tone.

Hidan paused in the trek across the endless waves of sand to turn and eye the woman for a moment. He managed to put on a calculating expression and continued to eye her and the three twelve year olds surrounding her, the anticipation building until finally he responded with a simple "No."

"Oh." Sashimi muttered, her lips twitching in amusement.

"I feel unloved." Emi muttered from her position a left of Sashimi before she started walking again, passing Hidan as she, and the two boys following her, sulked.

From the confines of Hidan's mind, he could hear that the Kyuubi had once again found something to laugh about. "Nice one!" Kurama roared with its laughter echoing in Hidan's mind. It seemed the bijuu was, as always, enjoying the show.

**LINEBREAK**

They'd been travelling through one of the many deserts located in the Land of Wind for hours now and already, Yukio had heard just about every possible complaint ever to be conceived in relation to either sand, the sun and the desert in general or a combination of the three. Listening to Hidan for the last few hours grumbling only seemed to make his own discomforts even more prominent in his mind and it was driving him crazy. Yukio wasn't sure how the others were fairing but ironically enough, the only one not covered in sweat or panting for breath was Hidan himself.

Yukio theorised that he was too busy complaining to be tired, hungry or thirsty. Coming up with negative arguments and then ranting about them probably took precedence over the physical needs and reactions of his body.

For the last twenty minutes, Emi, Nanashi, Sashimi and Yukio had each been asking the silver haired jonin questions in an attempt to stave of the worst of his ranting. They were approaching what looked to be a strange stone formation in the distance with Yukio still raking his brain for ideas when one suddenly came to him. Surprisingly enough, it was not a trivial question as the others had been but a serious concern that he had just realised should have been addressed long ago.

"… can't it just pick a temperature and stick with it. Either it could be cold all day and night or hot; hell, maybe the desert could do us all a fucking favour and stay a neutral moderate temperature where we're all comfortable. But no-o! The stupid freaking desert just can't make up its fucking mind so it tries to confuse us all so we're just as lost as it is. I swear to Ja-"

"Hey sensei," Yukio interrupted his sensei's tirade, "are you gonna teach us anything so we can fight against the Kirigakure ninja or not?" he asked.

"Not." The man replied, eliciting a variety of confused and shocked responses from his travelling victims… companions which all seemed to end in exactly the same manner.

"What?!" Several voices exclaimed in near perfect unison.

"Yeah," Hidan replied casually, ignoring the response to his answer with apparent ease, "I decided that anything I could teach in the next few days or minutes until the enemy shows up wouldn't do much of anything to actually help you against those ass-hats. At best I'd be giving you a false sense of security or something which you don't need."

"They don't need to feel safe? Are you serious?" Sashimi asked, just as flabbergasted by the man's logic as Yukio felt. His sensei couldn't really mean that… right?

"No, I'm Hidan and if they feel safe, they're more likely to be careless and overconfident which inevitably leads to death. Better scared shitless and cautious I say." The obviously unbalanced man replied.

Yukio had always thought his sensei was a crazy, homicidal asshole but even this was pushing it. It was like the man actually believed his twisted logic was normal and everyone else thought the exact same way as he did. He could tell by how calm Hidan was about the subject and truthfully, Yukio didn't know if he should be horrified or accepting of it all since a part of him had half expected it. He decided to just be surprised and work from there.

"Hidan-sensei, how did you become a teacher?" Emi asked a little hesitantly, as if fearing the answer. Truth be told, Yukio was afraid too and for good reason given his sensei's reply was: "I got talked into it. I don't know whether I regret it or not yet though. Oh well, the way I see it; if you live, that's cool and if you don't, I won't have to worry about it. So, it doesn't really matter too much in the end anyway."

"I'm not feeling very secure…" Yukio muttered, feeling a little sick given that his sensei was against preparing him for an upcoming battle that he could die in. Granted, his logic did make a little sense, it wasn't comforting or helpful to Yukio at all.

"Good." His sensei replied, "Don't worry though; I have some great ideas for some new training games for when we get home… if you get home…" Hidan added, almost like an afterthought.

To Yukio, there were so many things wrong with that sentence, it wasn't funny. Just the words 'training,' 'games' and 'new' in the same sentence were bad enough, let alone his use of 'if' when referring to whether they'd live to suffer through puberty or not.

"Yeah, we're all going to die." Nanashi deadpanned from beside Yukio who agreed whole heartedly. He may sort of both like and hate Hidan in a weird way but even he wasn't feeling very confident in the purple eyed man's sanity.

"Yes, sadly you will." A feminine voice wafted towards them. Yukio's head automatically snapped up at the sound, his eyes widening when he realised exactly who it was who had just spoken. Standing several feet away on a large stone protruding from the waves of sand was the fake bounty hunter, Eni or rather, the real member of the Seven Swordsman of the Mist: Enichi Zaraki.

Wrapped around her head was a Kirigakure headband and in her hands were the two weapons the other fake shinobi had attacked with earlier, the twin swords crackling threateningly with electricity as the woman gazed coldly down at them from her perch on the stone platform. Behind her was the fake Kirigakure ninja looking just as plain and average as before though he seemed more worn and tired than before too if the dark circles under his eyes were anything to go by.

Yukio briefly wondered for a moment if he was even fit to be standing, let alone about to fight.

"Oh, there you are! What the hell took you?" Hidan called out sounding almost giddy as he spoke with an almost twisted smile on his usually more sane face, "I've been looking forward to killing you nonstop for the last two days bitch."

"You seem rather eager to die, shinobi. How odd." Enichi Zaraki said arrogantly, sounding almost amused by their sensei's behaviour though Yukio wasn't. While Hidan was without a doubt the scariest, most insane shinobi Yukio had ever met, it did not automatically mean that he couldn't lose and die. Enichi Zaraki was a member of the Seven Shinobi Swordsman after all, she shouldn't be underestimated.

"If you hand over Sashimi Shirono, you may leave in peace. Our fight is not with you." The male fake Kirigakure ninja finally spoke up though if he thought that they'd take such a deal, Yukio knew they'd have another thing coming. Hidan was already cracking his knuckles looking way too pleased and almost as crazy as he had during their genin test when he did it. Yukio didn't think the jonin was giving up when he looked like that.

"Yeah, well you see, my fight _is_ with you." Hidan smiled, suddenly seeming almost pleasant as he offered them a closed eye smile, his head tilted slightly making him look so gosh darn _nice_… "I don't like you or your moody bitch of a master and I want you gone off the face of the earth."

Once again, Yukio was silently in awe at his sensei's ability to go from looking totally psychopathic to a pleasant as… well… _that_. In that moment, Yukio decided that if they all lived through this, he was going to make Hidan teach him how to do that too since it was such a good intimidation technique – Yukio could see the fake Kirigakure ninja shiver at Hidan's expression only cementing his belief and determination in learning how to freak the hell out of people like that.

"Very well, shinobi, we will fight to the death." Enichi Zaraki finally said. Yukio glanced over to see that Nanashi had furrowed his brow slightly at this, Sashimi was wide eyed and shaking and Emi was worrying at her lip nervously. "Maou, kill the spares." Enichi Zaraki ordered.

"Wait, Maou…" Hidan interrupted, looking disbelieving as he stared at the fake Kirigakure ninja as if he'd grown a second head. "His name is 'Satan'… How the fuck does that make any sense?!" Hidan exclaimed and silently, Yukio agreed with him.

"What? My name suits me fine!" Maou yelled with his cheeks reddening as he grew angry at the remark. Deciding to put his two cents in; Yukio started to nod with a solemn expression on his face while trying not to either laugh at the humour of the situation or cry at his possible impending death. He decided on laughter.

"No, I'm with Hidan-sensei on this one. Your name makes no sense when it's referring to you. If anything, you should be called Nanashi, not the teme." Yukio said while pointing to the redhead beside him with his thumb.

"Shut up, Sano." Nanashi growled.

"Enough talk, more killing." Enichi Zaraki hissed before turning to her accomplice. "Go Maou!"

"Of course master!" Maou said, looking almost gleeful now at the chance for revenge. Drawing his weapons, Yukio took a step back closer to Sashimi before muttering an assurance to her that she'd stay safe, that they'd protect her with their lives.

Even if he died trying, Yukio wasn't about to lose. This guy was going down.

**LINEBREAK**

"So, I guess you're Enichi Zaraki." Hidan said after a few moments of silence while the brats and the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole who was so unsuitably named Maou started to move away towards the open desert for their own clash.

"Yes, I am though I do not know you. What is your name? I'd like to know who I am about to cut to ribbons." The Kiri Bitch replied arrogantly, grating on Hidan's nerves even more than she already was… somehow. At least Kisame had earned his arrogance by being a badass and Zabuza had had a little more in the intimidation department to be spouting this sort of shit. Raiga though had been out of his mind just a little too much and less of a threat without Ranmaru putting this Zaraki bitch firmly in the 'Greatest-Let-Down-Of-The-Year-From-Mist' category given how much she'd built herself up as a scary shinobi.

"I'm Hidan. Take your best shot you stupid Mist-Swordsman… er, Woman-Bitch." The silver haired jonin grinned at the woman, looking forward to systematically tearing her down just to see the look on her face when he was done.

"Very creative insult… It will be your last." The Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch uttered sarcastically.

"Are you going to keep on making death threats or actually get up off you fat ass and try to kill me already?" Hidan asked, glaring at the woman who'd done nothing but waste his time so far.

"So be it."

Hidan could feel a vicious grin threatening to break out upon his face now as the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch finally struck out. Shooting forward like a bat out of hell, she swung her right blade down towards Hidan in a smooth arch towards his head. Knowing that he had but a second to respond to the attack, Hidan raised his right hand and, while channelling Kurama's purified chakra through his system in a rip off of Tsunade and Sakura's strength techniques, Hidan caught the sword by the blade, stopping it just over his face to enjoy the wide eyed look he received in return.

Crimson blood dripped from his hand as he clutched the blade between his fingers without a second thought for the second time in two days. Using his free hand and ignoring the dull pain in the other, Hidan concentrated hard and whispered "Unseal" under his breath before the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch could use her second kiba to attack. Quickly reaching out to the side and clenching his hand, Hidan envisioned a handle between his fingers so when a cloud of smoke engulfed his hand, Hidan knew it was time to strike.

Continuing to pump small amounts of Kurama's purified chakra internally through his system; Hidan swung the weapon he'd just summoned towards the other shinobi with blinding speed. The Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch's eyes comically widened as a black and red blur soared towards her unguarded throat. However, before Hidan could tear her throat out with his scythe, the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch managed to rip her sword from Hidan's grip and jump back out of range of his attack.

"Die bitch." Hidan growled as he dashed forward, swinging his triple-bladed scythe with deadly precision towards the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch's soft neck only to be pushed back when the Kirigakure kunoichi held both of her kiba up in front of her chest in an x formation, only just managing to block Hidan with a grunt.

Ignoring the initial failure with a shrug, Hidan struck again and again, moving faster and faster until the annoying kunoichi could barely keep up with Hidan's superior speed and flexibility, enjoying the way the woman began to panic.

Sweeping forward, ready to brutally wound and kill the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch as his blade came closer and closer to her head; Hidan was unprepared for the kunoichi's last ditch effort for survival. The Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch dived to the side desperately and instead of impaling her cranium as he'd intended, Hidan instead lodged the lower blade of his scythe firmly into the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch's left breast just under her collar bone, just missing her heart though puncturing a lung if the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch's laboured wheezing was anything to go by. Pulling the scythe out of the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch, Hidan prepared to strike again as dark blood dripped from the kunoichi's wound and soaked into her shirt when she jumped backwards out of his reach with a hiss of pain as she did it.

"Is that the best you can do?" She bluffed mockingly in between wheezing pants.

Hidan stared at the woman a moment before finally deciding that, fuck it, he was going to flatten this stupid bitch like a pancake, take Sashimi to wherever she was meant to go and go the hell home already. He'd just about had it with this rip-off of a mission and was no longer amused, not one. Little. Bit.

However, when the woman actually tried to reposition her grip on one of her swords and dig around her clothes a moment before unveiling a small tag with an intricate seal inside, Hidan wasn't sure if she was going to try what he thought she was. Slamming the tag down on the ground, the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch gasped out "Unseal" and watched as turrets of clear water began to well from the small tag.

Gripping the handle of his scythe just a little too tightly, Hidan repressed the urge to groan when the kunoichi exclaimed "**Ninja Art: Hidden Mist Jutsu! (Kirigakure no Jutsu)**" As thick mist began sprouting up out of the water and rolling across the sand in an unnatural way, it was then that Hidan decided that as far as he was concerned, any and all forms of playtime were officially over.

**LINEBREAK**

Nanashi glared at the Kirigakure shinobi, the one Enichi Zaraki had called Maou. The average looking man had already armed himself with kunai and was drawing closer to them looking a little too confident given his current situation, maybe underestimating them because they were genin.

"Sensei said it would take up to a week for you to heal properly." Emi pointed out from beside Nanashi. All three stood protectively in front of Sashimi who'd already cooed at them about how brave they were and to stay safe and all of that hogwash. "But it's only been two days since you faked your death-"

"-like a pussy-" Yukio interrupted Emi's speech with a smug grin on his face, probably finding it all just as ironic as Nanashi and Emi did.

"-so that means you're not in top condition. What makes you think you can take us on now-"

"-moron-" Yukio interjected once again but Emi ignored him, continuing on to ask the enemy shinobi: "-when, on top of your subpar condition, it's a three to one battle leaving you at a further disadvantage?"

Maou showed no physical reaction to anything Emi or Yukio had just said however, Nanashi did notice how the Kirigakure shinobi's hands seemed to tighten around the handles of his kunai. Nanashi took this as a sign that this Maou character was on edge and while he'd struggled a little the last time they'd fought, Nanashi was a little more confident that he and the others could take this guy. Not only was Maou weakened from his faked death but he also seemed tired as well as being outnumbered…

"Maou… I still do not get that name…" Yukio muttered only to be met by a murderous expression from the shinobi he'd insulted and a screamed "DIE!" before he lunged.

Dashing forwards with his tanto drawn, Nanashi intercepted the sloppy attack Maou had attempted to execute. Upon seeing the man's livid expression, Nanashi also noted that Maou was easily angered as well as tired, outnumbered and weakened.

"No thanks, we'll be good." Yukio chimed from behind Nanashi, already going through hand signs before reaching into the kunai pouch he had strapped to his right thigh.

"**Shadow Shuriken Jutsu! (Kage Shuriken no Jutsu)**" He called, hurling several large shuriken towards Maou though only when the Kirigakure ninja blocked the first did he see the others. As Maou stepped back at the last minute and managed to dodge the rest of the oncoming shuriken, Nanashi saw his chance.

Lunging forward, Nanashi struck out with his tanto poised, swinging with precision at his target. In return, it was only after having been inflicted with a long cut down his right cheek that Maou managed to regain his footing and start blocking Nanashi's swipes. From his peripheral vision, Nanashi could see Emi making hand signs as Yukio started edging towards them, eyeing the Kiri ninja carefully, waiting for the opportune moment to join the fight.

"**Demonic Illusion: Hell Viewing Technique (****Magen:** **Narakumi no Jutsu)**" Emi whispered from her position still guarding Sashimi with her hands curled into a rat hand seal. As soon as the words left her lips a circle of leaves appeared, spinning around and enveloping Maou before falling away onto the sand.

Understanding dawning on Nanashi and he renewed his attack with vigour. When Maou suddenly stiffened, his eyes widening in abstract horror as he stumbled back from Nanashi into the sand, Nanashi knew that it was time. Raising his blade, both he and Yukio descended down upon the enemy shinobi who'd fallen victim to simple illusions in his arrogance.

This time, the odds were in their favour.

**LINEBREAK**

Meanwhile, Mist spread out across the surrounding area effectively blocking Hidan's vision even with the sun beating down upon him. As the jutsu came into effect, Hidan was left distantly wondering how many laws of nature this infantile Kiri bitch was breaking in this moment and whether he'd just been effectively driven off future battles with Hidden Mist shinobi in general by this farce of a fight alone. After all, the majority of badasses from that village weren't even born yet. Did he have to wait another fifty years before he set foot near Kirigakure again or what?

"This is a joke, isn't it?" he muttered to himself, seemingly catching the Kirigakure kunoichi off guard when she called through the mist "I'm sorry, what?" sounding affronted and confused by Hidan's question.

"This… whatever the hell you're trying to pull… it's a joke, right; even just a bad one?" Upon receiving no reply, Hidan decided to just cut to the chase already. "You're meant to be a member of the Seven Shinobi Swordsmen and yet that scrawny little prick you hid behind earlier put up more of a fight than you are right now… and the Hidden Mist jutsu in the middle of the fucking desert? Are you really that desperate?"

The Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch said nothing in reply though Hidan could hear her moving through the mist, drawing closer and closer to his position.

"I see. If you want a fight though, I suppose I can take the kitty gloves off for you." Hidan grinned; listening for the wheezing breaths the kunoichi was attempting to disguise as she crept over the sand in an attempt at the silent killing technique Hidan guessed. It was a pretty shoddy effort though, allowing him to slowly manoeuvre himself so that he was facing the annoying chit.

"**Lightning Release: Lightning Fang (Raiton: Raiga)**" The Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch suddenly cried once she was close enough and instantly, Hidan could hear the crackling of electricity when the bitch struck. Feeling the shift in the air as one of the kiba came soaring at his head, Hidan twisted his scythe in his hands, blocking the incoming blow. Their weapons clashed in a clang with white hot electricity still racing up and down the twin kiba.

In response, Hidan instantly started pushing wind natured chakra into the three blood red blades of his scythe, augmenting the blade as it began to neutralise the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch's jutsu given the opposing elements they were using.

Understanding flashed through the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch's eyes before she jumped back several feet, already running through several handseals as she went. Moving after her with blinding speed, Hidan raised his scythe and prepared to strike.

"**Water Clone Jutsu! (Mizu Bunshin no Jutsu)**" she yelled before a dozen or so copies of the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch rose up out of the oasis she had created earlier, all clutching a pair of kiba each and moving to attack.

Adjusting his stance, Hidan easily blocked the attempted strike while in the corner of his eye, Hidan could see the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch bury her original kiba into the ground in front of her and start sending out an electrical charge towards the sky which in turn started causing large bolts of lightning to fall from the sky directly towards Hidan.

"**Lightning Release: Thunder Gate (Raiton: Sandāgēto)**" the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch yelled as the lightning began to decimate the immediate area around her. She was looking smug as were her water clones as she called out her jutsu and it began to rain lightning around them both though to Hidan, someone who'd seen way worse and scary shit in his life – like most of Nagato's jutsu, most of Madara's jutsu, the nine bijuu and pretty much anything to do with Orochimaru in general – it just didn't seem to cut it anymore.

And already with lightning starting to fall directly above Hidan, he was already running through handseals of his own, muttering a quick "**Shadow Clone Explosion (Bunshin Daibakuha)**" to avoid being heard and making sure the clone appeared several feet away behind one of the many rocks protruding from the ground several feet away to provide some cover from the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch's lightning jutsu. Moving through a new set as the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch's jutsu got closer and closer, Hidan was effectively and seamlessly switched with his clone in a quick burst of chakra once the words "**Substitution Jutsu (Kawarimi no Jutsu)**" left his lips just as lightning rained down on the clone and the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch began to laugh.

The clone however remained for just enough time to mutter a quick "Boom," before everything within a few feet of the shadow clone – two water clones included – were engulfed in a blinding flash of light and then scarlet fire. The blast of flame, in a lateral sheet, expanded out from the clone's body to devour everything in its paths for several meters in every direction while great rags of fire went soaring upwards to dissipate in the cloud banks. Now, wisps of reaming smoke danced across the scorched ground and Hidan began to move from his hiding spot.

Pushing chakra through his limbs to augment his body, Hidan raced up the large boulder he'd been hiding behind in a movement he'd mastered upon first entering the timeline; the Shunpo, allowing Hidan to move faster than the human eye could follow by channelling Kurama's purified chakra as well as his own to his feet.

In a flash, Hidan had left his perch atop the boulder and was instead hurtling towards the remaining milling water clones the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch had created earlier, moving much too fast to be seen let alone stopped. His foot already extended out, Hidan nimbly managed to land a kick on one of the clone's heads, instantly crushing it under his sandals as it absorbed the impact of his fall and gave him enough leverage to further launch himself forward. Twisting his body in mid-air, Hidan landed a few feet away from the puddle the water clone that had broken his fall had turned into in a crouch on the ground surrounded by the rest of the remaining water clones.

Raising his scythe up to rest it on his shoulder, Hidan simply grinned at the original copy of his opponent who, once again, no longer looked at all confident in the chances of her survival. Play time was over after all.

**LINEBREAK**

Maou eyed the three brats in front of him, incredibly unhappy with how his day was turning out.

You see, when Enichi-sama hadn't allowed him to finish healing having proclaimed that their target would be too close to Suna for her comfort by the time he was one hundred percent, Maou had graciously agreed and the two had set off after their prey. Upon reaching Wind Country though Maou was once again reminded why it was he'd always hated the desert.

Most importantly, Maou had many techniques however they all relied on water unlike Enichi-sama who had several other lightning jutsu under her sleeve and obviously, there wasn't much water in the desert. Then there was the heat and the general discomfort that came with being in a desert combined with the lack of food on hand. Put all of this together and you have Maou, a man who was most definitely not enjoying his current location.

Of course, then there were his opponents.

After having his ass handed to him by that silver haired jonin who kind of crept him out, Maou had been given the genin by Enichi-sama to handle which should have been simple enough, even if he wasn't in the best condition, right?

Wrong.

Each of them dodged everything he threw at them, all moving seamlessly together to gang up on him with various jutsu and weapons. Granted, the jutsu weren't anything above C-Rank and the weapons were all either kunai or shuriken not including the tanto the redhead was wielding, Maou still found himself having trouble, especially with that close call a few minutes earlier when a genjutsu of sorts was cast on him somehow without his notice. He quickly chalked this up to being more out of shape than he'd first thought.

Glaring menacingly at the three genin, Maou grounded his teeth as he noted the things that _really _annoyed him about these three.

First there was the little shit in the bandana that would not stop calling him names and constantly demeaning him. While usually Maou wouldn't mind since this was a fight, there was something about the way this kid used words he really shouldn't know that just gritted at Maou's nerves.

Then there was the other little bastard – the bandana wearing brat had called him 'No Name' which was probably just a nickname the bandana kid had bestowed upon his teammate, even if it was a little mean to call your friends 'No Name'. Anyway, the 'No Name' kid was like a brick wall or something. Even when Maou managed to get a kunai into the kids' shoulder, the biggest reaction he'd gotten was "Hn" which sort of left Maou cautious about the redhead's mental state.

In fact, the only seemingly normal one of the bunch was the girl and even then, Maou couldn't be sure that she'd stay normal since her hormones probably hadn't kicked in properly yet.

Either way, this had to be one of the weirdest genin teams he'd seen… ever. Then again, their jonin sensei was one of the scarier shinobi Maou had had the misfortune of meeting – and he was from Kirigakure. His only comfort was in the fact that the purple-eyed man would die pretty soon since he was fighting Enichi-sama.

Loud booms echoed through the area as Enichi-sama activated one of her more deadly lightning jutsu before a huge explosion wrung through the air, sending gusts of wind and sand up through the air as Maou dodged yet another strike from the bandana kid and the near immediate attack from the redhead's tanto that followed. Maou didn't look for the source of that last blast, merely dodging the genin as best he could before striking out with his kunai. Carefully stepping back, Maou decided it was time to start positioning himself for the part he would play in Enichi-sama's plan.

All he had to do was draw the kids closer to the battle between Enichi-sama and the silver-haired jonin she fought and Maou would be ready to do his part.

**LINEBREAK**

Dashing forward, Hidan landed a frontal kick to one of the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch's clones making it splatter into liquid once more. From there, Hidan twisted on the one foot he still had planted on the ground in a one eighty turn, stopping to plant his right foot firmly in the sand as he slashed my scythe through another clone's cranium. Still swinging, Hidan drove his free hand into a clones gut reducing it to a puddle on the ground in an instant as the blades of his scythe ran another clone through the chest and spine, quickly tearing the construct in two before it crumbled to the sand in droplets of water.

Performing an axe kick almost instantly afterwards sending another attacking clone sprawling, Hidan swung his scythe through the air into three of the last few remaining clones and jumped forward onto his hands into a momentary handstand before pushing backwards, his two feet coming into instant contact with the head of the clone he'd sensed approaching from behind. Crouching down in the puddle the clone had formed, Hidan gripped the cable attached to his scythe and gave a sharp tug, pulling the weapon from its position several feet away stabbed into the ground where it had landed and gripped the handle. Turning around, Hidan met the nervous expression of the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch.

Moving forwards at a blinding pace, Hidan ran across the sand covered earth and closed in on his highly unoriginal and annoying enemy. As he closed in on the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch, he lunged forwards with his scythe raised. Bringing the triple-bladed weapon down in a downward arc towards the stupid Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch, Hidan was not at all shocked when the Bitch parried the blatant frontal attack with the two kiba she had at some point retrieved while Hidan dealt with the clones.

Hidan grinned when the weapons each clashed in a metallic clang that echoed in his ears. Pushing forward with all of his augmented and natural strength, Hidan easily held the deadlock up until the point he decided to pull back just as suddenly as he'd attacked, managing to catch the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch off guard as he thrust his scythe forward and hear the resounding squelching sound as the blade pierced her flesh.

Hissing in pain, the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch drew back and after tugging the scythe from the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch's right arm, Hidan swung again, this time aiming for her vulnerable throat when-

_Squelch_.

Only one thought entered Hidan's brain as it was impaled with what felt like a sharp pointy object from behind: "The universe hates me…"

**LINEBREAK**

Sashimi stared in wide eyed horror at the sight before her. Lying on the ground in a crimson pool of his own blood was the crumpled body of Hidan. Unlike only less than an hour ago when Yukio had tried to guess Hidan's earlier methods of escape, Sashimi had not seen any sign that Hidan may have employed one of his ninja techniques to escape death again. In fact, Hidan had seemed pretty surprised at the blow given when he'd been about to kill the Zaraki ninja at the time it had happened.

When they had first separated from the group to battle the scarred woman while the man named Maou attacked the three genin Sashimi had grown to like, the Shirono heiress had been scared out of her mind yet at the same time confident. In their last encounter, the two assassins trying to kill her had been forced to flee and as Emi had stated; one was still injured and both were outnumbered leaving the odds in their favour.

However, things had taken a turn when Sashimi and their little group had been slowly led towards the battle Hidan and the Zaraki woman, Eni, whatever she called herself, waged.

As they got closer and closer, Sashimi found her eyes drawn from the smaller battle between the genin and their opponent to the one-sided slaughter as Hidan tore through anything and everything Zaraki threw at him, seeming to be just toying with the scarred woman. Having only spent a few days in the man's company, Sashimi had first thought he was a nice enough person if not a little odd. On second thoughts, he was a sadistic taskmaster and a warrior hiding behind a nicer persona. However, as he wielded that huge metal scythe like Nanashi seemed to wield his much smaller dagger/sword (she wasn't quite sure what it was called) Sashimi decided that he was a monster – granted a nice enough monster when you weren't on his shit list – but a monster nonetheless.

When that Maou man suddenly abandoned his fight with Nanashi and Yukio who'd just sliced his cheek open, Sashimi had been confused. Upon seeing where he was going, Sashimi had spotted Hidan pulling his scythe from the Zaraki woman's forearm and getting ready to stab her again, only higher this time. Feeling squeamish at the sight, Sashimi hadn't had time to look away before Maou had shoved the kunai he'd had on hand into the back of Hidan's head, effectively killing him as he toppled to the ground motionless.

Now both a battered and bleeding Enichi Zaraki and a bruised up, wry Maou approached Sashimi and the equally tired trio of genin who all stood in front of her, weapons raised to defend her. Sashimi however also noticed the tears running down Emi's cheeks, the white knuckled grip Yukio had on the kunai in his hand and the vicious scowl Nanashi had locked on Maou's form, probably planning horrible things to do to the man if that look was anything to go by. In fact, all three looked ready to kill and Sashimi couldn't blame them, not one little bit. She herself felt like a little bit of murder by this point.

"You… You cheating bastard! How dare you?" Yukio screamed at Maou, tears finally leaking from his dark eyes as his anger began to overwhelm him. Sashimi took a step forward and placed a comforting hand on the poor boy's shoulder. No one should lose someone like that Sashimi though – though that didn't stop it from happening.

"Maou, you killed him. Take a prize." Enichi Zaraki said, completely ignoring Yukio's outburst as she gazed at Hidan's dead body with a cold expression upon her scarred could-have-been pretty face.

"Yes master." Maou nodded before turning around and walking towards Hidan's fallen form. Sashimi felt her hand on Yukio's shoulder tighten as Emi let out a loud sob, her eyes glued on the solver haired man's crumpled body. When Maou got close enough, he bent down and began to inspect not Hidan's body but his scythe.

It truly was a beautiful weapon – if weapons could be beautiful – with the intricate engravings Sashimi could see etched into its black and red metal when it wasn't being swung with the intention to kill.

"You're not taking his head?" Enichi Zaraki wheezed dispassionately having turned her attention back to Sashimi and the genin. Sashimi tried to glare at the woman but instead found her eyes glued to Maou as he gripped the scythe's handle and began to lift it… only to find that it wouldn't move.

Enichi Zaraki was drawing closer to them, Sashimi knew this. The woman had her jagged swords in hand and seemed to be ignoring the wounds in her torso and arm that even now seeped blood and made her wheeze when she breathed. However, Sashimi could not keep her eyes on the woman, even when she began to speak.

"Sashimi Shirono, I have been hired by Oniguri Herashi to kill you. Prepare to meet the rest of your clansmen in death." The kunoichi panted but Sashimi could barely hear. Instead, her eyes were locked on Maou as were the genin's.

This was mainly because Sashimi was just so shocked to see that the shinobi – who was while not large, a well-muscled man – struggle with the thin weapon, trying fruitlessly to lift it. He grunted and heaved before actually standing from his crouch to try and put his back into it. Maou managed to lift it a good foot off of the ground, his face turning purple with the effort before he dropped it to the ground. With a resounding crash that had Enichi spinning on her heals to see the cause of the noise, Maou dropped the weapon onto the sand-covered stone floor.

The scythe lay indented into the ground having created a crater upon making contact with the desert floor even from that minuscule height.

Upon seeing the display, Sashimi felt a whole new level of awe towards Hidan's skill and physical prowess given the silver haired man had not long ago been tossing the weapon about just as Yukio had his kunai.

"What is it?" Enichi Zaraki demanded in a hiss, apparently displeased at having been interrupted.

"I can't lift it." Maou replied, looking a little awed himself when he glanced at the still body of Hidan. "It's too heavy. I can't see how anyone could lift it."

"What are you talking about? That pitiful excuse of a shinobi wielded it decently as if it weighed no more than your kunai. Surely you, an apprentice of one of the Seven Shinobi Swordsman can at least lift it up off the ground." Enichi Zaraki frowned, downplaying Hidan's skill which only seemed to enrage Sashimi.

"You should not speak of the dead in such a manner. Have some respect!" Sashimi yelled as loud as she could. However, this action only drew attention back to her, sadly.

Maou lost any and all interest in Hidan's scythe and crossed the space between him and his master to stand beside a sinister looking Enichi who looked like the cat who caught the canary. Sashimi could see the three genin in front of her tensing in her peripheral vision at the act and she knew that it was now very likely – even with the injuries the enemy had sustained – that they were all going to die given Enichi's superior skill.

"Ah yes, Miss Shirono, where was I…? Oh yes," Zaraki said with a hideous smirk twisting her lips upwards, "Sashimi Shirono, I have been hired by Oniguri Herashi to kill you. Prepare to meet the rest of your clansmen in dea-"

"You!"

That one word was bellowed in a deep masculine voice, the tone laced with enough murderous intent to make Sashimi shiver and shake at the sound. As that one word echoed throughout the desert landscape, Sashimi could feel herself looking past Zaraki and Maou towards the source, the aforementioned enemies too turning to spot the source.

Standing there in the sand with burning violet eyes and an expression that just screamed 'I'm pissed off: if you want to keep your limbs, back the fuck off' was Hidan. A LIVING Hidan who was at that moment BREATHING and not lying dead on the ground in a pool of his own blood which was… very much not possible in any sense of the word.

"What the fuck do you think you are pulling, stabbing me in the back of the head like that?" Hidan demanded angrily of Maou who he was currently glaring at, seeming to miss the wide eyed expressions of disbelief being shot his way. Sashimi knew she couldn't, she was one of the people staring at him as though he'd sprouted a second and third head. "Don't you know that that hurts like a bitch when you get me in the head? I could have forgiven you if you'd stabbed me in the chest again but this time, this time you have crossed a line buddy!"

"W-what?" Maou stammered and for just this once, Sashimi let herself feel a little sorry for him. Trying to give a coherent reply to a question asked by a guy who should be dead was nearly impossible – just like the chances of Hidan standing up after being stabbed in the back of his skull apparently.

Speaking of being stabbed in the head, Hidan turned his head and Sashimi was greeted with the sight of a kunai sticking out the back of it. Reaching up, the man tore the blade out of his cranium with a hiss making Sashimi's stomach churn at the sight. She wanted to throw up, now.

"Fuck! My head! Holy mother fucking shit that hurt!" Hidan cursed before tossing the bloodied kunai over his shoulder. Looking down, the man then casually bent down to grab his scythe, swinging the thing up and over his shoulder without a care in the world, grumbling aloud as he went. "It always hurts ten times worse in the head for some reason. Grrrrr, my hairs all covered in blood now too and I have a freaking migraine… just what I needed!"

"How?!" Enichi exclaimed, taking a shaky step back at the display. Her expression was frozen in a state of pure horror and if Sashimi had to guess the woman had just gone into shock. Something Sashimi was sort tempted to do it too so she knew she couldn't judge.

"S-s-sensei?" Yukio whispered from in front of the Shirono heiress, looking scared and lost.

"At least he didn't decapitate me." Hidan continued to ramble, tilting his head to the side as he spoke making it crack loudly at which Sashimi flinched a little. "That would have been an even bigger pain in the ass to deal with…"

"Impossible!" Maou suddenly screamed, bringing Hidan out of his thoughts since his eyes shot up to look at the Kirigakure shinobi much like Sashimi's did.

"Huh?" Hidan asked, looking perplexed as he was prone to when being, or at least pretending to be, oblivious as Sashimi had noted early on.

"Yo-you, I just stabbed you in the head!" Maou exclaimed.

"Yes, yes you did. That's why I was yelling at you, remember? I said it hurt." Hidan nodded casually, not seeming to understand the problem which seemed to unnerve Enichi and her apprentice at least twice as much as it did Sashimi if the horrified expressions were anything to go by.

"Yes but… HOW THE HELL ARE YOU ALIVE?!" Maou cried seeming to lose any and all form of patience.

"Same way I'm not dead. Duh. What an idiot, asking dumbass questions like that." Hidan groused making Sashimi smile slightly at the silver haired man's behaviour.

"Er, sensei. That was a very valid question." Emi interrupted.

"Why?"

"Because generally, when people get stabbed in the back of the head with a kunai, they die. As in they don't get back up to complain about it." Emi stated slowly, as if talking to a three year old.

"Oh. Right, forgot. Just let me…" Hidan said before dropping his scythe back down to the ground with a deafening _crack_ before he too fell backwards onto the sand just a little way away from the drying puddle of blood he'd made earlier when they'd all thought he'd died. Lying there with his arms and legs outstretched and his eyes closed, Hidan quickly yelled, "Okay, you can continue. Just ignore me and forget that just happened."

"How the fudge are we supposed to do that?!" Emi exclaimed.

"Emi, shut up." Hidan stage whispered across the distance between them, "It's hard to play dead when you yell at me like that."

Suddenly Enichi ran forward with her blades drawn and raised. Hidan didn't move an inch though Sashimi could tell he'd noticed Zaraki moving rapidly towards him since she was letting out a rather loud if unintelligible battle cry as she did.

As Enichi finally drew near, she immediately thrust her swords downwards leaving Sashimi sick with worry and shock at the sight: it had been bad enough the first time Hidan had been stabbed just a few days ago, let alone the kunai he'd taken to the head just a few moment before.

Two metal blades sunk into Hidan's torso, the wounds instantly welling and oozing deep crimson liquid leaving Sashimi feeling unsure of how to react given she could still see the rise and fall of Hidan's chest, even if he looked annoyed as he glanced down at the swords currently protruding from his torso. Breathing hard and wheezing horribly, Enichi stood stock still over him and just seemed to stare down at Hidan who was just lying there still, until he seemed to blink in surprise and then start to yell.

"What the fuck!?" He screamed.

Enichi did not react well to this.

Pulling the swords up and out of Hidan's body, the scarred woman seemed to descend into hysterics as she began to systematically stab Hidan over and over in the chest. Up and down, up and down and in and out, in and out until Hidan had lost so much blood he was practically bathed in it. Sashimi stared in abstract horror, unable to look away and she knew that she wasn't the only one. Magical ninja techniques were one thing but this… this was defying death on a level that should not exist.

"Listen, is there a… ouch… is there a point to this?" Hidan asked nonchalantly between being stabbed over and over which only seemed to make the situation worse.

"Die, die, die, _DIE_!" Enichi Zaraki screamed as she stabbed the man continuously in the gut. "Why won't you die?!"

Suddenly, both of Hidan's hands reached up and grasped the kunoichi's wrists, stilling the movement mid-strike so that the two pronged swords hung in the air just above Hidan's bloody torso. Enichi Zaraki too froze at the touch, her whole body going ridged as soon as Hidan grabbed a hold of her. With a slight grin twisting his lips, Hidan slowly sat up to a seated position and gently let go of her hands to rest them on either side of her face.

Sashimi for a moment thought he was going to do something weird like kiss her or something when instead, Hidan did something that scared Sashimi deep down to her core, even more so than when he'd swung that monstrous scythe around like a toy or refused to die even after being wounded too badly for the human body to feasibly keep breathing.

"Because I can't." Hidan replied to the kunoichi's panicked question and with a sharp twist and a sickening _crack_, Enichi Zaraki – Member of the Seven Shinobi Swordsman of the Mist and all around badass kunoichi who'd no doubt survived countless battles and struggles – fell back onto the sand dead.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **

**This is V2 because on looking back and reading through, I have to agree with my more critical reviewers that I did not do this right with the way I set this up (which is now biting me in the ass) so I thought I should try and revamp this chapter at least a little bit and make it a tiny bit more realistic given just how many upgrades and tricks I've given NaruHidan. I didn't change too much though, just mainly the Enichi Zaraki VS. NaruHidan part a little and I've put just a tad bit more in for the Nanashi/Yukio/Emi VS. Maou fight since I've got a much better idea for what I want their abilities to be, including Nanashi's Bloodline (yes, I am giving him a Bloodline later on related to his last name, Shiro, which means white.)**

**It may not be too much different but I hope it's at least a little bit better than my last version. Alright, I'm done. See ya later!**

**P.S. if you don't like it, too bad. I am NOT redoing this one again, even if it is worse than my original version :) **


	9. Part 1 - Chapter 8

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto :(**

PART I  
CHAPTER EIGHT**  
**_Forgettable Faces And Evil… Oh Yeah, And Nanashi's Dad Is An Even Bigger Prick Than Hidan  
(Yeah, I know. You Didn't Even Think It Was Possible.)_

"Alright kids, let's get going!" Hidan called out to his students, already standing several feet away from them having long since tried to leave only to get caught up in conversation and mushy goodbyes all over again, much to his annoyance. Why couldn't they say goodbye, _once_ mind you, and get on with the whole leaving part already? Next thing he knew he'd have to suffer through some sort of farewell party and by this point, the last thing Hidan wanted to do was spend any more time in the bloody hot as fuck desert.

"Goodbye, I'll miss you all." Sashimi called from the gates of Sunagakure, all teary eyed and snotty as she repeated the same line she'd sobbed out _eight times prior to this already_. "And I'll never forget what you've done for me. Thankyou!"

"Don't mention it Sashimi! Bu-bye!" Yukio exclaimed happily while waving his arms back and forth like a strange human windmill hybrid.

"Goodbye Sashimi and good luck!" Emi cried back, her own snot and tears running down her face unattractively as she too waves as though she were trying to fling her own arms off of her body by force alone.

"Hn."

At least Nanashi had the sense to keep it short and simple Hidan thought. Then again, he was pretty emo and a '_prodigy_' so it was probably just the default response anyway. Either way, it meant Hidan only had to pry two of his students away from their former client so they could get on with it all and go the hell home already.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, we'll all miss you, hugs and kisses – let's go already!" Hidan bellowed having lost what little bit of patience he possessed long ago. "You've been saying goodbye for twenty minutes now!" He exclaimed, exasperated.

"Alright, sorry sensei." Emi said having wiped her face, now looking sheepish having finally realised that they'd long since left the 'teary-goodbye' zone and descended into 'this-is-fucking-ridiculous' land.

"Hn."

"Alright, let's move." Hidan said, practically dragging Yukio and Emi through the sand and he tore off in the general direction of Yugakure while ignoring the tentative looks he was receiving from all three of his students when they thought he wasn't looking.

Since the death of the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch and the subsequent revelation of his inability to die like a normal person, Hidan had noticed his genin walking on egg shells around him. He could practically see the questions and insecurities swirling around in their little heads and not even ten minutes into the journey back to the Land of Hot Water, Hidan decided that he could not take another day or so of this before they got to Yugakure or, God forbid, if they actually kept up the mouse act even after they got home.

So Hidan stopped running over the sand and did what he always did, he didn't bother tiptoeing around the subject and instead spat out exactly what he needed to say and the twelve year olds needed to hear.

"Just ask already, for fuck's sake. Your curiosity is driving me crazy!" He groused, making all three of his students who'd been running in front of him jump at the suddenness of the remark – or so he told himself.

"How?" Yukio hesitantly asked.

"Listen kid, even I don't know how. Next question."

And it was true. How Hidan had gained his immortality was just not one of the many, many, many, many, _many_ memories Hidan had inherited from the original Jashin worshipping nut. Even Kurama had been stumped upon how the phenomenon had come about and since they hadn't been able to come up with anything the two had just decided to leave it be – it's not like they could do anything about it anyway.

"What exactly would you call it? Is it a healing factor of some kind, maybe a Kekkai Genkai of sorts?" Nanashi asked, seeming intrigued though Hidan hoped it wasn't for the wrong reason like some paedophile snake bastards Hidan could name.

"No Bloodline Limit, it's just me." Hidan replied, "And I just call it immortality."

"Do you know how to die?" Yukio asked.

"Nope though I think starving to death might work. Maybe. I don't know; nothing else has worked."

"Okay, what about age? Do you age?" Emi enquired.

"No."

"How old are you then?"

"A thousand… ish. I don't really count but I know I've got about a century on that Rikkudo Sennin guy everyone seems to go on about so much." Hidan shrugged, trying to be as truthful as possible when he answered such delicate questions.

"A-a thousand?! COOL! My Sensei is invincible and as old a dirt!" Yukio cheered, jumping up and down in his excitement and while Hidan thought that it was cool that he'd just become Yukio's idol and all, he knew he had to disillusion the kid or run into trouble later.

"What are you talking about?" Hidan snorted. "I'm not invincible. I can still be trapped and incapacitated. Once I lose my head I'm practically useless until it comes back into contact with my body to heal."

Yukio seemed to visibly deflate at this however Nanashi and Emi both only looked thoughtful at this information.

"You did say that if you'd been decapitated it would have been worse." Nanashi muttered.

"Wait!" Emi cried, looking scandalised as she spoke, "You call Yukage-sama an old man all of the time but it isn't even accurate!"

"Course I do." Hidan shrugged as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Unlike me, he looks and acts old so he is old. Me on the other hand, I'm ageless. Besides, once I act even a little mature everyone expects it from me always be mature and there is no way in hell I'm turning into an emo with a stick up my ass or a senile scatterbrain – no offence Red, Bandana Boy." Hidan added.

"What do you mean, 'no offence'?" Yukio exclaimed, "Are you implying that I'm a-"

"Grrrrr, and I still can't believe that little whingey little bastard ran away on me!" Hidan moaned, interrupting Yukio's indignant response as he once again started moving through the desert having finally figuratively left all dangerous territory behind.

"I can." Emi muttered, glancing up at her sensei for a moment before looking back down at the desert they were travelling across.

"He took those wicked swords too." Yukio whined miserably, "I wish I could have kept them, they were awesome!"

"Hn."

Yes, everything was going to be just fine. Just fine…

**LINEBREAK**

They'd finally left the desert behind them some time ago and Yukio was sure he'd never been so happy to see trees. Jumping from branch to branch, Yukio let his mind wander.

"Hey, do you think we'll ever see her again?" Yukio asked, trying to think of a plausible situation in which meeting the pretty heiress could one day arise.

"Who?" Hidan asked, looking genuinely confused which kind of worried Yukio a bit.

"Sashimi."

"Yeah, you're not making any sense." Hidan deadpanned making Yukio _very_ worried.

"Sashimi Shirono, the woman we just spent several days travelling with. We all nearly died to save her life. You saw her only, like, a day ago!" Emi exclaimed.

"Oh, _her_!" Hidan smiled as though he'd suddenly had some great revelation. "Sorry, she was pretty forgettable." He shrugged making Yukio think that maybe his sensei _was_ senile after all.

"Forgettable?" Nanashi queried.

"Yeah, it happens a lot. You meet someone, have a real heart to heart and live through some horrible experience with them and then BAM; as soon as they're out of your direct line of sight you never mention them again." Hidan explained while scratching the back of his head thoughtfully.

"Why?" Yukio asked, genuinely confused by his sensei's logic.

"Unknown. Just another one of those mysteries of life I guess."

**LINEBREAK**

Finally, after days of travelling and listening to Hidan either bitch about the hidden mist jutsu or mutter under his breath about something called a Saringen or something, Team Kickass as Hidan had dubbed them had finally made it back home to Yugakure. Emi was sure the front gates had never seemed so inviting, especially after so long without a decent shower or a good night's sleep in the proper bed she knew awaited her at home.

"Hey guys, before we go in, can I ask something of you?" Hidan asked them quietly, breaking Emi from her thoughts just as effectively as if he'd yelled since Hidan's tone suddenly seemed to be so… hesitant… which was wrong on a lot of levels Emi decided.

"Um, s-sure sensei," Emi replied in a stutter, unsure of how to deal with this.

Hidan was standing in between them and Yugakure and he looked to be having an internal battle of sorts. His silver brow was furrowed and his arms were crossed over his chest, his shoulders tense as he took a deep breath in and let it out again in a heavy sigh.

"Listen guys, I need you to keep quiet about the whole 'immortality' thing." Hidan said after a moment of deep deliberation it seemed to Emi though his tone had yet to change from that tentative quiet back to his normal cheery demeanour or even his more insane persona. At this point, Emi wasn't sure if she didn't miss her sensei's more unstable tendencies if only because they were more familiar and not… like this. "Can you do that?" He asked quietly.

"Of course, Hidan-sensei!" Emi cheered, trying to bring Hidan's mood up and back to normal if only so he wouldn't be so nervous anymore. Within the confines of her mind, Emi confessed to herself that this hesitant, unsure Hidan was scarier than the one covered in blood and grinning like a loon. Nervous did not suit him, not one bit.

"Sure thing," Yukio agreed with her, his expression just as forcibly cheerful which probably meant he agreed.

"Yes." Nanashi said. That fact that he bothered to articulate was a testament to the redhead's discomfort Emi decided.

"Good," Hidan said, his posture visibly relaxing before that familiar closed eyed goofy grin broke out across his youthful face. "Otherwise I'd have to skin you alive with a rusty kunai and leave you tied to an ant hill… while you're on fire." Hidan told them all a little too cheerily.

"O-oh, okay then…" Emi stuttered, wondering whether he was serious or not. She liked to think he wasn't but with Hidan… well, you just never knew.

"Come on, let's go. We need to report to Old Man Kamizuki soon." Hidan smiled before turning on his heal and striding across the space remaining between him and the front gates.

"Hey guys, welcome back from your first C-Rank!" One of the chunin guarding the gates called with a wide grin on his face once Emi and the others had managed to catch up to their sensei and begin approaching Yugakure again.

"Actually it was an A-Rank." Yukio spoke up, correcting the chunin with a serious expression on his usually carefree face.

"Ha-ha! Yeah, whatever kid." The second chunin laughed.

"Actually, it was." Nanashi broke in, "We ran into Enichi Zaraki and her apprentice who had been hired by an enemy faction to kill our client."

"Y-you're serious!" The first chunin exclaimed. "Shit!"

"How are you alive?!" The second asked, posing the question to Hidan this time instead of Emi or the others.

"Please, that bitch was annoying but she wasn't that bad." Emi's sensei shrugged in true Hidan fashion. "The Shinobi Swordsman are all the fucking same though, I swear. It's 'Mist jutsu' this and 'Water jutsu' that! Even their rants are the same."

"O-okay sensei, we get it." Emi interrupted him in hopes of staving off Hidan's temper. Once he got going, he was usually very passionate about his dislikes, the Seven Shinobi Swordsman apparently chief amongst them. "You've been ranting about it for the last few days on and off so just calm down. We know they annoy you, we had to watch you snap Enichi's neck like a twig didn't we?" Emi asked.

"I think you made that Maou guy piss himself though. He's probably scarred for life." Yukio laughed though Emi silently agreed. Hidan had been rather brutal when he took his irritation of being stabbed so much on the poor shinobi. And yes, after seeing her sensei literally toss the man about like a rag doll, Emi felt no discomfort or guilt for sympathising with her enemy.

"Pfft, you guys are overreacting. I'm not that bad." Hidan smiled however, that smile waned when Emi and her team noticed a man approaching them.

The man had ash white hair and dark green eyes that seemed to stand out even more against his paler skin. He was in his late forties and wore elegant silver and blue robes with a grey haori over the top. Hid expression was grim and his eyes were emotionless, dead. All in all, his whole being from his stiff posture to his icy demeanour and his expensive clothes just screamed 'Noble'.

"Nanashi." The man addressed the redheaded boy standing a little in front of Emi neutrally, not even bothering to nod his head or wave in greeting.

"Father." Nanashi intoned in a similar fashion though the fact that the man was Nanashi's father was a shock. Between the two, the only resemblance Emi could physically see between the two was Nanashi's green eyes and the shape of his nose. Everything else from his rounder face to his bright red hair were foreign when compared to the man's – Nanashi's father's – albino hair and his aristocratic features.

"I trust you have returned from your mission with a success." Nanashi's father said, his voice even and dispassionate which alarmed Emi. Was Nanashi's dad really this cold or was it a front?

"Yes Father."

"Anything less would be unacceptable for a shinobi of the Shiro line." Nanashi's father said with a slight nod of his head which let Emi to believe that yes, Nanashi's dad was in fact cold – like an icy blizzard actually.

"Yes Father." Nanashi replied evenly, never once making eye contact or moving a muscle as he spoke.

"Right, can I cut in here?" Hidan asked which kind of pulled Emi back to planet earth given how suddenly he'd spoken up. Emi herself wasn't game enough to speak up herself given the cold look she and Yukio periodically received from Nanashi's father. However, those chilling glances were nothing compared to the icy glares of death Hidan was given. "I'm guessing you're Red's dad and all but I thought you'd be a little more concerned given our mission got bumped up to A-Rank, unless you weren't just eavesdropping on us talking to the chunin guards here like I thought you were." Hidan added sarcastically.

However, Nanashi's dad didn't move a muscle at the jab. He merely glared at Hidan a moment longer before turning his attention back to Nanashi who had yet to raise his gaze from the random object he currently had his eyes locked on, i.e. the ground.

Even the chunin guards looked highly uncomfortable as Nanashi's father began to speak in that same toneless drawl.

"… You will continue to accomplish your missions at a satisfactory level. You will need to be exemplary to complete the task the elders have given you. Anything less would be unacceptable for a shinobi of the Shiro line." The man lectured his son.

"Yes Father."

"Do not let this commoner hold you back." Nanashi's father added while gesturing to Hidan, not even bothering to look at him this time. Emi simply stared at the man, flabbergasted as he continued to speak. "I am already in negotiations with the council and the Yukage to have you trained under a proper sensei of respectable birth unlike this _outsider_. Once the Yukage agrees you shall be given a proper tutor. Anything less would be unacceptable for a shinobi of the Shiro line."

"Yes Father."

The Shiro Clan Head didn't even bother saying goodbye to his son or any such thing, the man simply turned on his heal and strode away without a glance back, his long bone white hair swaying behind him as he walked.

"Red," Hidan spoke up, his eyes locked on Nanashi's father's retreating back. Emi herself was still staring at Nanashi who had yet to look up yet. Not even Yukio was ignorant or dumb enough to comment at this point though Hidan was. "I don't know if you've realised this but your dad is a prick." Hidan told him.

"I know." Nanashi replied.

"Like an even bigger prick than me and I pride myself on being the biggest prick to others that I can be." Hidan said, making Nanashi's lips twitch slightly at the comment Emi saw. "It's actually a pretty hefty accomplishment and I'm torn on whether to loathe or admire him for it." Hidan finished, looking almost thoughtful as he spoke earning a full blown laugh from Yukio and a tiny tentative smile from Nanashi who only just now raised his head to look up at their sensei.

"I know." He smiled.

"Is he really going to make you change teams?" Emi asked Nanashi, catching his attention and instantly wiping the smile off of his face to Emi's disappointment.

"No, he can't." Hidan answered confidently for Nanashi. "The council can't do it without Old Man Kamizuki's approval and he won't approve. You're good on that front Red."

"How do you know Yukage-sama won't agree?" Nanashi asked.

"He likes me."

"You're lying again! The Yukage hates you Hidan-sensei." Yukio exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger up at the silver haired man much to the amusement of the chunin guards Emi noted.

"Yeah, he always ends up yelling at you and throwing us out of his office. Sometimes he hurls projectiles at your head and your man parts." Emi pointed out, deciding to put her own two cents into the conversation.

"He's threatened to murder you in cold blood while you sleep seven hundred and sixty two times in the last three weeks alone." Nanashi nodded in agreement with Emi and Yukio before adding, "And that doesn't include the castration threats if you ever reproduce."

"Wait, you counted?" Yukio asked, blinking owlishly at the redhead in confusion.

"Hn." Was Nanashi's only reply having returned back to his default responses, i.e. grunting.

"Listen, I don't know what you're all making such a big deal about but I'm pretty sure Old Man Kamizuki likes me so he won't change the teams." Hidan said, looking relaxed and carefree as he began to walk through the gates towards the administration building in the centre of Yugakure. Emi noticed that like her, neither Yukio nor Nanashi made a move to follow him, instead gazing at the man's retreating back in deep thought.

"Looks like you'll have a new sensei by the end of the week Teme." Yukio remarked brightly before finally making a move to follow their sensei at his own pace.

Emi herself to came to a similar conclusion and placed a gentle, comforting hand on Nanashi's shoulder, smiling sadly as she said a quiet, "I'll miss you Nanashi." With that said, the two trailed on after their other teammate and their wayward sensei, Nanashi letting out a tired sigh and a quiet "Hn" in response.

**LINEBREAK**

Dashing through the streets of Yugakure at top speed, Hidan made it to the main administration building in but a few minutes and decided to wait for his students. However, they seemed to like taking their sweet time in getting there leaving Hidan alone with nothing to do while he waited. Shrugging, Hidan channelled chakra to his feet and started to walk up the side of the multiple story structure towards the Yukage's office at a leisurely pace. By the time Hidan had located the window he wanted and noticed it was open, Hidan could hear his students panting and gasping for air from inside probably having started to rush once they hadn't seen Hidan waiting for them outside the admin building.

Grinning at how things had turned out, Hidan gripped the edge of the window sill and easily manoeuvred his body until he was seated comfortable on the window with his legs propped up and his arms crossed over his chest.

"What's wrong Hidan?" Old Man Kamizuki's voice echoed sarcastically around the room having no doubt noticed Hidan long before he entered through the window. Then again, Hidan hadn't been trying to hide his presence and the man _was_ a Kage. "Too good to slam my doors obnoxiously anymore?" The Yukage asked from his usual position sitting at his desk.

In front of the Old Man were Emi, Yukio and Nanashi all having finally managed to calm their breathing as the Yukage spoke. Grinning at them with a wink, Hidan casually stood from his perch on the window sill and walked around the Yukage's desk, sitting on the edge of the wooden table with his arms still folded over his chest. However, to sit Hidan had had to shuffle one of the many stacks of paperwork littering the man's desk a little to the left earning him a glare that no doubt was meant to kill.

It was amazing lasers weren't shooting from his eyeballs, Kurama remarked from Hidan's mind in amusement.

"Nah just figured coming in through the window made a cooler entrance. It was more convenient than the door in any case." Hidan shrugged with a grin.

"You're kidding me, right? It's a window." Kamizuki groused sourly, eyeing Hidan for a moment longer before looking down again to sign another document and sit it on one of the shorter piles in front of him.

"I could enter via the walls if you wanted. Actually, that is a way better idea. Thanks Old Man Kamizuki." Hidan smiled happily, feeling pretty good about himself when Kamizuki's head snapped up with his eyes narrowed and his glare intensified, the man radiating Killing Intent in waves.

"Hidan, you touch my walls and I will _break_ you."

"So I can still call you an old man?" Hidan asked, ignoring the Killing Intent that no doubt was near crushing his students. "Wow, thanks Old Man Kamizuki."

"Hidan, please." Kamizuki sighed having dropped the glare and the Killing Intent for a tired expression and pleading. "If you even like me, just a little bit, please… don't call me Old Man Kamizuki."

Hidan stared at the man's weathered face, his weary eyes and the bags beneath them. The pleading tone and the desperate look on the man's expression were about all Hidan could take.

"Okay." He sighed.

"…"

Silence met his easy acceptance of Kamizuki's request; even Hidan's students were too shocked to comment.

"O-okay?" Kamizuki stuttered, sounding so unsure of how to deal with this, looking for the first time to be a little out of his depth. Secretly, Hidan thought it was pretty damn funny as did Kurama.

"Yes, okay." Hidan nodded slowly, as though talking to a toddler, "Are you alright though? You look a little pale."

"Yes, just… just state your mission report and get out please." Kamizuki frowned, looking a good ten years older than he did only a few moments ago. Hidan could remember Old Man Hokage having that same expression on his face at some point in time whenever he came into contact with Naruto for more than a few minutes. It was really nostalgic actually.

"If you say so." Hidan shrugged though when he simply stood there, waiting, Old Man Kamizuki finally lost any and all patience.

"Your mission, Hidan." The aging Yukage prompted.

"Oh, right. Well, we were escorting Sesame or whatever her name was-"

"Sashimi." Kamizuki interjected with his eyebrows raised.

"-when out of nowhere some stupid Mist-Swordsman-Asshole with no sense of originality whatsoever jumped out and quite inconsiderately impaled me on a sword. I got up-"

"You got up…?" The Yukage asked only to be ignored by Hidan who kept talking as though he hadn't said a word.

"-beat the living shit out of him and it turns out he isn't even a Mist-Swordsman-Asshole. No, he's Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole. Anyway, before I could kill him, some other Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch who was actually a Swordsman faked the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole's death and ran off with him – that part was _all _Girly's fault. Anyway, once the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole and the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch had pissed off, I cornered Salome and we found out that _you_ sent us on an A-Rank mission-"

"A-Rank! Me?!" Kamizuki exclaimed, his expression now shocked and confused.

"-and being the upstanding person I am-"

"Ha, yeah right." Kamizuki snorted at this however Hidan once again ignored him, continuing on to say, "-I agreed that we should continue on with the mission, regardless of the danger. Bandana Boy wanted to go home, his exact words being 'fuck the bitch'-"

"I'm sure…" The Yukage drawled.

"-but luckily he was outvoted. We carried on with our journey until we ran into the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole and the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch again in the desert. We duked it out in a battle of epic proportions in which I, once again, was forced to withstand a complete lack of originality in the form of stupid speeches, some low grade boring water jutsu that they somehow managed to pull off in the middle of the Land of Wind and that moronic fucking mist jutsu which they also tried to use while standing dead centre in the fucking _desert_. God I hate that thing _so_ much-!"

"No kidding." Kamizuki muttered to himself though Hidan and co. heard.

"-Anyway, so we fought, blah, blah, blah and then the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch practically gets herself killed so the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole can ditch to who knows where to live happily ever after. So we went on our way through the hot as fuck desert and left Salami there somewhere. After that we came back here, met Red's ass-wad of a sperm-donor and I made an awesome entrance via the window only to get dissed for it. I mean, here I am, trying to make your day more entertaining and all I get is bullshit. No appreciation whatsoever."

"Your mission reports are as amusing as ever Hidan." Kamizuki stated dryly after waiting a second to make sure Hidan was done, as he always did when Hidan came in to report. "However, one thing does bother me. Exactly who were your opponents? I believe you creatively nicknamed them the 'Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole' and the 'Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch.'"

"I don't know, can't remember their actual names now, they were pretty insignificant." Hidan shrugged earning himself an exasperated sigh from the old Kage and amused glances from his genin. "Though, the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch was one of those Swordsmen of the stupid fucking Mist and the other guy was her apprentice."

Hidan then began pulling at his cloak, searching for a small storage scroll about the size of his hand.

"Hm, I've got the Bitch's head in here somewhere." He muttered before chiming, "Ah, there it is!"

Hidan then presented the scroll to the old man though he made sure not to unseal it given the pasty looks he'd received from his students when he collected the head in the first place, let alone what Kamizuki's reaction would be should a bloody severed head appear on top of his paperwork. While on a normal day, Hidan would pay to see something like that, something (cough-Kurama-cough) told him that that the aging Kage probably wouldn't handle it too well.

"You ran into one of the Seven Swordsman and her apprentice on a C-Rank?" Kamizuki muttered, staring at the scroll a little apprehensively while trying to process the information.

"Actually, it was more like an A-Rank. I already told you." Hidan said flippantly.

"A C-Rank escort mission. With a genin team." Kamizuki clarified, still looking very uncomfortable and not at all like he was dealing well with the information.

"Yes, I just said that." Hidan nodded before adding, "And of course with my genin team: who else would I take? Certainly not Sakami or whatever her name was. She was hopeless."

"Okay. I'm just going to ignore the added comments and take a bit of time to process this. You can go now but I'll want a written report – without 'demonstrational and educational illustrations' – tomorrow." Kamizuki said before muttering to himself, "First you actually listen to me and now this!"

At this Hidan only grinned before turning around and beginning to usher his students out the door though after glancing back at the aging Kage, it became apparent that Kamizuki looked more than a little pale so Hidan decided that he'd forgo his usual routine for the old man's sake.

However, Hidan decided that the old man had enough colour in his skin left for one last jab.

"Alright, see ya later Old Man Zuki!" Hidan called out as he slammed the door shut behind him, faintly hearing the snickers of several ANBU from inside the office as he did.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The pained scream echoed throughout the building from behind the closed door and left Hidan chuckling at the Kage's misfortune… which on second thoughts was a very bad thing to do…

"Sensei," Yukio began to speak, instantly gaining Hidan's attention given the hesitant tone the preteen used. "I don't know if anyone's ever told you this but you, well, you are evil."

"What kind of evil?" Hidan asked, genuinely curious now. "The pure unadulterated kind or the kind you find on the back of cereal boxes getting his faced punched by a guy in spandex?"

"The kind where even the most soulless, asshole-ish and monstrous of villains seem more like overgrown academy students compared to your Kage-level Evil. With a capital letter." Yukio replied.

"That's pretty evil." Emi noted.

"Well then yes, yes I am." Hidan grinned before adding on as an afterthought, "This brings me to my next point: training."

"Training? What does that have to do with evil?" Nanashi asked though all three looked a little worried about his answer. From within Hidan's mind, he could hear Kurama cackling at what Hidan had planned for his victims, er, I mean students. Yes, students.

"A lot." Hidan replied with a vicious grin stretching across his face, "and yes, training because you were pitiful on that last mission."

"You mean our first C-Rank, the one that got bumped up to A-Rank?" Emi asked.

"Yes." Hidan nodded. "So, to counteract how pathetic you all are, I'm going to be training you all until you drop. Up until now, I've been nice but now I'm going to pull all of the stops and become your worst nightmare." Hidan grinned sadistically hopefully appearing all the more scary and insane to his victims students than usual… somehow. "Prepare kiddies, prepare for Hell."

**LINEBREAK**

Kamizuki Shigure watched as the three genin followed their sensei out of the main administration building from the large window Hidan had entered his office through only minutes before and smiled fondly at the sight that had become so familiar to him in the last few months. Even if it looked like the silver haired man was threatening those poor children with something especially gruesome if the way they all appeared to be near tears was anything to go by.

Shaking his head as young Yukio ran away from Hidan screaming his lungs out followed closely by little Emi and the Shiro Clan heir, Kamizuki hoped to God above that everything went as he prayed it would. After all, the Chunin exams were only a few months away and from then on, the Yukage knew, life in Yugakure would be all the more unstable, especially for Hidan and those like him. The _outsiders_.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

**Thanks for all for all of the support and the reviews. I'm sorry if Hidan's fight scene in CH. 7 didn't quite cut it for some of you but I was trying not to make him too op while keeping him pretty powerful in a badass sort of way however, I think I'll just have to make him steamroll through everyone from now on because trying to downplay things with the way I've set this up is just not working out for me as so eloquently stated by** angel11xpr** ;) So prepare for an op Hidan people because that's what I'll be trying next!**

**Also, I love **bloodshark's **idea for a mind team that after training with Hidan becomes just as scary and twisted as him so I think that's the direction I'll go in XD **

**By the way, sorry to anyone who wants me to get to the canon already but I've got so many bloody ideas spinning around in my head for PART 1 (Shodaime Era) of this story which I've decided to make at least a few more chapters longer, **_**at least **_**given I need to make him leave Yugakure as a badass S-Rank missing nin. Also, what do you think of me making Hidan go to Konoha for the Chunin Exams as a jonin sensei or should I make it in another village? I want to have Team Kickass come into direct contact with Hiruzen and co. as genin trying to become chunin too and later have Hiruzen recognise Hidan or something and be like, 'WTF?' **

**As for pairings, I've had suggestions for Mei Terumi, Mikoto Uchiha and more often than not Tsunade. Keep the suggestions coming though I myself am leaning more towards either Mei or Tsunade :)**

**Also, I was a bit lazier this chapter – sorry – but I kind of want to move things along a bit. Either way, thanks for the reviews and I'll see you later!**


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